Before my brother got married he “divided” christmases between our family and his gf’s families. every single year, if he had a gf, he would spend lunch with one family & then the next year they would switch. this was always the case, no matter how many gfs he had he always did one year with one family and one with the other, with the option of maybe popping by later in the afternoon if there was the time (since it’s like a 30/40 minutes drive at most). Since he had kids however this has changed, he always spends christmas lunch with his wife’s family and then comes over to us in the afternoon. the main reason is that his MIL will get mad if they don’t spend lunch with them. this has caused some kind of (very silent) rift. our mother is mad at this, she doesn’t think it’s fair she never gets her son and grandkids for Christmas lunch but she’s not one for arguing so she keeps it to herself (aka talks behind his back, she would rather complain about this to everyone but him) generally, no one in my family likes this. we think it’s rude. We are not saying that it has to go back the way it was but maybe, once in a while they could spend lunch with us and then go to the other side of the family. This year i won’t be able to spend the whole day with my family bc i’ve friends visiting so we will probably only have lunch and then leave before my brother and his family arrive and it makes me sad bc i won’t be able to see my niece and nephew and my brother, open presents together and all that, i know it sounds silly but Christmas is a big thing for us and i really want to share it with my family and my closest friends just for this once. So this is where my problem comes in, would i be the asshole if i asked him if just this once they could come over for the lunch? bc if they don’t then i won’t see them at all. thank you to reading and im accepting any kind of advice, thank you.
*EDIT!*
i see all the “why not dinner?”, “why not xmas eve?” etc questions and i understand your POVs, however its just a cultural thing. Christmas lunch is THE celebration culturally in my country.
per the friends, im sorry i might have not explained myself correctly!
i didn’t make different plans bc of my friends, i mentioned they’d be coming over for the holidays from overseas and that i might have to skip on christmas as to not leave them alone in a foreign country and my family extended them an invitation (brother and SIL included). everyone was very excited, down to my brother being very excited about speaking a different language with them / teaching his kids some new words in said language.
bc they’re obviously visiting a foreign country i’m not gonna make them spend the whole day with us (which culturally is what happens here on xmas) so we might just have to leave early. all i want to ask is that my brother either comes to have lunch with us or comes over a little early to spend some time with us.
YWNBTA for asking, however, it is his choice how he spends his holiday. It’s not your job to manage your mom’s feelings. It’s not your brother’s job to accommodate yours.
NTA You can always ask but have to accept that, they may not agree!
So, there’s an established plan for when you see your brother on Christmas, you made plans with other friends at that time, so you’re wanting him to change his already established plans with other family to accommodate you? YWBTA since you have already made another commitment but are acting like it’s his fault you won’t see him
Can I ask why Christmas Eve is not an option on either side?
I have one sibling, no close cousins. Hubby has 11 close siblings and cousins. We did Christmas Eve with his family, and Christmas day with mine. Now I host everyone.
NTA – Why does it have to be so hard and inflexible?
When my brother and sister got married, into families that had other siblings each, with their own spouses and extended in-laws, it became a complicated cluster-F. Throw in two people who worked in healthcare and had to work every other Christmas (my sister and her SIL). And my brother’s wife whose family MUST have Christmas Eve every single year. But we learned to make it work. Christmas wasn’t a specific meal or even a specific day. Sometimes we’d have Christmas a week in advance or a week after depending on how the work schedules fell out. Sometimes we’d have Christmas lunch and sometimes Christmas dinner.
If you’re willing to be flexible you can make it work. And yes sometimes you have to work around that one family member whose IL’s won’t give. But it doesn’t matter what day or what meal it is, it just matters that you’re all together. Plan for when people are available.
NAH, except possibly your mother.
Why not pick another window for your family gathering every other year? Do Christmas Eve instead, or Boxing Day, or any random day that your brother agrees would be acceptable for the family to be together?
INFO: Is there a reason you always hold the family celebration for Christmas lunch?
You know in advance this is their plan every Christmas. If you don’t follow the schedule, you are accepting that you might not see them.
YTA If you make it a big deal.
Info: is there a reason why your brother/his family do lunch with her family and then the evening with yours? Is it just that his MIL is inflexible? What about SIL, is she unwilling to spend lunch with your family for some reason? Is this JUST a Christmas situation, or is it always SIL’s family first, and your family when/if it fits in?
Why doesn’t your mom problem solve and be a little more flexible. If your brother’s family chooses to spend Christmas lunch at his in-laws, why doesn’t your mom have her Christmas meal earlier in the afternoon on Christmas Eve?
My mom always did this. It worked well for all 8 of us married kids, and for the over 20 grandkids. The kids got early Christmas gifts from her and my dad, and a few from Santa, because Santa knew they were coming over the day before Christmas, he dropped off their presents there early!” The kids didn’t have a super rushed, long, and busy Christmas Day, and everybody got their family time at a more leisurely pace. Neither side of our families got slighted, as it became our new family tradition, once we kids started having in-laws.
Your mom would also get the advantage of watching her grandkids opening their first Christmas gifts of the season!
Sounds like you are choosing friends over family. His routine is established, his wife and family have their family routine well established. YTA
I don’t think there’s any harm in asking, but OP needs to accept no as a possible answer.
NAH if you ask kindly once, explaining your situation. But respect his answer, he’s balancing two families and dealing with his MIL’s expectations.
YTA: You knew that he spends Christmas Day lunch with his wife’s family, then comes and visits your family afterwards. You making plans with friends, and thus missing seeing the kids, was your choice.
Asking his entire family to rearrange their plans at relatively last minute to accommodate you seeing friends is kind of assholish.
Your family still sees him on Christmas Day. He just doesn’t eat with you. I am not sure what the issue is with that. It isn’t like he spends the entire day at his in-laws and doesn’t see your family.