My (F55) daughter (F29) invited my husband and I to her city/apartment for Christmas. She lives 6 1/2 hours away by car. When she extended the invitation, she told me her partner’s parents were hosting a neighborhood party on Christmas Eve. I am an introvert, and was raised to believe that Christmas Eve is a high holy day meant for church and family. I explicitly told her I didn’t feel comfortable going to the party, and she said that was fine but we would be alone on Xmas Eve. I thought it would be fine since we would still have Christmas together, and accepted her invitation. As we were chatting making plans some time later, she tells me that Christmas dinner is at her partner’s parents house, which was the very first I had heard of this plan. When I questioned her, she said "I told you this already, why are you acting so surprised?" But she didn’t tell me this. And she knows me well enough to know I would struggle with this arrangement. So now I feel trapped, and like she is gaslighting me to get her way. I feel dishonored, and disrespected by the gaslighting. And I don’t really know why she wants us to drive for 6 1/2 hours only to be left alone and dragged along to some strangers (to me at least) house. WIBTA if we went for a visit for the four days leading up to the holiday, and driving home on Xmas Eve to have a quiet, restful celebration with just my husband and I?
I get the feeling that this will be the last invitation you will receive to spend Christmas with your daughter…
Here’s what I’m gonna say:
These may be your future in-laws; your daughter has invited you to meet them, which likely feels like a very big, very important step for her. You can either:
– Establish yourself as a good, fun mom who is game and meet the people who produced your potential child-in-law (who have courteously invited you to their home); or
– Establish yourself as the prude-ish, pouty, problem mom and disappoint your daughter, and then wonder why she slowly stops involving you in her life
It’s your choice.
They’re hardly strangers, they’re your in-laws. Her husband’s/wife’s family is also *her* family now. If you’re all in one place, why not spend it together?
If you don’t want to go, don’t go, cause it sounds like you’ll ruin the vibe, but yeah you’re kinda being antisocial. YTA
You’re NTA for wanting to spend Christmas how you want to. However, your daughter is actively trying to involve you in her life, just because it’s different from your vision doesn’t make it wrong. As long as you don’t get upset when she returns your attitude to you in the future then do you.
YTA your daughter’s life has expanded, her circle of loved ones has grown that doesn’t mean there isn’t still space for you. But if you refuse to grow with her then you’re pushing yourself out. She wants to spend the holidays with the people she loves, and that includes you AND her in-laws. It’s selfish and shocking that a parent would put their own comfort above spending time with their child. You don’t have to go to the big Xmas eve party but I think you’ll survive an evening with the in-laws, put your child’s needs above your own before she stops inviting you all together.
I struggle to call you an AH but if you do this youre probably guaranteeing that youre never gonna see your daughter at Xmas again.
Do you not like her in laws?
NTA for taking the holiday just you and your husband but don’t be surprised if she never again puts in the effort to see you on any holidays now that she knows how little you care about being a part of the life she’s establishing with her new family. If you want them to be and with a little luck those in-laws could easily be your new family too. But you’ll never find out if that’s a possibility and then you’ll act confused that she’s having a happy life without you and, if there are kids in the future, why the other grandma appears to have a better relationship with the kid.
“I don’t really know why she wants us to drive for 6 1/2 hours only to be left alone and dragged along to some strangers (to me at least) house.” because she loves you and thinks you love her and wants you to be a part of her life and a part of her Christmas season. Which I think traditionally involves being around your family and loved ones.
I’m only being so harsh because “I feel dishonoured and disrespectedby the gaslighting” when either you’ve probably just forgotten something she mentioned to you once or she made a mistake and thought she mentioned something to you is buckwild. Making a mistake isn’t gaslighting. Crawl out of your own ass.
Your daughter’s in-laws are her family too. They’re not randos off the street, and if you never take time to get to know them, they will never be anything other than strangers to you.
It is, of course, your choice who you spend time with. If you don’t want to spend time with your daughter, because you feel hurt by her choices, don’t. But don’t accuse her of gaslighting just because she does things differently than you do, and don’t expect her to want to host someone who can’t be bothered to take an interest in the other people in her life.
For now, NAH. If you try to guilt or berate your daughter, then a hard YTA.
If you leave *before Christmas* when you were feasibly supposed to spend the holiday with her, yes, YWTBA. You could also expect to not be spending any more with her any time soon.
It’s a single occasion. You were raised for it to be a high holy day – okay? Was she? Is it really going to be that much of an issue for you to take your time and reflect on your faith the day before or the day after Christmas, if the alternative is to not be with her those days at all?
“Fear not, for I bring you good tidings of great joy” is a meaningless phrase if you rebuke someone you claim to love and refuse to share that joy. The entire *point* is to share love, peace, and goodwill. You’re hardly doing that if you ditch early with zero warning over your own sense of self-righteousness.
NAH, per se, but you’re circling the border of AH Town. Your daughter is trying to include you in her expanded world. You can’t expect that world and her to conform to everything you want. You have to give some as well. I get that’s hard for you, though it sounds less from your description like anxiety and more just set in your ways. You’re also being very self-focused in how you’re viewing it. You expect her to know explicitly everything going on in your head, without telling her. And even if it was a faux pas, your reaction to her was over the top. You can have an honest miscommunication without saying someone is trapping/gaslighting, etc. That’s a little….much. Whether you like it or not, you have a choice. Either stay in your safety zone, or be part of your daughter’s full life. You’re not wrong either way, but 55 isn’t dead. You can continue to grow as a person, especially if it’s for the sake of your daughter.
YTA – You would be with family. her in-laws are her family as well. And i don’t think she is gaslighting you, she could have thought she mentioned it and she really didn’t or she did and you didn’t catch it… This could put a strain on your relationship with your daughter
YWBTA, of course. I empathize with your introvert self, but Christmas — even as a high holiday — is about giving, including most notably giving of yourself. It’s about generosity of spirit and showing people welcome; you care showing the opposite. You are expecting your daughter to pretend she has not expanded her family, you are being rude to your daughter’s in-laws (and by extension to her husband) and you are being selfish, imo, to expect your daughter and her husband to spend Christmas focused on you and no one else. Either go and participate, or find a gracious way to cancel or a believable lie that “explains” why you can’t come. (But really … how embarrassing for your daughter.)
YTA
This is how you stop getting invited to holidays
YTA I’m your age and if there’s anything I’ve learned with Christmas and family is that you have to be a team player and make compromises if seeing family is important to you.
Rather than chalk this up to a misunderstanding, you’re accusing your daughter of gaslighting you. Do you have a poor relationship with her?