Throw away account
I (24M) recently tricked my dad (51M) into getting a new laptop for my girlfriend (23F). And my mom (52F) is mad at me for it.
So for context my mother and father have been divorced since I was 7. My mother raised me and my sister (20F) basically alone. My father is a deadbeat, he’d never held down a job, he’d constantly make promises he’d never keep and never gave my mother any child support. My mother raised me and my sister with the help of my grandparents. She is the breadwinner and head of the household.
We aren’t rich, we’re middle class but most of the tech and gifts we got was from my dad’s family or my dad. My dad’s parents took great care of us when my dad couldn’t. My dad on the other hand always, tried I guess. We’d see him on the weekends, the places he stayed at were never nice, and he’d get us McDonald’s and toys, but as we grew up we realised how little he was doing. He’d always be late, he was never on time. And overall he just wasn’t reliable. He’d always say, he’s ganna get us this thing, or we’d go to to this place, then he’d call and say he can’t do it. And as we grew distant he’d try to guilt trip us by saying, "Oh I’m your dad, please forgive me, you know I didn’t mean to" it got old really fast.
Ever since I started dating my girlfriend over a year ago, my mother, and my sister have been weird about it. They act friendly with her but they’re so quick to exclude her, they once even cropped her out of a Christmas picture, and saw nothing wrong with it. They always bring up family and how important it is. I truly don’t understand any of it. What does family have to do with excluding my girlfriend?
So onto the current events. My girlfriend needs a new laptop, her old one is 5 years old and dying. I have a pretty decent gaming desktop, so I’m good. But I’ve never been able to play many games with her since her laptop was a potato. I don’t have a proper job yet, been working my way up, but it’s hard, I’d been saving up for a new laptop to get her, but it’s taking a while. She goes to collage so she needs a laptop over a desktop. My dad recently got a proper job, first time in many years. And recently started giving me and my sister money every month. He even asked us if he can buy us anything, I told him I wanted to get a laptop for my girlfriend, and he offered to get ‘me’ a laptop. I said sure "I’ll" take a laptop. So he bought it today, and I gave it to my girlfriend. My mother found out and she’s mad at me, she shouted at me for lying to my dad and giving the laptop to my girlfriend. Because apparently, we need stuff at home. What stuff is she talking about? I’m not sure she’s never spoken to me about it. I pay rent, if there’s more she needs, she can talk to me anytime but she hasn’t.
So reddit, AITA?
ESH.
Your family sounds unpleasant but you used deception to get your dad to do a thing that he wouldn’t have done otherwise and misappropriated a significant amount of money. Two wrongs don’t make a right. You could have used your dad’s money for your expenses and then been able to save more of your own to buy the laptop for your GF. They might be AHs for the way they treat her but you are too for accepting an expensive gift under a false pretense.
ESH
Your dad sucks for being late and not being reliable and never paying child support (idk his situation or if there are some kind of mitigation circumstances so I’m trying to give some grace) but he did try to be in your life so he isn’t absolutely terrible.
Your mom sucks for allowing your gf to be cropped out of pictures and such. If they didn’t want your gf in the picture they should say that before hand.
You suck for lying to your dad about the laptop. Just be honest and tell him exactly what will happen with said item. And maybe show your dad a little grace. At least he stayed in your life, even if he wasn’t the most reliable person you needed. Lots of dads just run off and the kid never sees them again…
If your dad was a deadbeat you and your sister wouldn’t have seen him on weekends that often, also your girlfriend of one year shouldnt be included in family photos so I think your sister and mom are within their right to not want her in family pictures.
YTA for lying to your dad, you could have just said outright that youd like to get it for your girlfriend, because if XY and Z. It seems childish at 24 to lie about something like that.
Info: Do I have it right that your dad knew it was for your gf when he agreed to buy it?
If so, NTA. Ditto for your gf. And your dad is also NTA (at least in this instance, though it sounds like he has been in other cases…) Your mom is being weird though if this is the case.
Father is described as a deadbeat, but later also as the one that provides most tech and he tries, always.
>I (24M)
>I don’t have a proper job yet, been working my way up
Respectfully, I’d focus on this part the most. Having a good gaming machine and (as you admit) lying to your dad/mom/both about needing a laptop so your gf can have it doesn’t seem to mesh with being your age and not working properly yet. I know it’s a tough market out there, but I’d focus on financial independence most.
You list a lot of reasons your dad’s been bad to you, and I really empathize, but I don’t think that it’s right to mislead him on how you are using his money. I think your mom has a point that if you’re living with her still, and don’t have a good income locked down yet, there are higher priority things than upgrading your gf’s gaming laptop.
Soft YTA.
YTA
Having a bad relationship with your father does not give you the right to defraud him. Especially of funds that are only supposed to go towards yours or your families needs, not your girlfriends. Congrats, youre on your way to being just as bad as your father.
I won’t excuse your upbringing because clearly that was shitty, but YTA for using your dad to get your girlfriend something your dad already said he wouldnt buy for her.
I’m curious, what makes you think you might *not* be TA for doing that?
YTA. Just because your dad is an AH doesn’t mean you can’t also be one.
Soft YTA
It sounds like your dad wasn’t really a deadbeat? It’s not cool to lie BUT what you do with a gift is your business. So YTA for lying, but not necessarily for regifting.
YTA for using your dad. You should google ‘dead beat dad’ before throwing that term around. You knew your dad felt guilty about not being the dad you wanted during your childhood and you used that guilt to manipulate him. You saw him on weekends, he bought you gifts, his family helped provide support to your mother for you and you still want to take what little it sounds like he has. Your dad might not have been perfect but by no means would his actions scream dead beat to anyone who legitimately had a dead beat dad.
YTA. Your dad could just be poor but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a deadbeat. There was a lot of things I couldn’t afford when my son was little. I tried to save to get him those “luxury “ things but not all the time.
The fact that whatever money he could scrounge around he tried to get you a laptop that you made him think you needed, then turns out it was for your gf, makes you an AH. You don’t know how much he’s had to scrounge for that money to afford it.
BTW, your gf is using you.
YTA for lying.
YTA
First of all, your relationship sounds very transactional. In no universe it’s okay to ask for an expensive gift as a laptop from a broke ass student. It’s neither okay to give it away, since you don’t have the means and you need the money/value yourself since your’e poor, nor is it okay to accept the gift knowing your economical situation.
Second of all, your father wanted to help you and not finance you and your girlfriends sugar relationship.
You are deceiving your near once for a girl. Please, get some self worth.