My husband (30M) and I (29F) have been married for about 1.5 years, together for 7 years, and living together for 4.5 years – no children. Throughout our entire relationship, I have made significantly more money than he has, until a few months ago; he was promoted at work, so he now makes slightly more than I do. Even though I used to make more than him, I have always been the one to take on all of the domestic labor (meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.) even though we both work full time – this has been the case ever since we first moved in together.
At first, I thought me performing these tasks was the natural way of heterosexual relationships because he would always tell me that I do them so much better and they are my responsibility since my standards are so high. Lately, though, I have been feeling like it’s unfair of me to continue to take on all of these tasks while we both work full time and equally contribute to the bills, especially the tasks involving meal planning/prepping. I should probably clarify that up until recently, I was too self-conscious, insecure, and scared of him leaving me to stand up for myself. This is no longer the case.
I am super into working out and eating healthy, homecooked meals, so I try to be very intentional with the food I eat – I also like variety (for example, I am open to eating vegetarian/vegan meals every once in a while). On the other hand, my husband is a creature of habit and likes to eat the same things over and over. He also NEEDS to eat meat with every single meal, and doesn’t really care whether the meal is healthy or not.
The work involving the food we eat is the only thing I’d want to change because it takes up the majority of my mental load. I’m tired of being the one to check in with him every week to make sure we’re on the same page as far as what I’ll make. I’m also tired of constantly compromising what I would like to eat in order to accommodate his requests. To clarify, I am tired of doing all of this for free, essentially. Apparently, it can cost $750 per week to hire a personal chef, so I feel like I need to emphasize this value to him. I’m thinking of presenting him with two choices:
1. I will continue to do what I am currently doing for us on the condition that every time we order take out or go out on date night, he always pays; currently, we take turns paying for each other. I think this option is more than fair because since I am already cooking for the majority of the week, he would definitely not spend nearly as much as $750 per week.
2. If he doesn’t want to pay for every takeout order and date night, then I will use my own money to grocery shop and cook for myself. He will have to figure out all his meals every week, but I will continue to take turns paying for each other on weekends when we order out.
Would I be the asshole if I sat him down and presented him with these options when I’ve allowed our dynamic to be what it is for so long?
You are making this too complicated
Just switch off cooking and shopping trips ( list of food needed on fridge)
You cook Monday, he cooks Tuesday etc…
I think the issue with that is that they are incompatible eaters.
You’re NTA for wanting to renegotiate how household labor works. However:
1. You’re married. There is no “he pays”/”I pay,” because you both own your community property in common, don’t you?
2. Again, I don’t really understand the “my own money” thing.
I also don’t understand what money has to do with emotional labor and mental load.
Are you familiar with weaponized incompetence? Google it if not. Your husband sounds like a pro at it.
Your husband needs to step it up and learn how to plan for, cook and feed himself and you as part of a healthy partnership. You are NTA.
Dont accept weaponized incompetence. He can learn to cook and meal prep as well for the two of you. NAH – you need to talk to your husband. It’s strange that you feel you need this much preparation to have a simple conversation. It’s like you’re preparing a defense already.
It’s looking very transactional. Maybe your marriage has run its course?
But NTA for wanting to rebalance things. Long marriages only lasts if people evolve as needs change
ESH
This is a mess. You need to talk to him.
Also considers joint account for household expenses and you pay for your food be it groceries or eating out from of that.
NTA for wanting a change, but the underlying issue is what you said above. He thinks you do domestic labor “so much better”, aka you’re a woman so you should do them even though you both work full time. If it were me, I think the stance I’d be taking is we either split household and cooking equally, or I’m only cooking for myself. If he wants you to continue doing all the cooking, then he doesn’t get to complain when it’s occasionally meatless or something he doesn’t like.
It boils me so much to hear a man say “you’re just so much better at it than me” Like I didn’t put in the time to be good at all my skills.
The XP bar only goes up, there isn’t an excuse for your gender role.
NTA
Glad you found your spine finally but I would argue the 2 options you’re offering him are still too generous.
He should either eat the same meals as you, help with the prep and split the bill for groceries. Or, if he doesn’t like the same things buy his own and prep his own.
Something tells me someone as spoiled and uninterested in fending for himself will make a big deal out of any change to this unfair arrangement.
I also think she’s being too generous overall. He needs to step up and help with more around the house, beyond the meal situation.
Are you even married? Sounds like you’re living separate lives?
NTA but ugh. Personally I would say, since you like to eat differently, that you are each responsible for your own meal planning and cooking.
And then I’d say he needs to do 50% of the other household chores, because you both work full time, and he’s an adult who lives there too. There’s no reason he can’t do laundry, vacuum, clean the baths, etc.
ESH – You’re making it way too complicated. Split the household chores. If a partner helps with chores, you can’t criticize how they do it necessarily. Unless they’re deliberately slacking to make you do it yourself. Sometimes you do just have to lower your standards a bit. Or take turns, so when you clean next time you can do a better job. But if they’re genuinely trying to help, give them credit for it.
You say you don’t have kids yet. But are you planning to? If you throw kids into this mix with you doing all the chores, all the work will bury you. Better to equalize it now.
And stop talking about your money/my money. If you keep finances separate, that’s fine. But set up a joint account that you each contribute to for common things like eating out, vacations, etc