My husband, our daughters (2y and 5m) my brother in law, his wife, their kids, and my mother-in-law recently stayed in the same air b&b.
At one point, my MIL was supervising my 2Y old at the dining room table which had become a craft/game table, while I was a few steps away in the kitchen cleaning up. I know my MIL likes when I ask her to be in charge of watching my daughter and my husband is frequently requesting that I ask my MIL to help more so she feels involved.
I saw from the kitchen that my daughter had grabbed a dice and put it in her mouth. Her grandma missed it because she was chatting and her head was turned. I ran over as calmly as i could because I didn’t want to make it a game, hooked the dice out, and corrected my daughter. It was not a huge deal.
Afterward and when I was already back in the kitchen, my MIL said to my daughter something along the lines of “that’s bad and you are too old to be putting stuff in your mouth.”
Without really thinking, I said, “don’t say that to her, I don’t like that,” and kind of half-laughed when I said it. I made it light, I think. However, this happened in front of the group, but I’m not sure anyone other than my husband & SIL clocked it- everyone was sorting their own thing
I didn’t intend to embarrass my MIL, and I don’t think she meant any harm. She probably thought she was reinforcing a safety rule. I also totally respect the fact that she safely raised my husband, so I don’t want to come off like I’m the expert mom and she doesn’t know anything.
That said, since the situation was already resolved, I had already corrected, and my daughter is only two, the comment felt shaming to me rather than protective. It just wasn’t in line with how my husband and I are parenting my daughter.
I also sort of took it as a dig to me (why doesn’t she know better yet?) But, the bigger picture was that I didn’t like the tone towards my daughter and I had already handled it with her.
In hindsight, I wonder if I should have let it go and I regret not biting my tongue. AITA?
You overreacted. She was reinforcing you.
A 2-year-old doesn’t comprehend Grandma reinforcing what mom said when it is after the fact.
A 2-year-old only knows the moment that it is said by Mom.
Much like puppies, you can only correct 2-year-olds in the moment.
Mom did a very nice job of correction. So NTA.
>Mom did a very nice job of correction.
Did she? Mom got the die out of her mouth and says “corrected my daughter.” I know some people who think taking the die out IS the correcting part.
>A 2-year-old only knows the moment that it is said by Mom.
WHAT was said by mom? I’m not sure mom said anything. It would be nice that if she actually said something to write it out in the post so that we have all of the info to give our judgement.
>A 2-year-old doesn’t comprehend Grandma reinforcing what mom said when it is after the fact.
Eh, lots of 2 year olds do comprehend a talk about what’s happened after it has happened. And we’re talking seconds, maybe minutes, here, not hours or days.
>Much like puppies, you can only correct 2-year-olds in the moment.
True, good thing it was still that moment and not hours later.
OP, YTA. Really, you took such personal offense to your MIL saying your kid is old enough to know better? Y’all need to get your shit together. The moment your husband advocated for his mom like that you should have known that either you were really boxing her out or he’s a momma’s boy and you’ve got bigger problems than this.
My dil and I have so much love and respect for each other that we try to talk about everything before it comes up with my granddaughter and how to possibly handle it. It’s craz, but she even asks for AND takes my advice. And if I’m ever iffy on something, I double check with her.
If a situation like this were to occur, she would NEVER correct or admonish me in front of other people, especially my granddaughter, it would be a private conversation.
Honestly, in this situation, she would be grateful that I was backing her up and reinforcing that granddaughter shouldn’t put a choking hazard in her mouth.
Btw, your daughter IS old enough to know not to put die in her mouth. And I’m really kinda surprised that you would have this game out with your 2 year old knowing that she is still putting stuff in her mouth.
NAH
She thought she was reinforcing your decision, but she went about it in a way that conflicted with your parenting choices. Just communicate, honestly. Grandparents do not have more authority than a parent. It’s okay to have boundaries about how people speak to and treat your children, but apologize for how you expressed it if it caused problems and explain the boundary clearly and your reasoning behind it.
YTA
You shouldn’t have admonished her the way you did in front of everyone. ‘Don’t do that, I don’t like that’ sounds bossy AF. And then with a half laugh? Ugh.
You could have pulled her aside privately and told her why you took issue with it. If she’s a normal person, she would have probably apologized, even if it was hollow.
But instead, you did this public passive aggressive admonishment. Which idk, I guess is your right if you’re only interested in pulling the mom card power struggle. But if you’re actually interested in having a relationship with her, you fumbled the ball imo.
I like that she’s so protective with her daughter and her feelings, which is absolutely fine. But she she doesn’t have the same mercy with her MIL. What, how and where she said what she said was not nice. It sounds like something you tell a dog. And as she said afterwards, she was probably more bugged by the possibility that the reinforcement was directed to herself.
You are seriously concerned with shaming when your kid could have chocked on some dice. I’ll take shame over a dead kid anyday. Shame tells you what you are doing is wrong, it’s not always a bad thing.
this is a silly comparison. mom had already relieved the danger. the shame does not prevent the danger. there is no choice here between dead kid and shame
OP had no problem stopping her child from choking without employing shame. No one ever goes “oh no, that little girl is choking. Quick, use the shame maneuver!” Shame isn’t what stops the kid from dying, taking swift action and physically stopping her is. At 2 years old, it’s not even going to stop her from doing it again. You have to watch them.
NAH. You both had the same goal of keeping your daughter safe. Your parenting style avoids using shame as a motivator, but that was pretty much the norm for the generation older than us.
“Why can’t you be more like Jimmy? He’s not doing that” or “Be a big girl and…” are things we also don’t say to our kids, but at some point early on we explained why we try to avoid those kind of statements with our own parents so that the grandparents could understand and help use the same methods.
YTA, 100%. You owe her an apology. She was simply following up on your behavior, and yep, your toddler needs to have a basic explanation. Nothing she said or did was wrong. What you did is wrong. Apologize and try to think about what made you think your behavior was acceptable.
How is – ´you’re too old for that’ a basic explanation? It’s not factually true. You mean: ´that dice is a choking hazard’. Or – ´we only put food, water and medication in our mouths’. Those are acceptable explanations for why you shouldn’t put die in your mouth. Shaming her for being two WAS wrong. 2 yos put everything in their mouth, it’s their most trusted sense. Language is really important at 2. How you phrase shit matters so you don’t have temper tantrums later when you’ve unknowingly contradicted yourself because you can’t be bothered to come up for a reason a dice shouldn’t be put in a mouth apart from you’re too old. No, you’re too old. The kid is fine. And you’re talking to OP like they’re two. Have some respect.
YTA You did to your MIL exactly what you asked her not to do to your daughter. The way you talk about her is so patronizing. You sound exhausting. This is your first kid. Your MIL has been there, done that. Be grateful for the help.
If you had to say something, it should have been in a private conversation, not in front of an audience. The bigger issue here is that your toddler was playing with dice in the first place.
YTA, what she said was maaaaybe phrased on the edge of being more shame-y than I prefer to be with my kids, but correcting her in front of everyone was a huge overreaction.
I don’t even think what she said would warrant a private talk. She didn’t tell your daughter that she’s bad, she said the action is bad and your daughter is too old to do that. The ‘too old for’ rubs me a tiny bit the wrong way, but certainly not enough to warrant what you said.
Adults handles kids differently, and you can’t expect her to be your parenting clone. Kids adapt and benefit from seeing those kinds of differences. Yes, there are lines–no physical correction, no yelling, no namecalling, no withholding food, etc. But don’t correct things because they just aren’t phrased quite the way you like them. That’s exhausting.