I (30M) have (or had) a small friend group of 4–5 guys I’ve known since high school/early college. For the last couple of years, I’ve been the default “provider” in the group: I have a bigger place with a home gym setup, so every hangout, study session, workout, or chill night happened at my house. I was usually the one driving people around, ordering/paying for food, etc. I didn’t mind at first, since I liked hosting and could afford it more than some of them.
But over time it started feeling really one-sided. No one else ever offered to host, chip in meaningfully, or even drive. When I was super stressed with assignment deadlines, I told the group I couldn’t host or drive for a while. Instead of understanding, one guy (the loudest in the group) started joking that I was “flaking” and “someone else should treat us next time,” and the others piled on with memes and teasing. They even tagged another friend asking if he could drive everyone instead. There was even a time where the loudest person told me to send him back to his house when he could have easily taken a train.
There was even a time where I told the loudest person to leave early so that he could catch the last train but he ignored my advice. Yet, at the end of the outing, he aggressively insisted on me sending him back to his house, when clearly I had work the next day. I was so pissed at this person’s behaviour. That was the final straw.
I pulled back and went quiet in the chat for weeks. No one checked if I was okay or apologised.
I realised:
* Conversations always revolved around the loudest guy’s stories
* They never introduced me (or each other) to their partners/family
* Double standards: if anyone else cancelled plans, no one complained about them. If I did, jokes and guilt.
I’ve now muted the chat and haven’t replied in over a month. Part of me misses the old fun times and feels bad cutting off people I’ve known for years, but I’m also angry they never acknowledged how one-sided it became.
AITA for just ghosting/low-contact instead of explaining or giving another chance? Or am I right to walk away from friends who only seemed to value what I could provide?
NTA. They sound awful. If any of them are true friends then I don’t understand why they wouldn’t have reached out privately by now.
Go to some board game shops and find new friends.
NTA. You pulled away to protect your mental health, and it seems these people were simply using you for their own convenience. Block them all, and start building a friend group with people that actually respect you.
NTA. Those weren’t friends, they’re leaches.
Find people who appreciate you.
One suggestion is to not say ‘yes’ to anything twice at the beginning as that sets up an expectation that you’ll do it. You also don’t need to justify your ‘no’.
You learn the truth about relationships when you say ‘no’ to someone. When they don’t respect the ‘no’, they don’t respect you.
NTA
They weren’t real friends.
NTA. Good for you for moving on…it’s time for some new people in your life.
NTA.
If you really want to see them say you’re tired of being at home and suggest a bar- and truly sit in the bar area- when you order your drink you hand your card to the server right away and say ‘close it out’ so you aren’t dealing with the mess of the check at the end of the night.
NTA. They were using you.
NTA. Good on you for putting yourself first and not allowing your “friends” to just use you and walk all over you.
It absolutely sucks when you stop initiating conversations and hangouts that all of a sudden it’s radio silence, but that’s how you know they’re not worth your time or effort!
These aren’t friends they are leaches. You need to burn them off and get some friends who can live without you.
NTA!
NTA. Welcome to being a grown up. Redefine your definition of friend.
NTA. You sound like a great friend. They sound sucky. Find better people to hang with- people who share the care.
NTA
Friendship, like any relationship, has to be based on mutual respect, trust, and understanding.
Sounds like the loud guy didn’t have *at least* 2 of those.
Also knowing people from school and yet never meeting their family or partner is…odd.
Sounds like you always hung out as a group, not ever having double dates or anything.
The group mentality is also one that generally isn’t sustained into post-college adulthood as work and romantic relationships, along with boring things such as property maintenance and mowing lawns takes precedence.
Does that mean you never see your friends? Of course not, but it tends to be gatherings where partners come along, such as barbecues, etc.
Sure the odd guys night or football match comes around but life tends to be much fuller and that’s a good thing.
You’ve matured, perhaps you value other things in a friendship now.