I (26F) am getting married next year. My sister (33F) is married and lives across the country, and I asked her to be my Matron of Honour. I love her deeply and wanted to honour our relationship, even though she won’t be able to be very involved in planning or day-to-day wedding tasks due to distance and her own commitments.
Because of that, I also asked two of my closest friends. LN (27) and NT (26) to be co-maids of honour. NT lives in the same town as me, while LN moved away 5-6 years ago and lives a few hours outside of town. I thought sharing the role made sense logistically so no one person felt overwhelmed, and so I’d have local support when needed. My intention wasn’t to rank anyone or diminish the role, but to be realistic about availability.
I planned a dinner for LN and I, as the timing worked out and she could be the the first person I was doing a proposal for. I wanted to ask each of them individually on different days to be intentional, personal, and special. During the dinner, I surprised LN with a co-maid of honour proposal, which was a small gift basket and a letter explaining how much she means to me and how important it would be to have her stand by my side…..HOWEVER, LN became distant and later told me she felt like a “second choice” and that having multiple Maids of Honour made the role feel less special and that she reallly did’t feel like a special person/ best friend and that ‘if it (the sole title) is not hers, she does not want it’. She expressed that because she’s been in my life longer, and we are more emotionally close compared to NT and I, she felt that I ‘tierd’ her in the same category to a ‘newer’ friend (mind you, NT and I have been friends for 3.5-4 years).
I tried to explain that this situation was not about ‘tiering’ or love or importance, but about logistics and sharing responsibilities, especially since my sister cant be very involved being across the country; and trying to coordinate with LN due to her work and social schedule being very busy while also coordinating with her travel schedule.
Now I’m questioning myself, my choices and genuinely thought I was being thoughtful and inclusive, but I may have hurt someone I care about, and/or made it
AITA for structuring my wedding party this way?
Mild YTA. By giving the title to everyone you greatly dilute the honor. Also, the MOH is the one who stands closest to the bride, and you will have to pick one of the three for that, pissing off the other two on your wedding day. Give the MOH title to the one doing the heavy lifting. Everyone else is a bridesmaid.
Soft YTA. If everyone is special, then no one is special.
You sly fox, you got me monologuing, #IYKYK
This is one of those situations where you shouldn’t try to please everyone. If everyone is a MOH then no one is. Unless they’re all walking together side by side down the aisle together you already have a problem. The last person to walk down before you, the one who stands closest to you during your ceremony, holds your bouquet, fixes your train, is your MOH. They can’t all do that. There’s only room for one. What other “jobs” does a maid of honor have? You should have just gone with your sister. Everyone probably would’ve been fine with that. “I can’t pick so I pick everyone” is a recipe for disaster.
Do people care THIS much about wedding planning? Really? This is what youre spending your mental energy on?
YTA
The role of the MOH is to the the one – the one who stands next to you. Who holds your bouquet.
You want three MOH and no BM, which is just bizarre to me. When you treat everything as a VIP, it really means that no one is.
YTA. Why don’t you just dispense with the titles and call them all the same thing instead of giving them what basically amounts to wedding “ranks”?
NAH because I completely follow your logic and would have considered that too BUT three people are doing one job and it IS less special for them individually.
Now personally… I think your friend should have kept those feelings to herself given wrdding parties are there for fun and nothing else but c’est la vie.
It seems now being invited to participate in a wedding means be a personal assistant to the bride. Her first 2 choices weren’t going to be available to run errands, decorate for showers, in general spend big bucks and do a lot of physical work. If I was this person I would have graciously declined and run away as fast as possible.
YTA Whether matron or maid, you have three ‘of honors.’ And you’ve made this quite transactional; you chose your co-maids of honor, which isn’t a thing, based on ‘logistics’ which you yourself said is who can provide the most free labor. This is your wedding to plan and pay for. Maids/matrons of honor have a short list of duties but your primary reasoning was who can do the most for you.
YTA-you don’t pick your wedding party based on “job responsibilities”. Good grief.
YTA because it’s clear these roles aren’t about who you want standing up with you on a special day, it’s fully about the “responsibilities” you expect them all to fulfill.
Well to me it sounds like you really would rather choose LN but you only did it this way cause you want the other gal to do the “dirty work” that LN can’t do because she’s too far. YTA.
Soft YTA It’s not on you, as the bride, to worry about the responsibilities that go with being MOH. I don’t know how it goes with bridal showers/hen nights, but the couple of times that I’ve been a groomsman, several of us pitched in where we could with the planning/execution of the stag do. Your other bridesmaids aren’t just going to leave your MOH high and dry if they need help.