I (30F) had my first child with husband (32M) this year. He has a 14 yr old child- my stepchild (SC) with his ex. Custody is primarily with child’s mom but child visits during holidays.
When I was 3 months pregnant, we told SC they would be having a sibling. Stepchild said he didn’t want a sibling and liked being an only child and tried to make us promise he would be the favourite. I obviously declined but we reassured him nothing would change. No, I didn’t ask how SC felt about a sibling prior to getting pregnant because their answer wouldn’t change the outcome.
Since I had the baby, stepchild isn’t particularly affectionate or interested, just seems to acknowledge baby occasionally but there’s no obvious sibling bond.
I am fully admit that I don’t do much to foster a bond but i remember SC saying they didn’t want a sibling so I mostly keep baby away from them. My husband thinks it’s just something they said because they were scared about being replaced but I feel like a 14 year old saying they don’t want a sibling actually means it and I don’t want my child to be around someone who doesn’t really care to have them around. I’m also not under any illusions that they will be close because it’s a huge age gap even for bio siblings and I don’t want to force any dynamics.
Husband tries to play with them together but it’s obvious the 14 year old wants dad to themselves and doesn’t want baby noises or bodily fluid on them.
AITA for not trying harder to foster a relationship ?
NTA. wow. i have a half-brother who is 14 years older than me. i am not sure how excited my brother was when i was born, but my brother sucks. you should believe your 14 year old stepson and tell your husband to stop. don’t try to force anything. if your stepson really wants to act like an older brother, he will be enthusiastic and happy to do so.
NTA.
14-Year-Olds have opinions, they have wants, desires and they can express themselves. I actually think what you’re doing is good step parenting. You are honoring your stepchild’s wishes. It doesn’t mean that they’re not always going to have a relationship. But the kid is 14 babies are probably not that interesting to them and that’s perfectly okay. if your child is safe and your stepchild is safe and they are both happy then what else really matters.
Edit- if you want some reassurance, why not talk to stepchild about it again? Make sure you are baby free and just ask how they are feeling and if they are okay with you keeping distance because you understand that that’s not something they wanted.
I dont think your ah, however a conversation needs to happen between you, husband and step child.
He needs reassurance, he only sees his dad on a limited time frame as it is and is probably scared he’s going to be replaced.
He’s 14 not a adult. Also I dont feel from the post you are overly thrilled about having step child in your life. Thats not his fault.
Edited for judgement: NTA
This.
Not only does he see his dad on a very limited schedule, but now his dad has a child who will have him every day.
On top of that, babies are not all that interesting to people who aren’t already excited about babies. You have an infant who can’t walk or talk and doesn’t have a discernible personality to someone who isn’t directly responsible for their care. Give your stepson a chance once the baby is a toddler and can start interacting on a level that easily recognizable.
NAH with a big HOWEVER…… decisions made not to do something, especially by a teenager, can change with the more data (experience) they have. Suggest that you give them space to change their mind and even, open a conversation about how they feel about how the current relationship is going and do they have any feedback/ they like to suggest any changes. Do not respond with negatives “but, did your consider, how about” just respond with, that is good to know, it is something to think on. Discuss with your husband and be on the same page. They might surprise you (good or bad). Good luck.
NTA – a 14 year old shouldn’t be forced to hang out with a baby if they don’t want to. There’s no need to force a relationship. One still may form over time. But also recognize that this is the first time in their life they aren’t the only child. Seeing your parents love and care for a new sibling can be tough. One of my friends in high school’s mom has a new baby with her second husband and he said that the new sibling made him think he was just “the exes kid” and it hurt him feeling replaced and like he didnt really belong in the family. It wad really sad. Your stepson might be hurting too even if he doesn’t say it to you or his dad.
I think YTA. I don’t think you’re right saying a thing a 14yo said is somehting they mean it. A 14yo is a child and as a parent (stepparent is a parent) it’s also your duty to protect that child from taking too serious responsibility for something they said. Being a 14yo is no argument for actually meaning it. They’re on a new phase on their life, having to accept a new sibling, and as many other changes in teenagers life it’s a parent’s duty to educate them and provide emotional support to their hardships. This may not look like a hardship to you, but try to put yourself in the place of a 14yo who never had to share a parent’s affection to a child of a person who’s not their mother.
Of course you also need to protect your child, and of course all these responsibilities – fostering a relationship, supporting your stepchild emotionally and protecting your child – are dhared with your husband. It seems like he got to understand at least part of it, and I think you should talk to him about strategies to handling this situation together.
Don’t resent a 14yo that much. This could ruin your relationship with them and lead to him resenting you too, way more than a normal person resents people. Everything seems more intense to a 14yo and it’s normal.
NTA, you don’t need to waste energy forcing others to have a bond. SC is old enough to decide who they want a relationship with.
YTA.
1. 14 yos say shit they don’t mean all the time. They’re dealing with a LOT and have very limited tools to express how they’re feeling. He literally may not KNOW how he feels.
2. There’s a difference between not forcing a relationship and actively keeping the child away from him. The latter implies you see him as a threat, which is pretty hostile.
On the contrary, the 14yr old is going to really resent the father if he keeps forcing them together. The baby doesn’t care ffs.
YTA. It’s as obvious as the Great Wall of China that you don’t give two shits about your stepson. If you did, then you’d realize that it doesn’t matter how old he is. He’s still a kid. One that doesn’t get much time with his father as it is. Now that’s going to be even less with a baby in the mix. So yeah, he’s upset and has every right to be.
NAH
Good on you for actually respecting what your stepchild said. I don’t know if you needed to take it so completely literally but you listened and followed through and that probably means something to him.
A 14 year old boy probably isn’t going to have much interest in an infant. The infant is completely dependent on the parents and 14 is in the early stages of wanting that freedom away from the family.
Don’t be afraid to touch back with him. Talk to him frankly and say that you took him at his word but you don’t want him to feel that he’s not a welcome and loved part of the family but that you want to respect him and his wishes and boundaries. Acknowledge that it’s a difficult transition period for all of you but his place in the household isn’t being replaced because he and the baby are going to be two very different people. Be specific with things he does that make you happy. He may brush it off or he may not. The point is to make him feel secure while still acknowledging he’s growing up.
YTA. Not necessarily for not forcing your stepchild to spend time with your baby, but for the way you speak about them and have written this relationship off. It sounds like you don’t like your sc much and it gave me the ick as someone who’s been in their shoes.
I have a half brother 10 years younger than me, 13 years younger than my sister. We love him so so deeply. The age gap means it will be a different sibling relationship, and perhaps they won’t be close in the way that siblings close in age are, but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have a good and loving relationship.
YTA Your negative attitude towards your step child shines through your post. You really shouldn’t have gotten into a serious relationship with a man with a teenage child if you weren’t prepared for all of the compelxity that comes with it. You are also holding very typical teenage feelings and behaviour against a literal child, who is also your own child’s half.sibling. You need to make an effort to do a lot better for the sake of both kids.