I am at a standstill with my husband on this topic. I cannot ask my friends or family members for advice because my husband says it is a biased opinion.
For the past two years my mother in law picks up our son from daycare on Fridays and keeps him overnight. She has always told us to "assume I am taking him". For the past 6 months it has become a common occurrence on Wednesday or Thursday she will text us that she will not be taking him this weekend. I have expressed to my husband that this is frustrating because we are unable to actually make plans as I do not know for sure that she is taking him until late into the week.
I have asked my husband to speak to her about this a few months now as whenever I confront her with something that regards our child, she dismisses me and will go straight to him anyways. Well I decided to take action on my own accord as he told me to just talk to her myself.
We have a group chat via FB so we are all on the same page as in the past there has been "he said, she said" situations happen often. She had texted on Wednesday that she would not be taking our son for the next two weekends. Which prompted me to address the issue.
I sent the message as follows: "Thank you for letting us know I was actually going to talk to you about that. We appreciate you taking him so much and being able to spend time with him. I would just really appreciate more advance notice so I can plan things..therefore moving forward we are going to assume you are not taking him unless you reach out and say you are..which we would prefer to know at the beginning of the week."
She did not respond or react to the message. Just left me on read. In the past this behavior has lead for me to know she is pissed and disagrees. Instead of coming to me to discuss she will avoid it all together.
3 weeks went by with no contact. Finally my husband calls her to discuss the plans for Christmas as it is a week away. She expresses that my message made her feel as if she is a babysitter and it is unreasonable to let us know by Monday if she is or is not taking him. She would like us to just let her know when we have plans in advance like she does. My husband tried to explain my point of view as of course they were on the phone while he was out shopping and I was at home with our son.
When he came home he told me what she said and I instantly got angry. He said he thought about it and is in agreeance with her as things are going to come up where she cannot take him. I said yes, that is why it would be nice to know in advance when she is definitely taking him, which he rebutted with "that doesn’t give her the opportunity to back out if she has a crappy week at work".
I told him we should just all talk together, although from past incidents it usually leads to him agreeing with her and I am stuck complying.
Am I overreacting? What would be a good compromise?
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Hmm going with ESH here because sounds like bad communications on all sides. You need to flip the narrative around and assume she can’t take him and then ask her to let you know if she can and then if it works for you, then it’s fine.
I thought that’s what she had said to her in her text–that she wants to assume her MIL won’t be taking him and asked MIL let them know with a few days’ notice if she will (but otherwise she’ll assume she isn’t).
Yes, I think YTA. You were on the right track with just assuming she is not taking him unless she tells you otherwise. But saying you need so much advance notice: I can see where it rubbed her the wrong way. Just find a babysitter and schedule them when you want to make plans. Then if your MIL offers to take your son last moment, it’s a bonus and you have a free night. If she offers on a night it doesn’t work for you, just decline.
I think maybe it’s not just making plans for a night off, but also making plans for the kid for the weekend. Like if you’re never sure if your MIL is taking the child, then it makes it harder for you to make plans to do stuff as a family on Friday and Saturday. When my kid was little, I liked to plan museums and other activities for the weekends, sometimes more than a week in advance (things like plays, playdates, etc).
But then, they could just make plans and if she asks to take him later in the week just say no b/c they have plans. As long as she’s cool with being told no, I don’t think that would be a problem.
Exactly. They make their plans as they’d like, and then if MIL wants to take the child, they say no, sorry. We already have plans.
Take it out of her hands and plan your life.
Maybe it will motivate MIL to schedule a regular friday night pick up. Maybe not.
I think this situation is done, and will only lead to more hurt feelings and frustration. Additionally, I would not trust my child overnight with someone who thinks the appropriate way to resolve a disagreement with me is to go no contact, instead of responding to communication. Your MIL sounds pretty immature.
Get a sitter for overnights and general care. Let MIL be grandma, and let your husband handle scheduling her visits. NTA.
All the people who think the OP is at fault should read the whole post. The issue is not Monday versus Wednesday – the issue is the MIL thinking she has more rights to the OP’s child than the OP does. NTA.
Also, OP, you have a real problem with your husband. I recommend couples counseling so he learns how to set boundaries with his mother, and not make you be the bad guy.
Thank you for the feedback. I was expecting harsh criticism from reddit. This situation has made me feel like..am I the crazy one for setting boundaries? I appreciate the validation.
This. If my MIL told me to assume she was taking my kid unless she says otherwise, I’d be putting a stop to that immediately. As the parent, you are asking me if you can take my child for the weekend, and you are waiting for me to say yes before you make any plans. None of this “I’ll let you know if I won’t be taking him.” And 2 days? That is absolutely not enough of a warning. Is OP just supposed to assume she’ll never have her own child for the weekend? Is she supposed to assume she can’t plan anything fun for weekends? OP is the parent. She shouldn’t be working around grandma. Grandma should be working around OP.
For now I am going to go with NAH.
Sounds like poor communication on all fronts is the root of the problem here.
As a parent of four kids, I will tell you that having someone who will take your kid overnight almost every week is a pretty awesome and rare thing, and there is no way I would burn that bridge over a couple days notice when she can’t take him. I would have more understanding if she wasn’t telling you until it was pick up time but it sounds like she is still giving you a couple days notice.
If you want to make plans that involve your kid not being home, then maybe have a back up plan in case she falls through? Otherwise, I think this is probably not the hill to die on.
Thank you for the constructive feedback. Needed to hear this perspective. I definitely appreciate everything she does and did not want to come off as entitled.
I think the best solution is to work on the assumption she *won’t* be taking him and enjoy the break if she does. If there’s specific plans you have in mind communicate them clearly and that you need to know by [x time] so you know if you need to get a babysitter.
Your husband and MIL are BOTH completely without logic. Your solution is the correct one; assume that your son is home unless MIL asks for him to stay overnight. Simple, logical. If your MIL asks after you already have plans, then she cannot have him.