I 27f recently spent Thanksgiving with my biological mothers family. I typically don’t like spending time with that part of the family because I am very much the black sheep of the family as well as my daughters and they always remind me of that. My grandfather wanted me to come though so he could see my daughters and myself so that is the only reason I did. The main reason that I am the black sheep of the family is because my grandmother blames me for my mother moving across the country to get away from her. When my mother moved as far away as she did and took both me and my brother with her, it didn’t end well. Both my brother and I ended up in the foster system. My mother was a drunk epileptic woman that couldn’t hold a job for more than a couple of months because of her epilepsy. She would lie to her employers and say that she was perfectly healthy and within a week she would be fired for having a grand-mal seizure at work. She would come home and blame me and my brother for her losing her job and take it out on us aggressively. 20 years later and my family still blames me for going into the foster system and my mother staying out of their lives as much as possible. But she still has a connection with my uncle, (her youngest brother) and he hates me vehemently and makes that very clear.
So jumping to this past Thanksgiving he decided to call my mother to further torment me because of my unwelcome and uninvited visit. When he did my mother said that she’s doing wonderful and her husband is great and takes care of her well and that she has a job at Subway as a manager. I don’t know if she was aware that I was there or not but I decided to call her out and ask if they at least knew of her condition or if she was still lying. Everyone definitely didn’t appreciate the question I asked but I honestly didn’t care. I was there for one purpose and one purpose alone, to see my grandfather and to take care of him for a bit. Everyone has been calling me nasty names and harassing me and I can handle that, I have been all my life basically. But the one thing I couldn’t handle was the fact that my uncle gave my mother my phone number so she could harass me herself instead of through everyone else. She told me that it’s my fault that everything had happened and that my daughters were an abomination and a waste of life and that I was a terrible mother. Just everything under the sun you can imagine, she said. Now fast forward to today. My grandfather wants me to come for Christmas and spend time with eachother. Not anybody else, which means no one would be able to come to the house and spend Christmas together because thats where we all meet. I don’t know if I’m the a-hole for calling my mother out at Thanksgiving and apparently ruining Christmas. Can someone give me advice and tell me what to do.
P.S. sorry for the long post but if you did read it thank you for your time and I hope you have a Merry Christmas!
I think I would just tell Grandfather I would visit at a time that was not a holiday. NTA.
NTA. You are not to blame for the decisions made by your mother throughout your life. I urge you to spend some time apart from this toxic environment and focus on you and your children. I encourage you to work with a counselor/therapist that can help you sent healthy boundaries.
It seems your family has a protective bubble around your mother and instead targets you when all you do is tell it how it is. You’re not the asshole, to me you’re the only sane one at that table. Don’t let your daughters grow resentment or any negativity towards their family since they deserve to grow in a world of love. I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother and woman all around. Some families live in a collective delusion and if you don’t fit in they attack you. Try to enjoy the holidays with those you love
NTA. Stay away from these people. Block your mother and anyone else who harasses you.
If I’m reading correctly, you still have a decent relationship with your grandfather, right? Visit him sometime when it isn’t the holidays. Do not subject yourself to abuse this Christmas.
NTA. If your grandfather is only inviting you and none of the other relatives, there’s a reason and it’s not your fault. Obviously he sees right through your mom’s BS and is the only one willing to put her in her place. And also, your visit was neither unwanted or uninvited because your grandfather DID want and invite you over for Thanksgiving.
Call Grandpa and wish him a merry Christmas and tell him you’ll see him after the holidays. As for the people abusing you, hang up, walk out, don’t read it, whatever it takes. Shut these people out and take care of yourself. NTA
NTA, But I would have a talk with your grandfather. Tell him that you will understand if he wants to see everyone else at Christmas and you are fine seeing him later. But if he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with them and wants to spend it with you, you will do that. Leave it up to him.
Paragraphs please. It helps reading the post easier than trying to break down a wall of text.
I will admit, I tried doing it. It didn’t come out how I had hoped but I do appreciate you reading it if you did.
I understand you love your grandfather but I don’t understand why you would subject yourself and your daughters to abusive people. Tel grandpa you’ll see him on the 23rd and keep your peace!
Nta but why did you listen to your mom. Block her. If she contacts you again ignore her. Do not engage and go no contact with her side of the family. Why putbyourself through this when you can just ignore them.
NTA, but i would just visit grandpa around the holidays next year, or perhaps every other month or so.
Jesus christ, countdown till OP’s bio mom has a fucking seizure wile holding a damn knife to cut bread or slams her head on the assembly table before falling to the hard tile floor!
NTA!