Hi everyone, my first time posting here so sorry if I’ve done anything wrong! Please bear with me because this is long and convoluted…
Basically my F34 Husband M36 has been in a constant state of self pity for roughly 4 years now. I know that sounds harsh but I can’t cope with it anymore.
He was had a nasty right knee injury 4 years back and since then I have done everything I can to help him and look after him and both our kids (5&9). My husband has finally had all of the treatments he needs for his knee injury and is recovered from that thank goodness! But my problem is that now he’s still in this self pitying mindset and acting as though he can’t do anything for himself at all… I’m still being expected to care for him and our children and our home as if nothing has changed. No matter what I or any family members (primarily his mother) tell him he just won’t snap out of being “helpless”.
I have done my absolute best to be caring and understanding with everything he has had to go through and the long road to recovery he has had. But right now I really need the same kind of support I’ve given him in return. I have just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer this past week and I am exhausted. My emotions are all over the place, and I have still been doing absolutely everything with the kids, the house etc on top of all the appointments I’ve had. Today he’s saying that he’s having chest pains and has been to see the Dr, they told him it’s nothing to be concerned about and he’s complaining of being dismissed. He’s now been in bed all day and asking me to bring him food and drinks etc. I’ve now also had to collect both children from school when he was supposed to be doing that today.
WIBTA if I just tell him to snap out of it and get a grip? And explain I’m the one who needs looking after right now?
NTAH, it’s harsh, but he needs this wake-up call. If you don’t confront him about this YWBTAH because you would just be enabling this behavior.
NTA four years ago is wild 😭
NTA. Are you kidding me? Honey, even before reading you’ve been diagnosed with ovarian cancer I was leaning in your favour. After that detail, absolutely NTA!
The fact he hasn’t stepped up during your diagnosis is appalling (assuming he knows). I’m so sorry.
NTA – if he wants to be mothered then threaten to send him back to his parents.
IMO telling him to “snap out of it” isn’t going to change anything and will only allow him to sink further into a pity spiral (that you’re not supporting him).
Are you able to get his parents on your side? Perhaps having them talk to him would get a better reaction. Even better if you can pack him off to stay with them for a while.
Alternatively, is there somewhere *you* can go and stay? Parents or good friends? Communicate that with your recent diagnosis you need to rest, so he will need to look after the house and your children but that you’ll stay elsewhere so that he doesn’t need to nurse you as well.
He sounds like he’s in a depression and would benefit for speaking to a professional also.
Are you getting the support you need from anywhere?
NTA. Honestly it sounds like your husband is either being manipulative, because he likes his cushy being babied lifestyle, or is extremely depressed or anxious. Either way, he needs to do something about it NOW.
The fact that you were just diagnosed with cancer and your husband is still acting like he is the victim is worrisome and disturbing. It shows an incredible lack of empathy and care for you. You need to surround yourself with people who will support you as you get through this time.
Your husband does need a wake up call. Maybe he needs to get out of the house until he comes to his senses. Maybe he can go stay with his mom, who I’m glad to hear is also looking at this situation with clear eyes. But you are right, things cannot continue the way they have been.
NTA. If he can’t snap out of it then he has to go to therapy. Either way, I wouldn’t baby him anymore.
NTA times a thousand. Tell him to get his ass out of bed and start acting like an adult instead of a child. You’re not his waitress or nurse or maid, marriage is a partnership. If he doesn’t understand the severity of ovarian cancer, then tell him, in no uncertain terms that you’ve stopped babying him now that his knee has healed.
Tell him that YOU will need HIM to help you in the weeks/months ahead and he’d better start now. If he refuses, let him lay in bed, don’t bring him food or water, he can do that himself or he can lay there and whine (which he’s doing anyway) so he can just **GET OVER IT**!!! The old ‘woe is me’ self pitying has got to end.
I apologize for being so blunt here, hopefully I won’t get deleted. But your husband needs to grow the hell up. I can’t imagine treating my wife like this EVER.
I am ao sorry for what you are going through. The only way forward is to drop the load. Just drop it. He will either step up and pick up or he will show you that he is not willing to. In that case…lessen your load in any and every way possible. How much does he weigh because you’ve got to stop carrying him. Stop doing anything for him. Bad enough he is doing nothing for you at this time. You wnbta even if you go much much much further than asking him to snap out of it. Sending you much love and positivity for what lies ahead. Please take care of yourself.
Your husband is behaving like a toddler with a booboo. Cancer beats a four year old knee injury every time. Tell him to get a grip.
NTA
Ovarian cancer is quite serious. If he wants to lay up in a bed with a nondiagnosis asking to be waited on – at this point I would ask his family to “take care” of him because not only is he not doing anything to help you, but he is requiring that you wait on him – enough of this big baby. send him to his mother and explain that you are fighting a life threatening illness and you don’t have time to indulge his hypochondria.
That you need support and the way they can help you is to take him off of your hands.
Im sorry. You just got diagnosed with OVARIAN CANCER and he’s making you wait on HIM?? Throw the whole husband away. Go stay with your family with the kids for like a week and let him rot on his own.
It sounds like hubby may have a serious case of malingering. Malingering itself is usually a symptom of some level of metal health dysfunction. He should see a licensed mental health professional.
None of that relieves him of his responsibilities as a spouse and parent. If he isn’t going to be supportive in your health crisis, then you need to start taking measures to physically and financially protect yourself and children. Speak to your cancer clinic about needing a social worker to help you find services that will help you with any physical support you need. Also, go find a divorce attorney and start consulting them about financially securing yourself in this time and removing yourself from what has become an emotionally abusive marriage.
You are NTA. I hope you have a full recovery.
I hate to say this but please be prepared for a divorce. Statistics show that 21% of men leave their sick wives because they can’t cope with it where as 3% of women leave their husbands. You already showed that you would stay if he got sick. Now you’re literally battling cancer and he’s making your life harder.
Prioritize your health, including mental. Let him fend for himself and figure it out. You need to be as healthy as possible to fight this and be there for your kids.
Do you have family or friends that can help you?
You need to tell him more than snap out of it. You need to tell him to step up and be a husband and father not an invalid because of
4 year old knee injury.
NTA
Kick cancers butt!!!