So, pretty much what the title says. Before you jump to comment, I didn’t ask if I could have one, but since I was curious, I asked if there would be any in general. He hasn’t sent invites yet, and I have no idea what the size of the wedding is looking like. He sent a card that said they wanted me there, but that official invites will be sent sometime soon.
Curious about if I’d get to bring a plus one, I impulsively asked "lmk if its overstepping whatsoever but will there potentially be plus ones?" I didn’t want to ask outright, so I thought I’d ask in general, but quickly realized that message, regardless, could probably be taken as rude, so I edited it and told him to just ignore it, acknowledging that it could be rude and said that I was sorry about that.
But now I can’t stop thinking about it and freaking out and I’m truly unsure if IATA, because I certainly would be if I asked for one straight up, but I’m in a grey area about if asking about them in general is. I feel really bad about it if there’s potential for me to be rude, as I just acted impulsively without really thinking, which I gotta get better at. People who’ve been married, if a good friend asked this, would you see it as rude? Or am I overthinking?
Doesn’t sound like there’s any conflict here. It’s fine that you asked. NAH.
I don’t see it as rude to have asked, but possibly it was the wrong question TO ask. I don’t think asking a generalized question really makes it better. The likely answer is that some people will have plus ones and some won’t, and it might depend on relationship status…ie a cousin who has an established relationship might get one but another cousin who is not currently attached to anyone might not. Or, some couples might adopt the ‘policy’ that every adult known to be single (not invited as part of a couple or family) automatically gets a plus one.
My point is, what you wanted to know was whether YOU’D get a plus one. So to me at least, the question was slightly awkward because it was prob kind of obvious that you were asking a different question than you really meant to ask. Their answer could have been something like, “Well yes, some people will….” leaving your *actual* question unanswered.
Anyway, your whole reaction to this seems a bit overblown, if you’re freaking out. Just, get to the root of what you want to know – and why – and then ask the question directly, and without presumption. Give more info if needed, like “I was thinking of asking Alice to come with me and wanted to ask her early because I know she has some work stuff coming up, but before I do, I wanted to see if you expected to invite me with a plus one? If not, no big deal, just thought I’d clarify.”
NAH
NTA – it is not that deep!
This is an etiquette question, not AITA question.
Some people think it’s rude to ask, others don’t- but there is no functional difference in politeness or meaning between the way you worded the question and literally asking “Will I be allowed to bring a plus one?”
You are overthinking. This is a valid question. As long as you aren’t demanding, it’s fine. NTA, but maybe tey to work on not being so anxious over pretty basic things.
Info: Are you married, single or in a long term relationship? Married or long term, I view it as rude not to invite the spouse. Only exception to this would be if there was some kind of falling out and friend/spouse hate each other.
If you’re single, I would say hit or miss for the plus 1. Depends on their budget and venue.
Other factors such as if you have a kid that you’re trying to figure out of they are invited and if you need to arrange child care…. That’s important to know and figure out. I always clarify if the kids are invited.
No harm in clarifying. However if you’re currently single, I would say it doesn’t matter at this point. Plan to go as a single, see where life takes you closer to the wedding and you can always clarify then. But usually the couple likes to have met the person.
I mean this kindly, but if you’re not already seeing a therapist, I’d like to suggest that. You sent a perfectly reasonable text (albeit one filled with qualifiers that scream insecurities, anxiety, and unhealthy levels of overthinking and worrying) asking a perfectly reasonable question about an upcoming wedding. If this is your first friend who’s gotten married, it’s natural not to know or understand wedding etiquette — and wedding etiquette .. and what people *think* is wedding etiquette … can get wild. Editing the message, telling him to ignore it … again, unprompted comment from an internet stranger, but the red flags are creeping up the mast, friend, for you.
Is this person someone you consider a good friend? Good enough that you warrant a “save the date” card? Then be confident in your texts and communications! “I’m so excited to celebrate your wedding and look forward to learning the details. I’m just curious if there will be plus-one’s extended or if I should plan on donning my solo dancing shoes?” Something that’s a little fun and can be answered when your friend gets a change. But what you wrote, it’s like you’re asking permission to ask a question. You have every right to ask the question. “if it’s overstepping whatsoever” … wishy-washy qualifier that undercuts your confidence; “will there be potentially” wishy-washy qualifier that again undercuts you. Editing, then telling him to ignore … at that point, if I’m getting those texts, I’m rolling my eyes and muttering about you being high maintenance … when all you’re doing is asking a totally valid question!
This ramble is so far off of this sub and your question, but, kindly, look for ways to develop confidence and don’t undercut yourself. Society’s hard enough on all of us as it is; don’t make it easier to cut yourself down.
No I appreciate it because you are right in your examination for sure
Im failing to see why you’re spiralling from such a normal question to ask. But the way you framed your question, riddled with overthinking insecurity, succeeded in making your typical question seem more rude than it was. Chill. NAH
Eh soft YTA for asking like that cause it is sort of passive aggressive fishing. BUT NTA for wanting a plus one. Personally I’ve stopped attending any wedding where I’m not given a plus one, it’s so inconsiderate for the couple to expect you to spend a ton of money going to celebrate them only to also expect you to travel alone, spend all the couple-y moments single, etc. weddings are planned for couples and it’s so unnecessarily uncomfortable to have to go alone just because they’re too cheap or self-centered to put down another $80-100 for you to have a date.
YTA to yourself is all! You need to go easier on yourself, your text was not offensive in the least and in fact you showed an abundance of consideration when you retracted it. Your friend probably appreciates you. Now go drain a scotch and let yourself off the hook.
NTA, its a perfectly reasonable question, especially if you have someone in mind you would like to take