3 weeks ago my husband’s dog became paralyzed from the neck down.
She had a two day stay in the animal hospital where she remained paralyzed, but she was more lively due to IV fluids, pain meds, and eating again. I was under the impression that if she didn’t have a confident good prognosis, we would have her euthanized rather than bringing her home. My husband freaked out when I tried to talk about it again the night before she was due to be discharged and refused to have her euthanized.
The vet strongly recommended surgery, but the cost for everything was going to be in the tens of thousands of dollars with no guarantee or recovery, so husband decided to bring her home for medical management. The vet said \*IF\* she is going to recover, it would take 4-6 weeks before she could be off bed rest. I don’t think the vet was transparent enough with him how unlikely it would be for her to recover without surgery. Everything online says it’s extremely unlikely (<10%) for a fully paralyzed dog to recover without surgery, even with the best quality medical management and physical therapy (which we aren’t able to provide her ourselves). In the three weeks she has been home, she has shown no progress.
She is a big dog and I am currently pregnant, so I am limited in the ways I can help move her safely and effectively. My husband is gone most of the day at work, so I do what I can while he’s away, but I know it’s not enough. She needs her bladder expressed throughout the day but she also pees on herself a bit throughout the day. Since she can’t move, she poops herself when she has to go. She needs baths often because of this. She has to be flipped over every couple of hours to prevent bed sores. She gets really stressed when other people are over or when she sees my husband playing with our toddler, like she’s jealous that she can’t play like she used to. She whines and whimpers throughout the day. My husband has been sleeping on the couch since he came home to be close to her overnight, otherwise she barks and whines all night.
It is apparent to me she is absolutely miserable living like this, but she is eating and drinking, so I don’t think she will die naturally anytime soon. My husband has been coming home from work and drinking every night to “cope” so talks of euthanizing her have not gone well. I have no problem handling all of the “admin” parts of it so he can just be with her while she passes peacefully, but I cannot get him to agree to it.
I think it’s unfair to force the dog to live like this, and the level of care she needs is not sustainable for us. I cannot be a care taker to a special needs dog while I am taking care of a toddler and soon a newborn, and my husband isn’t home enough to properly take care of her most of the day. The time it takes him to care for her also takes away from him helping the household and family.
Given the situation, would I been wrong to schedule her to be euthanized behind his back?
I mean you would be an asshole for scheduling the euthanasia _behind his back_. But let’s be real here, you’re 1000% in the right that the dog needs to be put down.
Your husband needs to seriously get his shit together. He’s drinking every night to “cope” with a dying dog?? He needs to get a grip. Tell him his behavior and failure to take the action needed here does not reflect well on his prospects as a soon to be father.
Dog needs to go.
I would drink to cope with my dog’s life-threatening condition! She a big part of my life and provides a lot of love for my family, so of course I would be super sad.
But If I wanted to give the dog a chance to recover before euthanizing it, I’d make sure my spouse didn’t have to do much to take care of the dog, so neither of them suffer given the decision I’ve made.
Ultimately, though, I agree with you 110 percent that the dog needs to be put down. It is unkind to let it linger this way when it’s clearly not happy or well looked after now. And they will have less capacity to help the dog as OP’s pregnancy progresses and then they have a newborn around. I mean, think about the logistics of when she’s giving birth alone…
This poor dog. She has zero quality of life. Your husband is being selfish in his grief and denial. He needs to consent though or he will resent you forever. On the flip side I don’t see how you don’t resent him already for his inaction and excessive drinking as a coping mechanism.
Agreed. Can OP schedule the vet to come to the house at a time when both husband and OP are home? Hopefully, the vet can talk some sense into husband and then he’s there for the actual “deed” without any of the mental work required to prepare for taking the dog into the vet’s surgery etc. I suspect that’s the reason he’s being so unreasonable; because he can’t face actually doing it and doesn’t want the responsibility of actually deciding to “kill” his dog, even if that’s in the best interests of said dog.
Oh honey.
You need to know that doing this will end your marriage.
I’d force a conversation, soon. Not about how you’ll cope, but about how miserable she is. Emphasize that a lot.
He’s emotionally tied up here, and he needs to manage his own emotions and put her needs first.
Edit to fix a typo.
Thanks swype
he’s seemingly not ready .. but he’s drinking too, which probably doesn’t help ( numbs necessary grief emotions ) .. seems selfish but everyone processes grief differently .. he’s **likely** in the denial stage
edit :: hopefully he stops drinking and process this properly bc the next grief stage **may be** anger which doesn‘t mix well with alcohol .. and OP’s pregnancy should be as stress-free as possible .. a little awareness of the grief stages would help the couple ( and the dog )
the renewed alcoholism in the last 2 months after 5 years of sobriety is concerning .. certainly would delineate any grief process ( which is indeed flexible ), but there’s something more going on here too
edit 2 :: **bold**
edit 3 :: FYI, I’m not the OP ( based on some replies )
While he’s “not ready” the dog is suffering.
OP should definitely NOT do this while her husband is away, not least of which because the dog will probably be scared without her primary human (assuming the husband) is with her but it needs to happen ASAP, ideally before OP has the baby.
>I’d force a conversation, soon. Not about how you’ll cope, but about how miserable she is. Emphasize that a lot.
Copy that. Denial is part of grief but 3 weeks of ignoring a dogs suffering is inhumane.
Yeah… this is the hardest YWBTA I think I’d ever declare. Like… I get it. I really do. It’s the right decision for OP and for the dog.
But doing it behind the husband’s back when he’s obviously so adamantly against it? It doesn’t matter how well meaning you are… you’d unfortunately be shattering all trust. I agree with OP. The dog should be euthanized. But not without her husband there and not behind his back.
As hard as it is, OP needs to convince her husband that this is the right choice. Let him say his goodbyes and to be there for the passing.
Edit: Also, ESH, kinda? OPs husband is currently the AH. OP would only also be an asshole if she followed through. Man this is a tough one.
YWBTA (soft). The dog sounds utterly miserable and your husband is wallowing in stress, fear and depression. I think you’re a wonderful person for thinking to end the dog’s suffering. However, if you do this, you will shatter his trust completely. If you choose to lie to him, you would have to hold that lie inside of you for the rest of your life, because the second he found out, your marriage would be done.
I recommend scheduling a vet to come to the house to give her a “check up” since she’s not improving, and then letting the vet tell him that his pup will not recover and will live like this, unable to walk, run or play for years until she dies, or gets pneumonia and suffocates. Make sure the vet knows the issue in advance so they know that you are supportive of breaking the news. Then, get your husband to therapy, immediately.
This makes me so angry. Your husband has brought home his sick dog, he spends all day away without any thought whatsoever to her needs, or even your state, lets you take care of her the whole day and when he gets home he starts drinking to cope? With what, he doesn’t do shit for her, he just feels bad for himself.
He would rather let her live miserably than take responsibility and let her pass with some dignity.
Yeah, I got pretty heated reading this too. My beloved dog slowly became paralyzed over time and I also had a hard time letting her go. *I took care of her though*.
If my husband had scheduled something like that behind my back, I..I’m not sure I would have ever forgiven that. *But* I regret not doing it sooner and I have to live with that.
This *isn’t* fair to you or the pup, time to have a *serious* sit-down with your husband.
If you do it will likely be the end of your marriage regardless of how cruel it is to the dog. He’s clearly heavily emotionally invested so you are going to have to be firm with him and tell him he is abusing the dog he claims to love. Make him tell you what part of life is this dog enjoying? How does he expect you do to this all this pregnant with a toddler? He’s an asshole because he’s putting his own selfish needs above the dogs quality of life. I would print out the dog quality of life quiz and go through it with him. He is abusing that dog. Call it what it is. Stop being so soft about it. He’s drinking and abusing his dog while making you deal with the labour of trying to look after children and cleaning up constant mess.
ESH. You would be TA if you euthanize the dog behind your husbands back. Your husband is also an AH for not seeing that his beloved pets quality of life has vanished and she’s just surviving now, not living. He’s a further AH for turning to drinking and refusing to speak to you to plan out a realistic future for how to care for his pet.
You are also being an AH to yourself. What happens when the dog doesn’t get better and you get more pregnant and even more unable to care for the animal? What happens if the baby is born into this mess? Take your other child and remove yourself from this situation. A drunk husband and a medically fragile, dying dog are not a safe place for a pregnant woman, a small child, and a soon to be newborn baby. Let your husband know when he’s ready to stop drinking and start thinking about how to handle this situation that you’ll come back to support him, but you can’t support someone who is actively sabotaging their own mental health and endangering their pregnant partner and unborn child.
He’s only able to keep this situation “functional” in his head because you are enabling it. If you weren’t home to care for the dog he’d be forced to make a decision and that’s exactly what needs to happen.