I need some help here because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. As I think a lot of parents would agree, the amount of stuff that comes with kids is overwhelming. My husband and I have two kids under the age of 10 and with birthdays and Christmas and other events and holidays we’ve accumulated a lot of stuff. I’ve done my best throughout the years to give things away, pack things away, or throw things out as the kids outgrow them. My husband grew up in a culture that didn’t celebrate Christmas and finds the amount of stuff the kids get to be too much. I do not disagree, both families love to spoil our kids. Every year at Christmas and on birthdays I try to give our families ideas for experiences or things that they actually need. I am explicit every year that we find the amount of stuff overwhelming and what the kids could benefit from most is special time with them. I even put parameters like “please only one gift”. My family and my mom in particular LOVES Christmas, and their love language is definitely gift giving. Every year my husband and I get into a fight because I refuse to take the rules further. He wants me to put my foot down and demand that they follow our rules for gift giving. He doesn’t think I’m being stern enough and even went so far as to say that he’s made his mom cry so she would understand. (She’s much worse than my family- gives them crap every time she sees them). I refuse to go beyond what I’ve already done and also refuse to tell people how to spend their money, especially if it makes them happy and makes my kids happy. So am I the AH for refusing to demand that my family not buy my kids Christmas presents?
NTA
Just continue to weed out old toys. Childhood lasts for a few short years. Let them have all the fun! Let the grandparents spoil them.
This. Involve the kids in donating toys they don’t use any longer. Help them to see that not all kids are as fortunate as they are.
sk for contributions to a college fund.
Youre kinda the AH because you and your husband both agree the kids have to much stuff and that the family gives them to much. He reinforced it to his family and I think you should do the same. Say some like ” I know you guys love giving presents but unfortunately it gets very overwhelming with everyone giving the kids presents so please only give them 1 or 2 gifts and do the rest as experiences so the kids can still have fun and enjoy their gifts”
Oh I definitely do this every birthday and Christmas and even give practical ideas. I just refuse to take it beyond that and forcibly and angrily demand that they don’t give extra gifts or execute full control over what I will “allow” them to gift my kids like he wants me to.
NTA. Your can’t change people, but you can change yourself i.e. expectations. Also, what if you told your Mom and them that you’ll be donating some of the gifts? This may cause them not to be so excessive
I like this approach!
NTA. You can’t control what other people choose to do and you shouldn’t try.
NTA but your husband sure is. He wants to dictate how people show his kids love because it overwhelms *him*? That’s an insanely AH move. I feel so bad for those kids and hope husband realizes the kids are not his property and are actually their own people forming their own relationships with their relatives.
ESH: your family for extravagant gift giving and you for giving them rules but not enforcing it.
Why not tell them they can give whatever they want, but you’ll only keep the things on your list and donate the rest to a charity, or toy drive or something like that.
That way they know what happens to all the extra stuff.
NTA. Does your husband really want to alienate both sides of the family. He made his own mother cry. I’m easily over indulgent but I avoid items on my sister’s no no list and tend to gift food items especially those she considers out of her usual budget but I can find at better prices.
My main gift to the kids this year is going to be an exotic fruit basket, for the oldest its going to be new crafts and refills of kits that has been particularly popular.
I gift with the expectation of the gifts to be eventually passed on. The grandparents recently donated a collection of large fairly immaculate plushies they had gotten second hand for the kids. They donated not to a charity shop but to an actual children’s centre. I’ve given barely used toys to my local food bank after checking with them as kids birthdays are year round.
Nta. You have done your best. It’s hard!
My son was the first grandkid. When he was around 2 they bought him soooooo many gifts. Watching him open them one after the other with no time to appreciate them they saw first hand why giving him a tonne of gifts was a bad idea. I reminded them the year after that maybe just one or two gifts so he can appreciate them would be ideal, and they have stuck to it.
NTA. We put this expectation on our families the year our daughter was born. So thankfully it’s been (mostly) manageable. But sometimes you can’t get people on board. With that said, it’s not up to them what happens to the gifts after they’ve given it. Do what’s best for your family and if that includes not keeping all of it, then that’s your choice.
NTA but I would adopt a rule of x number of toys in x number of toys out. Every year after Christmas make your kids choose toys to donate.