I (23F) need some help here because I feel like I’m being made out to be the asshole here, but I honestly don’t think I am.
So, my brother (29M) and his wife (29F) are expecting us to send their daughter (20monthF) all Christmas presents to their house so they can open them on Christmas morning there.
They said they’d record it for us so we could “watch” her open them – which confused us because for years since my brother was born we would make it a whole famoly thing. We open what we get from put parents and then go to our grans to open presents from everyone else… but they just want every single present at theirs?
But the thing is…some of the gifts I bought, particularly the bigger dollhouses and toys, are staying at my house for neice to open when she visits us. I don’t want all the gifts leaving our home just to be transported back hours later it makes no sense to me, and I want neice to have some gifts with us too. That, plus my SIL said that all the presents should be to stay at their house, which, again I don’t understand as neice will have plenty to go around and I just thought that keeping two here at my house with my parents (M50) (F50) would be a good idea for when neice comes to visit us all so she has more age appropriate toys.
When I told them this, they kept pushing, insisting that everything should be at their house for their “family Christmas morning.” They even went so far as to text my mum, trying to make it seem like we were upset, when honestly we were just trying to set boundaries.
To be honest, I feel like this has highlighted a bigger problem: my brother and his wife have been distancing themselves from our family for years, choosing to spend almost all of their time with SIL’s family. This has made my mum hurt, my dad furious, and me and my sister (F19) feel like we barely even have a relationship with my brother anymore.
I’m left wondering if I’m wrong for wanting to keep some of Neice’s presents at my house for her to open here, and to not be forced into sending everything over for them to control the Christmas morning experience.
My mum is worried that if we try to fight back my brother and SIL will stop us from seeing neice ever again.
It’s gotten to the point where I left my SIL saying "right, fine." And leaving her on read. It’s stressed me out and upset me.
I understand they want family time with her in the morning… but having every present in their house? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I wasn’t brought up like that nor was my brother.
My mum’s given up and has now just finished wrapping up all their presents and put them in a bag ready for her to take them up to their place, including my brothers and SIL presents – because if they want neices they can have it all at this point.
I’ve done the same. Picked out two of the presents for my neice and saving the rest for her birthday. And gave my mum my brother and SIL’s present to put in the bag.
So… AITA?
NTA. Sounds like they haven’t gotten her anything and want to take all the present cred.
I would send some and keep the big ticket things as things you have at home when she comes to visit. Don’t even have them as presents.
Brings to mind the post I read somewhere that a woman caught her MIL telling all the little kids that Santa wasn’t real and the gifts were actually from her. Don’t remember where I read it.
ESH.
The wrapped gifts don’t need to be transported to their home. That being said, do not buy children gifts for a home other than their own. If grandma and grandpa want toys at their house then they buy some for their house when it is not a holiday. Don’t give gifts that won’t go home with the child!
“Here’s a dollhouse. Maybe you’ll be able to play with sometime if your parents ever bring you over to visit.”
My mom bought my kid this giant fire truck toy at goodwill when we were flying there and home. My kid spent 3 years asking when he was going to get to take it home. It had to wait until my dad moved closer to us.
I LOVE when shit for the kids stays at their grandparents’s places 😂 Like, please take some of this off our hands.
NAH. Probably going to get downvoted, but maybe they’re trying to start their own family tradition by staying at home on Christmas morning. This seems to be about boundaries more than present distribution.
I agree that thier plan isn’t the right way to do that, but they could also be trying to balance equal time with SIL’s parents, brother’s parents, and also grandparents (OP said in another comment). And let’s spare a thought for the toddler, who is going to be absolutely exhausted after that kind of day.
That doesnt explain why all the presents have to be at their place to be opened Xmas morning in front of only the parents. If it was really about balance they could ask to do a different day and let the kid ‘extend’ the Xmas present fun by opening gifts on multiple days, it also allows for less presents to be tossed aside and forgotten about because they have more time to play with them before the next “new toy” gets opened
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Growing up my sister and I would spend a week at our grandma’s house plus mist holidays. One year we were given a kitchen set for Christmas and it stayed at grandma’s. I loved that kitchen! After a year or so, mom convinced grandma to let her take it back to our house. That kitchen wasn’t fun anymore. Keep a few gifts and your house. Not everything has to be at niece’s
ESH. Giving gifts that have to be kept at your house is a weird thing to do. You are being weirdly controlling and trying to force time with them which is probably why they’re pulling away.
>They even went so far as to text my mum, trying to make it seem like we were upset
…you are upset.
>when honestly we were just trying to set boundaries.
What boundaries, exactly, are you trying to set? Because boundaries are for how people are allowed to treat *you*, not for what other people are allowed to do.
YTA. Your brother and his wife want to establish their own Christmas traditions instead of orbiting your parents – you don’t have to want that for yourself but your family needs to let your brother grow up and make decisions for himself and his family (which is his wife and child now, sorry fam).
Buying gifts for a child that the child can’t take home is controlling and manipulative. Super extra Y/A.
Boundaries are for your own behavior, not for controlling others.
> I understand they want family time with her in the morning… but having every present in their house? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I wasn’t brought up like that nor was my brother.
Why does your niece need to be brought up the same way you and your brother were?
I also aaw in your other comment that they live 10 mins away and you’re not the one transporting the gifts, so this requires little effort on your end.
So I repeat my question, why does your niece need to be brought up the same way you were?
Edit: I read another comment of yours and this whole thing is clearly not about the presents or where they’re opened, what’s actually bothering you is that your relationship with your brother is going through issues. As someone who has gone through similar-ish family drama, I can almost guarantee you that regardless of how odd this request sounds to you, refusing to have the presents be moved 10 mins away is not going to help you fix your relationship. ESH, but you’re wasting your own time and energy thinking about the presents instead of focusing on the real issue.
ESH.
They’re trying to establish Christmas at home with their immediate family unit and that’s 100% fine and awesome. Hauling all over on Christmas Eve/Day with kids really isn’t that fun. So good for them to adhering their own family tradition and not letting anyone tell them otherwise – more families need to do this. So many WANT to and end up caving to what everyone else wants. If schlepping everyone around is something they WANT to do then great, but they don’t, and it’s their holiday too so they should do what they want.
That being said, having all of the gifts sent to their house isn’t necessary. Do you not see them any other time in December besides on Christmas Eve/Day? If not, maybe it’s time to start.