I (26F) made a friend (32F) in August through work and we hit off very well.
I recently went through a breakup after 4yrs. She’s been helping me through it so much, she’d talk to me for hours at a time and she makes me feel better.
I’m a people pleaser who can’t speak up and she’s not afraid to speak up. So there were few times where she gave me a wakeup call which could come across blunt or harsh, but I appreciated it.
I lived with my ex for 3 weeks after the breakup as we moved countries, and he finally went back to his home country. Although we’d been broken up, it was ofc hard for him to physically leave the house.
So after I dropped him off, I went to go see her. We had a great time, had many laughs, and she even wrote me a letter telling me she’s rooting for me.
That night, I went back to an empty house, and noticed something about the ex that annoyed me so I went to text her.
But she said “I’ve already told you that that was annoying so I cant relate to you this time” so I said “oh I’m sorry, I should stop sharing every little thing” and she said “yeah it’s too much”.
My ex just broke up with me because I was being “too much”, so I panicked that I might lose her. I wasn’t able to breathe properly because I started telling myself “I push people to their limit”.
She the started saying “I don’t want you to blame yourself or hurt your feelings, I know it sounds harsh, but I did a similar thing to my best friend before and I nearly lost a friend so I wanted to let you know”.
I honestly didn’t realise I was sharing too much of my baggage to her so I was very apologetic, but also was not ok so I asked if we can talk the day after, and she agreed.
The next day, I sent her a text and said “I’m really sorry that I didn’t realise how much pressure I was putting you through. I panicked thinking I’d lose you. I hope we can still remain good friends”.
It’s been 4 days and she’s still left me on read.
I really do take myself accountable for not realising this sooner, but I also wish she’d understand that I just said a final goodbye with my ex not even 20hrs before that.
It’s also confusing for her to leave me on read like that because we just had a great time few hours beforehand.
We have so many mutual friends from work, and 8 of us including her and I had a dinner planned this weekend. But I don’t think I’ll go if she didn’t get back to me by then.
We were in the talks about snowboard trip with our mutual friends, but it’ll be awkward telling the friends about what happened.
I’m not sure why she’s still leaving me on read. I haven’t texted her or anything since.
What do you think is going through with her and what can I do, if this friendship is even worth fixing ?
Ywbta if you skipped the dinner. Show you can respect her boundary-setting without resentment and she might come around to forgiving your own missteps too. That’s what friends do for each other.
YTA… you literally just spent hours with her while I’m sure the whole combo was about you and your ex…. If the first text I got was ANOTHER THING about the ex then I would be annoyed too. You could have just thanked her for being there for you. What’s the point of complaining about something your ex did if he’s gone? What did you want her to say?!
Saying this in the most compassionate way, YTA. I feel like youre on the brink of understanding yourself and your relationships in a new light, and it could lead to some really promising change. Codependency is not attractive, and neither is egregrious self-deprication and over-inflating your wrongdoings. The fact that youre questioning the entire friendship over her setting one boundary is concerning and unnecessary.
I really dont think your friend sees this as big of a deal as you do. She came clean with you because she preferred to do that over just ghosting you. She is likely just looking for a breather now that she’s helped you through the thick of it, and will continue enjoying a healthy dose of your friendship Go to the dinner, act like everything’s fine, because it probably is.
Yeah, this breakup has made me reflect on myself a lot and made me want to work on self love and self respect. I’d been sharing my thought process about this to her as well and she’d been rooting for me too. I thought I was on the right path for it, but not having her to talk to this few days made me realise I was just moved my codependency to her since my ex was gone.
I was thinking she’s probably not that serious about it, she just wanted to point it out. So im thinking maybe me taking it so seriously pissed her off even more, hence the no response.
I just feel it’s a bit odd for her to leave my sincere apology on read.
Youre going through a tough time, but your friendship is also quite new so its hard. But leaving you on read is pretty cold.
I dont think you did anything wrong. Maybe consider therapy, it helps. It sounds like you have some unresolved attachment issues.
As far as the dinner I think you should go. Don’t bring it up to her there, make small talk. Don’t engage with her unless she engages with you first. She might reach out, she might not. But it will show you where you stand. If she thinks you’re being too much, she might use you not showing up as the nail in the coffin on the friendship.
It sounds like she just needs some space. She’s been giving you her attention for hours on end for days without end and you’re still asking for more. Even when she told you it’s too much.
You’re in your feels and your head which is understandable but people need to be able to not be available 24/7. Try opening up to other people, journaling, or to sit quietly from time to time in your own space.
INFO: in all this, did you talk about her and her life? Was she doing all the emotional lifting and you didn’t even ask about her day?
Of course I know a lot about her too. We’d talk about some silly things too which is why we share a lot of laughs. But I do admit that I did lead some unrelated conversation to something about my ex many times, which I wish I could take back.
Gentle YTA? It’s something to learn from. You can’t undo your mistakes, but you can respect the boundaries she has set down and let her come to you first. Go to the dinner, see what happens. Stop talking about your ex with her, since I think at this point there’s also the frustration of “I don’t know what else to say anymore” in there too. Sometimes people over apologize and break boundaries in the process and it becomes a whole cycle.
I would also suggest seeing someone for your anxiety. I know it helped mine.
I don’t think it’s healthy to focus on if you’re an asshole or not. I definitely understand the insecurity. I think when you’re going through a difficult time, it’s easy to overshare and lean too much on people beyond their capacity.
I think a therapist could be helpful here. I think also checking in before dumping feelings is a good thing. Just asking “Hey, can I vent about something related to x?” See if they have space for it. They might, and they might not.
If your company has an Employee Assistance Program, go get a counselor from them.
It is absolutley wild to me that you would openly and easily identify someone as your “best friend” after what, 5 months?
To be honest, you sound more like a “people needer” than a people pleaser?
Time to sit back and understand what gives you value as a person and become self sufficient in that
But yeah, YTA
She just needs space. Please respect that especially since she has somehow told you that. I’m sure by now she knows all about your exes faults and reminding her all the time is wearisome. She did spend hours with you just talking about the ex and I’m sure she’s also human and has her own stuff going on so don’t make it all be about you.
Let her breathe!