I am 18M and I do not have any children. I live in shared housing, and one of the people I live with is a man in his late 30s (38M) who has two young children. We are not related. Recently, while he was drunk, he started talking about his children in a way that made me uncomfortable. He said that he provides for them financially and suggested that this is the main responsibility of a parent. From the way he spoke, it sounded like he sees his children more as an obligation than as people who need emotional care and attention. I told him, calmly at first, that in my opinion parenting is not only about money, but also about being emotionally present and speaking to children with respect. He disagreed and said that his son should learn to handle life on his own and that he does not plan to help him much in the future. During the conversation, he said that he sometimes uses a disrespectful nickname when talking to his son, and he also mentioned that his wife often tells him he treats the children poorly. At one point, while still drunk, he said he needed to pick up his daughter from kindergarten, and he could barely stand, which made me very uneasy. Later, another person I live with (30M) told me about a situation they personally witnessed. The man went to a store with his young daughter, who asked for a toy. He refused, saying she already has many toys, which by itself seemed reasonable. However, he then left the store having bought alcohol for himself. After hearing all this and based on our conversation, I told him that I was genuinely concerned about how he treats and talks about his children, and that I thought his attitude could be harmful to them. He took this very personally and became upset. He later said that my words affected him a lot and that he did not sleep afterward. Now I feel unsure about whether I handled this correctly. Given that I am young and not a parent myself, I wonder if it was inappropriate for me to say anything at all, or if I should have stayed out of it entirely. I apologize, English is not my native language.
So, AITA for speaking up about my concerns?
NTA.
You spoke up out of concern, not judgment. You don’t need to be a parent to notice red flags, especially when he was drunk and talking about his kids that way. If it affected him, that’s on him, you were honest and respectful.
NTA but the guy sounds like a prick and I doubt you’re going to be able to change that. He’s likely only seeing the kids to try and reduce whatever money he needs to provide.
Also sounds like he likely has alcohol issues if he’s (driving?) collecting his daughter drunk to then take them to the shop to buy more alcohol? Sounds like a bigger problem than being an arsehole as it could genuinely endanger them.
Um if he’s drinking and driving with a child in the car we’ve moved from “bad parent” to “dangerous parent” and you need to tell someone about it. Anyone know the best way to go about this for OP without OPs roommate becoming a problem to them too since the live with them? CPS? Tell the mother?
The drinking and driving bit is concerning but it sounds like you’re not quite certain that has happened. In the absence of that, YTA. It’s generally bad form to tell other parents how to parent. I call my son “shit bird” behind his back all the time and talk about how annoying he can be while I’m drinking with friends. But that in now way reflects how I actually parent – its just venting and if you had kids yourself you’d understand why we need to do that sometimes.
This is my thought as well. Soft YTA for OP. No 30 something is going to listen to parenting advice from an 18 year old. The drinking and driving is wildly not okay, but sometimes parents vent. Disrespectful nicknames are a weird grey area. I call my son ‘Butt’ a lot, though this year he told me he doesn’t like it so I try to cut back on it. My mom called me ‘Lumpy’ for years and I was neutral about it, though now that I’m an adult I’m not so sure it was endearing half the time.
The part written about going into a store and not buying a toy his daughter wanted, but buying himself alcohol. Not the same. If I go into a department store and my kid wants a toy, but I say no and buy myself a dress – that’s not a parenting fail, that’s shopping with a young one and ensuring they don’t assume they’re getting something every store run.
Yes I think this question will be split by age and whether folks are parents or not.
As for the buying toys – even with booze its ok. My son has 173 toys and I have 0 bottles of whiskey. The math is simple!
Minus the drunk driving YTA. Not your place to get on him about his parenting. You are 18 years old and you are listening to conversations he’s having while he’s drinking which quite frankly is not going to be a nuanced enough conversation for you to really understand how it feels about his children.
NTA. If your words upset him that much, to me that means that he knows he isn’t treating his children right. Because if he truly believed what he said prior to that, than what you said wouldnt upset him
NTA. But having a serious conversation with someone drunk usually doesn’t turn out well.
I’m a daughter of a man who thought his only role as a father was to provide financially. The lack of emotional support really does mess you up. You weren’t wrong in what you said. NTA at all
NTA, but you should be very careful. I would apologize to him – NOT because you did anything wrong, but simply because he’s a drunk, angry person that you live with, and who knows what kind of hell he could unleash on you when provoked. I would try to smooth things over any way you can – again, NOT because you were wrong, but just for your own personal safety.
When it comes to the kids – the next time you see him driving drunk, or doing anything illegal or dangerous around the kids, call the police.
NTA. I say GOOD to the fact he couldn’t sleep because of your powerful words!
ESH. And this isn’t about parenting, your roommate is an alcoholic. Probably why he’s nearly 40 and not living with his kids and their mother.