So my best friend is a hairdresser. My mother in law (F71) wanted to change up her look for the holidays and asked me to set her up with an appointment. From what she told me, she wanted her hair, which used to be shoulder length (mostly gray but she was blonde so it looks all gray) to be cut down pretty short, almost like a pixie. I loved her hair but she said it was getting hard to maintain, and my friend also gave her a lot of other easy maintenance options, but she was set on super short hair. This last Saturday she debuted her new hair, and she wasn’t super happy with it. She said my friend did a great job, but she just couldn’t recognize herself. I told her I understood it was a big change, and it might take a while to get used to, but it really suits her face and is a very stylish, mature haircut. That’s where I went wrong. The word “mature” set her off. We have a really good relationship, so this has been the only time she’s lost it towards me. She started crying and saying I called her old and told me I set her up and told my friend to make her look old. They took her into another room, but at that point we all knew dinner was over. My husband and I went home, and he told me it’s ok and she’d get over it. I’ve since texted her twice and she refuses to talk to me. AITA?
I mean NTA that’s just silly. She’s just taking it out on you because you’re an easy option.
NTA – Show her picture of Miranda from devil wears Prada, very mature and chic. For real though, a lot of people go into haircuts wanting something that doesn’t flatter them without realizing it. It takes a while for the new look to set in, she’s upset because she doesn’t like the way that it looks on her/ doesn’t meet her expectations and her only outlet is to take it out on you so it doesn’t turn on herself. Try not to take it personally, it sucks but she’ll get over it.
NTA, she’ll get over it. I mean at 71 she is old. She’s probably just having a hard time accepting that she’s aging.
NTA
Your husband is quite right – just back off and leave her alone.
As an old chick myself, she’s barmy. She’s 70. Ffs Denise, you ARE old. Grow up and accept it. Lots of people never get the privilege of hitting 70 in this world.
Finally, it’s your friend I feel sorry for, especially if MIL does something like leave a bad review on her business somewhere. Don’t refer your MIL to anyone else again. Let her sort her own hairdresser out and if she carries on, remind her of this.
Oof, that was a bad word choice. Classic or timeless might have been a better choice; they convey that it’s not a trendy faddish look but rather one that shows good taste and maybe a bit of restraint.
I think she’s overreacting because she’s not happy with how she looks and doesn’t quite feel like herself yet and is worried that it comes across as the old lady chop. I guess ESH, but honestly I’m kind of reluctant to call either of you TA. It’s hard to be a woman who is aging and worried about looking old in our youth-obsessed culture.
NTA. She was set on super short hair. Sounds like your friend/hair dresser tried to give her other options but your MIL made her choice anyway. That’s on her. She’s sounds like she’s going through a hard time in terms of aging at the moment. It happens. And now she has a haircut she doesn’t like as well. Wait it out till she comes around. Maybe not set up her appts anymore with your BF/hairdresser so she can’t blame you for her choice of hair cut. You did the best you could.
ESH she’s being dramatic but using the word “mature” for someone in their 70s does seem passive aggressive in a “I told you so” type of way.
NTA. I think ‘mature’ was the wrong word choice but it really did not have to set her off that way. Her turning it into an accusation that you did this TO her is especially outlandish and unfair to you.
Since you’ve already been the bigger person by reaching out after this meltdown, I don’t think you should do anything else. Maybe your husband can help repair things if this is going to remain awkward between you but I think your MIL’s behavior is really out of line here and TBH she owes you an apology. I am trying to be sympathetic that you caught her at a very fragile time – I realize the feeling that you don’t recognize yourself, or that you have aged yourself with a choice like this, is very unsettling. But I just don’t think this excuses that behavior.
Question – in your text messages, did you apologize for using the wrong word to describe her hair?
Edit – Is your MIL showing any other signs of paranoia? In the context of a loving, close relationship with you, her accusation against you really doesn’t make any sense. Is this an unfortunate byproduct of how much she’s struggling with her new look or might something else be going on for her, mentally?
NTA. She has buyer’s remorse and is taking it out on you. Never recommend anything to her again. Ever. I don’t care if it’s a book, movie, or restaurant. Remind her how poorly she appreciated your advice this time.
nta, but good luck with this.
NTA. She’s 71. That is mature. She needs to embrace her age.
NTA. My gosh, she’s 71. That’s “mature.” Geez. I am 75 and know I am no spring chicken. She’ll get over it.
NAH
She is probably struggling with a number of things if that set her off – I don’t think your comment was really the root cause of this.