Hi! I’m F17 and for context, I don’t live with my mum. Her, her husband, and my little sister (F10) live together, and I come to stay once a week every week. I also sometimes additionally come over to babysit my sister when my mum needs it.
Three weeks ago, I was looking after her and she said a lot of hurtful things about my looks, weight, and how she doesn’t understand why my partner would love me. She also made comments about how her dad doesn’t like me or want me in the house. There’s history there, to be brief I moved out to live with my dad in 2020 after social services’ involvement because of things my stepdad was doing to me, and have only started staying over again this year. She said a lot of things, and I told my mum the next time i saw her. She told me she doesn’t believe she’d say that and I’m making it up and then reluctantly sort of said she’d talk to my sister, but I don’t think it happened.
I’m not stupid, I know that kids will be kids and sometimes they say cruel things, but I believe they learn not to by being told it’s wrong, and nobody’s doing that. I’m not mad at my sister, but I am upset with my mum for not believing me and not even speaking to her about it.
So I guess that was the first issue, but my mum asked me to babysit again and I’m not great at standing up for myself, I admit that, so I agreed.
Last night, I came over to look after her while my mum and stepdad went out. It was supposed to be just my sister. When I got there, her friend was also here. I wouldn’t have minded if I’d known, but it’s a lot of responsibility to look after someone else’s kid. It also wasn’t what I’d planned for in my head. I struggle with change and routine a lot – I’m waiting to be assessed for autism and ADHD if that’s relevant – so it was stressful for me when that happened. Also, my mum had said that she’d get us a takeaway, but that didn’t happen. Obviously that’s annoying on the surface because I fancied one, but again I have big issues with food. That’s partly due to what I mentioned before, but I’ve also struggled with an ED in the past, so when I plan to eat something specific and work up to it and then it changes, it’s just a little stressful. Maybe thats stupid, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat and I haven’t slept. It’s more just that my mum knows this about me, and it’s not the first time she’s ignored these things.
Anyway, sorry I’ve said a lot so I’ll stop. I love my sister, and I want my mum to still like me, but it’s getting more difficult to ignore how my boundaries are ignored a lot of the time. Sorry for how long this was, any advice would be appreciated, thank you. 🙂
Sorry, quick edit to add that I’m worried I’d be the asshole because then my mum would have to find other childcare and that she’d likely have to pay for it. Plus, I’m her daughter and not helping her feels like it would be asshole-y.
Stop being sorry and apologetic. You have a right to your feelings and they are legitimate. If you don’t feel comfortable babysitting your younger sister, then tell your mom you don’t want to. Let them hire a babysitter. This has nothing to do with loving or not loving your sister. It had to do with setting boundaries for how other people treat you.
NTA
NTA and stop going over there.
She’s still with somebody that did enough to you that social services were called? That really tells you all you need to know and shouldnt feel bad.
They chose to have a kid, its not your responsibility to watch them so they can go out. You need to protect your peace of mind more than anything. Youre not being paid, not being informed how many kids will be there and being lied to about them taking care of the food. Its not on you.
this, definitely NTA
Just the fact that social services had to get involved and your step dad was doing something to you it’s enough to never go over there again and even without knowing what’s going on I want to call your mom the ah for staying with the man who was doing bad things to you and making you leave the house. As a mom there is no way I would be choosing a man over my kid.
You do not owe them babysitting or anything else and your sister is old enough to know better not to say things like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if stepdad is making comments and she’s picking up on it unless she’s just usually nasty like that.
Either way, I would say protect your peace. Do not go babysit anymore, and seriously consider if it’s worth even going over for a visit.
Your mom is an AH. Stop going over there. She’s the type to choose a man over her own daughter’s welfare and those types of people should have no business having children or forcing the ones they’ve got to do anything for them. If CPS was involved then it’s probably not safe for you to go over there anyway. Write your mom a letter explaining how you feel. You should also see if you can get counseling for the trauma your family has caused you. Nta
NTA but please stop going over there. Its not normal for your sister to be verbally abusive and your family not care. Plus all the stuff about your step dad.
I know you want your mom to love you and treat you well but sometimes the reality is that they’re either incapable or unwilling. You cant make someone love you or care about you.
It might be best to lean on relationships with the family that treats you well. If you don’t have family that does, than friends who treat you well. Scraps of love they throw at you to manipulate and keep you around are not worth the damage to your self worth.
You deserve better and I think therapy is a good idea. You gotta want more for yourself.
NTA
It’s totally reasonable and ok for you to decline to be present in situations that are uncomfortable. Please understand that. You do not have to give a reason, simply saying no is sufficient.
As far as feeling guilty, being reasonable is important. Remember, your sister is their child, they are responsible for her, not you. If they have to make other arrangements, then so be it. It comes with the territory. It’s not your fault if they have to cancel plans. However, I would urge you to give them enough notice to make those arrangements. If they spring it on you last minute and you say no, that doesn’t count. They should have thought further ahead.
If a family emergency comes up and you are available, then consider helping out. But that is your decision.
It can be hard to say no, especially when it’s someone you love and care about. Nobody likes to hear no. Be prepared for them to push back, but stand your ground. This is called setting a boundary. Trust me, eventually they will figure it out. If they get nasty about it, all the more reason you should be setting that boundary.
NTA, and while you may love your mother, from here, it appears that it’s one-sided. When you visit, she insults and demeans you.
If she were a stranger and acted like this, you’d refuse to babysit for her, even if she offered to pay well. You need to develop enough self esteem to not put up with mum’s behavior and demands.
Her having to find other childcare and pay for it is a direct result of her own actions. You absolutely should stop babysitting. If her actions don’t have consequences, she’ll never change them. If you were to have firm boundaries and refuse to accept bad behaviour, then either she’d have to start treating you with respect or cut contact with you. Either of those alternatives is better than what you have now.
Oh, dear girl, you are definitely not the asshole. My mother also didn’t believe me when I told her I was a victim of abuse. You are old enough to decide for yourself that you won’t go there anymore and that you won’t be a babysitter for your sister. Write everything you want to say to your mom on a piece of paper — it will be easier to tell her when the time comes, or you can give her the letter to read. Go and live your life. Your mom is responsible for her own life, and she will simply find a new babysitter.
NTA. Your mother is taking advantage of you.
That’s an understatement. I’d say it’s closer to emotional abuse and mom is pushing off her responsibility. OP it IS NOT your job to get your mom to like you. If this is accurate I hope you get to a more loving environment. Your mother is an adult but comes off pretty bad with what was stated. Remember people can be family without blood ties, and frankly I hope you have people like that in your life.
Nta your mental health is more important then your mom needing a babysitter. I believe things are being said about you when your not around and your mom is ignoring it and that is unacceptable. If she doesn’t address your sisters behavior I would go low contact.
hey, so your mother stayed with a man even after child social services took you away from that household that tells you everything you need to know about where her loyalties lie and about what she gives a shit about and it is not you, sadly.