Earlier today, I (16M) took the bus to go see my boyfriend (also 16M). I snuck out because my parents did not want me to go. For context, my parents don’t let me do JACK SHIT by myself, and I’ve been homeschooled my entire life, so this was my first time ever taking the bus. Lucky for me, Google maps exists, and so does the bus website. I finally decided “fuck that I’m going to take the bus to see my goddamn boyfriend” and so I took the bus.
This made my entire family freak out, because I have only ever done this one other time and it was to go to the skate park (within walking distance). My annoying suckup little brother was texting me and so were my mom (51) and dad (53) (divorcing right now) and older sister. My dad’s friend and sister’s friend were also texting me.
Anyway. I spent time with my boyfriend and then took the bus home. My mom was angry at me for sneaking out, and she said that that was bad, somehow, despite the fact that A. I had already let them know that I was going to take the bus to see my “friend” (they don’t know we’re dating), and simply left even though they had said no. And B. it’s developmentally appropriate to want some level of freedom. Most 12-year-olds take public transit alone where I live. It’s not that big a deal.
I got so tired of my mom trying to justify how I apparently did the worst thing in the world that I snapped at her and told her about her sucky parenting practices had fucked up my development. I am already moderate-to-severely autistic, or however one says it, and I was quite literally never allowed to do anything by myself. Same with my little brother. And I told her that she had probably ruined my little brother’s education by homeschooling us for our entire lives (he’s severely behind). I’m already doing community college but my little brother struggles to complete any level of work. My mom just got upset about this.
TLDR: spent time with boyfriend (that parents think is just a friend) even though I didn’t have permission. Parents knew but still got upset. Have never really taken public transit or done anything by myself before. At home, got angry and snapped at mom and got mad at her for not letting me do anything by myself. I have no clue what to do.
Soft ESH leaning NTA.
You’re not wrong for wanting basic independence. At 16, taking a bus to see someone is extremely normal, especially if literal 12 year olds are doing it where you live. Being homeschooled, heavily monitored, autistic, and suddenly expected to magically function like an adult without ever being allowed to practice is a real setup. Your frustration makes sense and your parents clearly have some control and anxiety issues going on, especially with a divorce in the background.
That said, where you lose points is how you unloaded it. Going nuclear and telling your mom she ruined your development and your brother’s education in the heat of the moment might feel cathartic, but it guarantees the conversation goes nowhere productive. Even if parts of it are true, that kind of delivery makes people defensive, not reflective. You weren’t wrong about the freedom thing, you were wrong about the timing and the scorch the earth approach.
Your mom isn’t the villain either, just very overprotective and probably scared of losing control as you grow up. That doesn’t justify helicopter parenting, but it explains it. Sneaking out also wasn’t great, even if the rule itself was unreasonable. You kind of forced the conflict instead of negotiating it.
So yeah, you’re not an asshole for taking the bus or wanting autonomy. You are a bit of an asshole for how you handled the blowup. Your mom is also an asshole for infantilizing you for years and then acting shocked when you finally push back.
If you want this to actually change, the move now is calm, boring, adult conversations about incremental freedom. Bus rides. Schedules. Check ins. Not yelling matches. It sucks that you have to be the more mature one, but that’s usually how it goes when parents don’t adjust fast enough.
TLDR you’re right, your execution was messy, everyone needs to grow up a little here.
Well its normal for parents to freak out when their child disappears and they dont know where they went. However, your parents being overly controlling is bad because all they will do is lose you as a daughter which is sad. TBH this happens in a lot of families so idk what to say. Try to speak to them that u need more freedom and if they dont listen.. well in a couple years seems like u will just move out
OP is male
NTA, i have the same age as you and even have motor to go to school or anywhere, your parents will need to go realize that you arent need to be take care by them anymore. Plus, the safety is still good when you go with ur bf on a schoolbus so I really surprised when ur mom acts like that. Be independent is good right chat ?
Lol, a teenager would agree with the teenager XD
But to clarify, this wasn’t a school bus and the boyfriend wasn’t with him. Public transportation is not the same as a school bus.
And can we just drop the whole “chat” thing? You’re on Reddit, not hosting a live stream.
>I am already moderate-to-severely autistic, or however one says it
If you’re moderate to severely autistic, that means you need a considerable amount of help and would not be able to take the bus on your own. If that’s the case, then yta. If not, don’t just say things for karma.
I struggle to talk in real life and do need a lot of support. That doesn’t mean I don’t have four functioning limbs that allow me to hop the fence and pay a bus fare
As someone who also has strict parents, I’m sorry about this, I don’t think you’re in the wrong, but sadly until you can move out you basically have to do what your parents say. Hopefully you snapping at your mum will let her see how her behaviour is affecting you and might make her take a gentler approach and give you more freedom.
NTA
You just sound like a bratty teen to me.
ESH. Your parents sound overbearing and like they’ve overly sheltered you, but that doesn’t mean you get to just do whatever you want. They’re not abusing you, they’re not neglecting you, they’re just overly uptight and strict.
As long as you are dependent on them, ad long as you are living in their home and relying on them for food, basic necessities, healthcare, etc, and especially given you’re a minor, you do still need to follow the rules they set and respect them as your parents.
As I am also the same age, I get wanting to have freedom and being annoyed when everyone thinks otherwise. Your want it completely valid and being frustrated with your mom is too. I just don’t think that your safety should be even a little at risk when your parents made a boindary for it not to, when refusing. Pop off fs but if so, I think it would have been responsible for you to layout your plan , detailed, to mb not ur parents, but siblings and bf. Share location too so your parents know that ”someone” can keep there eyes on you Or at least knows where you are.
I can’t even bother to read this to the end. You my girl need a serious attitude adjustment! So let me get this straight, you’re a liar, you are disrespectful to your parents, you’re entitled, and you’re taking chances with your life that you can’t even begin to understand how dangerous your actions were and what the possible repercussions could have been. And what, now you want our pity?
I’m sorry but you get no pity or respect here. One day you will see for yourself that being a parent is not an easy job and no matter what, your parents deserve better. I pray that you will figure out sooner rather than later, before you make a choice that you are not ready for. You only get one childhood, enjoy every minute of it! You are creating chaos in your own life, your parents will only have to put up with it for two more years, but you have to live with choices for the rest of your life. Choose to be a person of good character and set yourself up for success, quit making choices that could affect you negatively for the rest of your life. Remember, you reap what you sow!
Yta