Today i got into a HUGE fight with my mom about the plans for today. Yesterday, by best friend, ill call her J, invited me to do a gingerbread making contest with her boyfriend and a mutual friend of ours. J usually doesnt invite me to do things because there have been many times where i say no to hanging out with her because my mom wants to hang out with me and watch tv and craft. She usually assumes i wont want to go. This is not the case, as i really want to be invited, so when i got invited to this event of course i said yes. I then went to tell my mom about my plans and she said that she had reschedules our time to see wicked to the same day my plans with J were. I said that I would really like to do this thing with J and my mom said to pick which one was more important to me. To my autistic brain i understood this as pick which one you want to do more. She later told me she was being sarcastic. I told my mom i thought her love for me was unconditional, and J’s love for me was because if i dont put any effort into our friendship we will drift apart. Thats why i chose to do the thing with J. She says i dont understand the social hierarchy and i was already involved in a plan for that time and i cant do the thing with J. I was confused, because why do all my plans have to go through her to be real but she didnt have to run a plan that involved me through me for it to be real and for me to be committed to it?
For some added context: Im 15 years old turning 16 in a couple months. We originally went to see wicked on opening night but my sister got a migraine so we left early. my mom is the biggest wizard of oz fan out there and she is super excited to see the movie. I dont even really want to go see it in the first place.
NTA – I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Unfortunately at your age, it’s often a struggle to find the balance between being a teenager + gaining independence and being with your family. Any well adjusted parent will understand that socializing is incredibly important at your age and that she won’t have control over your day to day choices forever. If this is something she’s done repeatedly, it definitely seems like it’s with a sit down talk with your mom about establishing boundaries. She cannot realistically expect you to cancel plans just to hang out with her, especially now that you’re getting older and will soon have a life outside of her and your family setting. Quite honestly it sounds like she’s weaponizing your neurodivergence to convince you that you’re in the wrong (misunderstanding social norms) but that’s not the case. Everyone prioritizes different things and relationships- and you are under 0 obligation to prioritize your mother over your friend. Just because she might personally have canceled plans to hang with her mother, doesn’t mean you have to!
To be clear, you had the plans to go to the gingerbread contest before your mom scheduled the movie, correct? If so NTA
INFO: Does your mother involve herself a lot in your daily life? This somewhat sounds like your mom doesn’t want you to spend time with your friends?
If this has gotten to a point where your friend assumes you won’t have time due to “your mom wanting to hang out”, it sounds honestly kinda bad? What about what you want?
NTA. Gingerbread your heart out with your friend. Mom needs to loosen the reins. It’s ok to have friends you want to spend time with.
NTA
your mom is a toxic and controlling AH. Escape when you can.
Because you made the plans with your friends before you were committed to (or even knew of) plans with your family, you are not obligated to change your plans.
If your mom made plans with friends and then you asked her to do something at the same time, she would not be expected to cancel her plans with friends. And you would be expected to reschedule at a time convenient to you both. The same rules apply to your social calendar.
Could you tell your mom what you said here? That most times when they ask you to do something, you decline because of plans with your family, and it is important to you to keep this commitment? You could spin it positively, like now they have an extra ticket and one of mom’s or sister’s friends can come
Edit to add: I just re read your offered explanation. Your mom’s behavior is deplorable. That is toxic, manipulative behavior. You might do some research on living with people with narcissistic personality disorder. She is trying to make your life all about her and make you feel bad to force you to bend to her plans. Please know your instincts were correct and she is being unfair. If she wants you to go so badly she can change her plans to fit your schedule.
NTA. Your mother seriously need to find her own friend group.