English isn’t my first language, sorry for any mistakes
I’m a 26F, recently married (a month ago) to my high school best friend and crush (26M). We’ve been together almost 7 years before that and have known each other 4 year before being a couple. My relation with my husband is loving, respectful and safe. He has always been clear about his intentions, consistent with his promises, and supportive of me
Before all of this, I had a very close relationship with my ILS, especially my MIL. We all used to spend lot of time together, had deep conversations and their home felt safe to me -sometimes more than my own
The conflict started when we reminded them about our plans to our wedding ceremony in a casual conversation during a family reunion, (literally everyone even them knew our ceremony plans). Context: my husband is catholic and I’m protestant. BUT my then fiance and I have talked a lot about this before, and agreed to get legally married a month before the wedding, and then having just a symbolic ceremony (no priest, father or pastor), but centered on God, core values, etc. We’ve never thought one’s religion better than another, but respected each other deeply. It was a very intentional, intimate and full of love ceremony that we were planning
My ILS strongly disagreed. They said that kind of ceremony had no real value, claiming legal ceremony has (which we agree), questioned what people would think, and at the end told my husband they wouldnt support us financially if we didnt change the plan. I felt very sad, and after talking it through, we decided to continue without their support, knowing that it would get worse later if we didn’t set a limit. Especially because we weren’t just having that "no real value" ceremony, but we’re marrying legally a month before. But no, they wanted the civil ceremony to be at the same day and place of the symbolic ceremony to give it the "weight"… Something we didn’t agree. We tried to be respectful (I recall being very nervous when we talked to them), but they were deeply offended, saying that we were practically saying "don’t get involved". We even apologized later if our boundaries came across wrong, and I wrote MIL a really heartfelt letter trying to fix things for her birthday
Things seemed to be "ok", but tensions kept showing up. MIL kept criticizing our wedding planner and planted doubts in my husband’s mind. It caused a few conflicts between us but we talked and made up things
What really broke me was finding out later that my MIL told my husband I manipulate him, that I would isolate him from his family and compared me to her SIL known for being controlling and unpleasant
At this point it hurt, but I also started feeling angry. Wed-planning was already overwhelming and instead of support everything felt heavier. Meanwhile my family were completely supportive to us
Now I feel watched n tense everytime Im near to her, like anything I said could confirm the story she already believes about me
AITA?
NTA. I think we know why her other DIL is considered controlling – because she’s not bowing down to your MIL.
NTA, it’s your wedding, your decision. And with your I mean you and your now husband of course. As long as you two agree on how it should go, then that is all that matters. The ILS are the manipulative ones; it was none of their business, they didn’t have a vote.
ETA: your MIL has shown her true colors. You can be sad about losing the contact you once had, but maybe that was just an act to get in your good books. Now she knows that you do your own thing, and she can’t influence you out of it. There is no reason for her to be nice to you any longer. Move on and adjust to the new situation!
NTA
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I hope you have a wonderful marriage!
I wish I could write more than 3000 characters cause there’s a lot of context I skipped jajajaj
This comment section allows for an abundance of context to be shared.
The name you chose says it all. You still want to be a people please to your MIL, and she will NEVER be pleased.
You need to focus on how well your husband supports you vs his parents. As long as he can be objective about any issue and side with someone who is correct (whether it’s the parents or you) – you shouldn’t pay attention to what your MIL will make of your words and actions.
Life will be full of people who may not like you or will always oppose you. Learn to behave with integrity regardless of those people and you will never have to doubt yourself
Who is paying for the wedding?
***”we decided to continue without their support, knowing that it would get worse later if we didn’t set a limit.”***
\—This is critical. If you all cave, it will only embolden more of this behavior. They will amp it up if there is a future no because they know if they push hard enough, you will cave again. They MUST be conditioned to realize it won’t work.
Now, that is how to make the situation not get worse. Very critical, but not the endgame. There is still no deterrent to them trying these things since the worst that happens is they don’t get their way. The issue is that the whole behavior needs to stop, not just kept from getting worse. That’s where consequences come in. Which either deter the behavior or, if that fails, prevents the behavior.
There are some big decisions to make. This is also the most ideal time to make them so this can get nipped in the bud now.
finding out later that my MIL told my husband I manipulate him, that I would isolate him from his family and compared me to her SIL known for being controlling and unpleasant.
It sounds to me like she is trying to keep her family involved and preventing him from cleaving. Just ask her if she knows she is going against God.
**7**For this cause, **a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife**. **8**And they two shall be in one flesh. Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. **9What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.**
I also have to wonder if SO has a sister that the family pushes the “a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life.” with their SIL.
She would have a problem with anyone her child marries. This isn’t about you. The two of you had reasonable plans. Don’t let her interfere in your marriage. She’s toxic. Expect her to get worse if you have kids and they aren’t being raised in HER religion. Some counseling for you both will help your spouse see the problems with her and to get him to understand why he needs to back you up.
NTA. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people and they feel like they have the right to bully everyone into doing it *their* way.
Your marriage is for you and your partner. No. One. Else. You obviously want to share such an important event with family and close friends, but their ONLY interest should be to support whatever you and your fiancée want to do.