This past week I (46F) took my husband (52M) on a birthday vacation to a city about 4.5 hours away from where my parents currently live. Happy birthday, hubby! These trips are especially meaningful to us because he has stage IVb cancer, and we’re intentionally creating memories while we can.
We left Friday and returned last night, so it was only a short three-night trip. I did not tell my parents we would be nearby. I also changed my social media privacy settings so family members couldn’t see our vacation posts and asked my adult kiddo to keep it quiet from their cousins, because I knew my brother or sister-in-law would likely mention it to my parents.
Normally, I wouldn’t think twice about this. Here’s where I’m questioning myself:
My mom was recently diagnosed with stage III cancer, and it’s close to Christmas. My dad also has health issues. I know time with them may be limited.
I used to be very close to my parents when I was younger, closeted, and conservative. Now I’m essentially the black sheep of the family. For my own mental and emotional well-being, I keep contact limited. I do still love them, but interacting with them often means dealing with extreme political and religious beliefs that are emotionally exhausting and painful for me. (Especially in person)
So… AITA for choosing not to tell them I was nearby and prioritizing my husband and our limited time together?
An additional 9 hours of driving is not close.
You have way too much going on to try to people please everyone. You are NTA.
You need to step back and find time to see everyone but also care for you. Do not get lost being a rubber band stretching yourself thin.
NTA – lol 4.5 hours is not close in my book. Definitely not close enough for a day trip during your short vacation.
4.5 hours is not close by. It may be relatively near compared to where you live now but it is still far….far….away. By the sounds of it whatever you do it won’t be appreciated by the family with you being the black sheep… don’t feel one bit of guilt….
I think one hour/same city is the threshold for when you could maybe feel some guilt.
4.5 hours isn’t close enough to where you’re blowing them off. (Though I get it because sometimes merely mentioning the same state makes it seem like you were “in their neck of the woods”)
NAH
No and it doesn’t matter if they are 30 minutes away he is very ill . If they are bothered there are wrong.
NTA.
A) This was a couples trip, not a family trip.
B) 9 hours round trip isn’t close.
C) it’s ok to not see people just because you happen to be in their, very general, vicinity
If you want a real measurement of how important it would have been to visit ask yourself: would they have been willing to travel to see you where you were for just a lunch or dinner? (You weren’t visiting to see them so a meal would have been all you had time for IMO.) Don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you and husband.
NAH, I think you are in a difficult part of your life and theres no right answer here, spend time with those when you can and wishing everyone the best.
NTA. You are allowed to go on a trip without visiting family.
I was in a similar situation (sans health issues) with my parents. Our destination was about 5 hours away. We were at our destination for a specific reason. Had we gone, we would have been on the road all but 2 days of a 10 day trip.
Give yourself grace. You’ve done everything you can do to not hurt their feelings by limiting information getting to them that you were 4.5 hours away. You may be expecting their feelings to be hurt that you didn’t drop by. If they find out and their feelings are hurt, that is on them. A reasonable person would not consider 4.5 hours to be in the “drop by zone.”
NTA. You weren’t that close and it was a short trip. You tried to be kind and spare any hurt feelings by not announcing your presence. You’re good.
NTA
You’re allowed to visit someplace without the added expectation of visiting family.
That being said, I wouldn’t call 4.5 hours away “close”.
Nta. Besides 4.5hrs is too far to travel when the trip is 3 days