I asked my boyfriend not to come back to my house because I felt deeply disrespected, and I need a neutral opinion on whether I overreacted.
The disrespect began the previous night, but what broke the camel’s back was the following incident: he used my kitchen cloth to wipe his dirty shoes. He asked me where the cloth he had used the days before was, and I told him I didn’t know where he had left it. He then said he would use my kitchen cloth, which i told him he should not use as he can find another cloth outside to use but he went and took the same kitchen cloth from the dish rack, and started wiping his shoes with it. I questioned him while he was doing it, but he continued. When he was finished, he placed the cloth back with the clean sponges. I wish he even threw it away instead of putting it back, Mind you his shoes were very dirty.
I felt this was extremely disrespectful and asked him to take his key and not come back to my house. Later, he did not apologise. Instead, he insulted me and said I had chased him out of my house over “a rag worth less than one euro.”
So my question is: Am I an Asshole to ask him not to come back, or was this a clear case of disrespect?
Well done for managing to cram disrespect, boundaries and gaslighting into one post.
I think putting a dirty rag back with clean sponges is the straw here. But why are his shoes so dirty that he needs a cloth to clean them every time and how many times did he clean his shoes and put the cloth back without you knowing?
NTA
That is so disgusting. He put it BACK IN THE KITCHEN. Where the **FOOD** is made.
People in the comments here saying “yOu ShOuLd hAvE SaId sOmThInG”. Um, it’s not using the cloth that’s the problem. It’s PUTTING IT **BACK** IN THE KITCHEN.
This is how people get sick. He is gross and any normal adult would know that’s not ok.
The worst part is that she SAID IT. It’s a problem that he used it when she told him not to, even worst to put it back where it was.
All I can say here is … WTF?
NTA and what are people here on? Who in their right mind takes a kitchen cloth for dishes and wipes their shoes then puts its back on the counter? He could have simply taken his shoes off… he disrespected your home and boundaries point blank and this ain’t no Gen z or millennial BS this is just plain rude and a lack of manners on the boyfriend.
NTA, it sounds like he’s intentionally doing things to set you off.
Yes, its a kitchen cloth. But its the principal of the matter. He was being unsanitary in your home when he could have just taken his shoes off outside or at the very least not thrown the rag where the clean sponges off. Yuck.
Its common sense not to do what he has done. Some people repeatedly do things like this that *seem* forgiveable, because they’re trying to erode at their partner’s patience until they have an outburst, then spin it around and say ‘See? You got so mad at me over something so little. You must be an insane’, leading to the victimised partner questioning themself and giving the other more control in the relationship.
I won’t claim thats whats happening here, but I wouldn’t doubt it’s a possibility. I’d be wary of this guy.
NTA idk who these other commenters are but I would really question my attraction to a person over this, personally.
It is weird to wipe your shoes at someone else’s house. He doesn’t live there. It’s even weirder to help yourself to someone’s dish cloth to do it, then put it back like you expect them to clean it up for you.
He expects you to handle his dog-shit and mud from his shoes, and he so helpfully placed it where it belongs: in your clean dish rack.
TF?! In what world is that a normal thought process.
Has this man seriously never heard of a paper towel? A napkin? Toilet paper? They are shoes, he could have rinsed them in the tub or thrown them in the washing machine.
Absolutely insane thought process, and I wouldn’t feel compatible with this person after this.
NTA
it isn’t about the cost of the cloth.
It is the fact you asked him not to do something, he completely ignored you and did something disgusting and gross.
he showed considerable disrispect and a complete lack of any hygine awareness. both of these are reasonable reasons to break up with someone.
NTA. He disrespected your authority in your house. If he won’t respect you over a dish cloth, why would be over anything else, if he thinks his own opinion is so valuable? There’s close to a billion other people out there who’ll not use your clean kitchen cloth to clean their shoes or ignore you.
NTA. OP set a boundary to not use the dish cloth and BF did it anyway. If OP didn’t give some kind of consequence that would indicate to BF that OP’s boundaries are not serious or just preferences.
NTA you asked him not to do something and he did it anyway.
It might seem like an “overreaction” but if he won’t respect you in the little things, maybe he won’t do so in the big things. It’s your house, those are your things. He could’ve looked for the other rag harder instead of ruining your kitchen cloth. Which you now have to wash because he simply did whatever he wanted and disregarded you.
NTA. This wasn’t about the cheap cost of the kitchen cloth. It’s about his inability to be patient for just a couple of minutes while you look for the shoe cloth (or heck, he could have put the shoes down on a plastic bag/the door mat/a sheet of newspaper, and helped you look!). It’s also about his lack of hygiene in putting the dirty kitchen cloth back in its place and consequently contaminating the rest of the items you use to clean your dishes – a lack of hygiene so pronounced and deliberate that it feels like it was intended to punish you for not having his shoe cloth available instantaneously.
That’s a guy who’s throwing up multiple red flags in one simple action. Don’t feel guilty for getting rid of him.
NTA.
You didn’t know where he left the cloth he used to work his shoes the night before. That means he didn’t put it in the laundry after. He didn’t hand wash it and hang it up to dry. He didn’t do anything a reasonable adult would do. He created more chores for you to do AFTER a scavenger hunt to find his filth in your home.
All this preceded his using kitchen linens on his shoes, gross enough, against your express non-consent, AND THEN putting the dirty cloth back with clean kitchen supplies. No one should ever eat food from the kitchen of Redditors who say ESH or YTA.
You are right to disallow him access to your home. He doesn’t respect it, he doesn’t respect you, and he seems to delight in creating needless work for you. Men seem to think they’re competing against each other for a limited supply of women. The truth is, men are competing against the value of women’s time spent without them. Your time spent alone is better than your time spent with this man. Reclaim your time, girl!