So tonight, my wife looked at me like she was disgusted with me. I asked why and she said to me,” you don’t care about me.” I asked how so and she said If I cared I’d get her a night nurse to help with the 4 children at night. I told her I can’t afford that, I don’t make enough to even think about that. So what I’ve been doing is getting up every night and letting her sleep or getting up with her to help her anytime she needs it. She said that even if two days out the week we had one would work. After doing the math it comes out to almost a quarter of what I make a year. Obvious with bills and everything else I still can’t afford that comfortably. I said this is ridiculous and she was being ridiculous, that she is wanting us to be broke. Doesn’t help she is the main spender, whether it be groceries that don’t last cause she doesn’t cook, or stuff that is generally not needed at the time. However the financial situation is my fault? Anyways she goes on about how she was tired and angry. She also said she has insomnia, I told her I don’t think so. She doesn’t try to sleep, she stays on her phone or watches tv or plays games, she got angry and said I all the time disregard what she has. Keep in mind this is a self diagnosis she has made. She then goes to tell me how she’s angry again at everything. So I said yeah so you take it out on me and make me not enough, she didn’t hear me I guess but I think she may at least heard a little about it, then she goes on to say that she hopes I burn in hell.
This seems a bit unfair to me I work long hours, clean, cook, take care of the kids (she mainly handles it during the day and such, but I do help where I can or if she asks I will say I could probably do better here, but I’m working on it) take care of the kids at night to try and make sure she gets sleep disregarding my own despite the 8/12/16 hrs shifts I work. She does allow me to get a nap in but that’s after I get our oldest to school and breakfast and the other kids are up and taken care of, and at most I get maybe 4 hours of sleep. She gets more due to me constantly doing this but it doesn’t seem good enough. I don’t know maybe I need to do more? (I know there is always something I can work on and try to make sure I’m getting better) but am I doing it to slow,are my efforts not enough?
ESH
Y’all do not communicate well at all. You’re both clearly stressed, but that’s no excuse to talk to each other the way you do.
Why do you need help with 4 kids at night? I imagine since it’s mentioned about getting 1 off to school they’re not quintuplets.
How old are your children??
You have failed to state how old the children are, this is important to know!
Why do you have 4 kids? Was there forethought or planning that went into this? Is birth control just not available or accepted where you live?
I would probably be stressed and depressed too if I had to take care of 4 kids but that’s why I don’t have 4 kids.
Is this real? ESH. The fact you both brought four (four?!) kids into this mess of a relationship is inexcusable.
What you actually needed was a condom
Info: How old are your children?
I don’t like you saying ‘she is the main spender’. Of course she is. You work 16 hour days – when exactly are you buying things for the house and your children. And don’t you dare consider diapers or clothes and shoes for your kids as her fun money she is blowing.
Your wife doesn’t cook – do you cook? I assume she is feeding the kids somehow since they are still alive, so she is doing something while you are at work.
She is raising your kids and you know a night nurse is worth 25% of your salary — so how much of your salary would it take to cover childcare while your wife works? Is it feasible for her to work – or is it cheaper for the family that she stays home?
Maybe remember the money she saves the family when you want to complain about what she spends if you do decide it’s better she stays home.
Listen: your wife is telling you she is overwhelmed with the kids. You are overwhelmed too, but your post is very targetted toward things you want your wife to do and how she spends money. That doesn’t signal to me that you want to solve this problem; you’re not suggesting ways to help kids sleep through the night, you are making pointed comments about your wife so you can ignore her complaints and feel good about it.
The night nurse is not something you can afford, fine — but that doesn’t change your wife needing help. She is telling you she needs help. If you can’t help, the two of you need to talk about what other things could help. Can family help out with the kids sometime? Can she go back to work? Can you see a doctor about the kid(s) who won’t sleep?
Because if y’all get divorced because she asked for help and you ignored her, you will still need to find money for childcare. You made those kids and they are your responsibility too, and it’s not a good sign you want to blame your wife instead of tackling your problems like a team.
The guy is getting four hours sleep at night so she can get more than that. He’s not exactly doing nothing.
OP, it does sound like you wife hasn’t unrealistic expectation when it comes to what the two of you can afford. I’m glad you’re helping her at night, but you should both be doing that so that both of you get a chance to sleep. It’s true to say that she would probably sleep better if she didn’t look at screens before going to bed. That is a well-known fact at this point and if she wants to get better sleep she should do more to wind down and get away from screens before bed.
NTA, and I hope you and she can communicate better on how to make this work for you both.
INFO: How old are the kids? Do any of them have special needs? Has your wife been screened for Postpartum Depression?
YTA. Not becasue you aren’t getting a night nurse but becasue you can do the maths and decided to have 4 kids anyway. Did you not know what your income is and how hard and expensive having kids is?
ESH
You are dismissing what she is telling you, she needs help just not the way she thinks. She’s not coping and your response is to dismiss her.
Food doesn’t last because she doesn’t cook, she says she has insomnia but you told her you don’t think so, that’s not communication and it’s not supportive.
People with insomnia do go on their phones and play games because just laying there sucks.
She needs to see a therpist or doctor, she may have post partum, she may be depressed and you are just dismissing her.
The financial situation is BOTH your faults for having so many kids when you clearly can’t afford it. Not hers for not cooking.
You need empathy and she needs a reality check but mental health check first.
ESH Whose decision was it to have 4 kids
I mean I went in patient from lack of sleep. I’m at a loss as to why yall had so many fucking kids. Are they disabled too? Older children don’t need night nurses.