I’m (21F) doing good with my life – I’ve graduated early and passed all of my classes with all A! I’m currently looking for a job right now and I’m excited to start this part of my life. My parents (60M, 51F) are very supportive of me and I’m grateful for that. But they do have financial problems, like my mother is out of a job and my dad is on retirement money. Also, my dad would get lottery tickets and I’m not sure if it’s a gambling addiction. So they asked me for money and I just feel so irritated but I don’t know why because I’m helping out my family. The money comes from my school. My parents always paid me back. But now it’s racking up with how much they owned me. My parents at least owned me $1,000. And it feels like it’s going to be a cycle because my dad paid me half of what he owned me last time.
So now I know the reason I feel frustrated, it’s because of the outrageous ways they had been overprotective of me. Like at 19, I wanted to go to the movie theaters with my friend. Then my dad said I should’ve asked sooner and that it’s Fourth of July weekend. Even though nothing is gonna happen at the movie theaters. I can’t even go to a John Mulaney show because my dad said “it’s not for my age” and I said that I’m over 18 – then he just stared at me. I asked if I can go to a Tyler The Creator concert if I get the $5 tickets over the summer and then he asked if he has security and what if someone going to shoot the crowd. He has these ridiculous excuses of why I can’t be there like that’s where his mind first goes towards.
Now he’s asking me if he can use my school money for $200 so he can pay the phone bills. I just feel like I’m a fucking bank or a slave. I just feel like blowing up in his face about this. But it’s like I should help them out because of their financial struggles.
WIBTA?
You are 21, so it’s time to sit down with both of your parents and have an adult conversation about finances and control of your freedom.
Given that they pay all of her bills, this conversation may not work out in her favor.
It’s a bit complicated, really. What bills do they pay for you, car insurance, phone, grocery bills, health insurance, etc.? I don’t think it’s fair at all for you to even have to ask permission to go to events, and honestly I’d stop asking and start telling unless that would lead you to being kicked out. It might be worth it to sit down and ask if you can take over one or two bills like wifi and phone a month rather than keep loaning money, that way you know what to expect.
They paid for everything for me. I should pay what‘s mine when I get a job. Thank you for this response
esh- you’re not responsible for your parents financial struggles, however if you live with them and they’re struggling to pay bills you benefit from (like phones) it would be worth it to help them. i hate to tell you but you should not expect to see that money back, $1000 may seem a lot right now but it’s money that you will make back in time.
right now i would focus on getting a new job and working on your way to move out on your own. until then, set boundaries. tell them how much you’re willing and able to contribute to bills for the month and tell them you’ll go no further. if your mom is struggling to find a job, do your best to help her search.
they’re adults and know when they need to make hard decisions, like moving to a smaller home or cutting down frivolous expenses. if they’re not making that effort, then they shouldn’t be asking you for money over a prolonged period of time. set your boundaries and keep them firm.
NTA. If your parents need money, your mom can get a job in a store or restaurant.
More Info Needed: Do you live at home, and if you live at home, do you pay rent and help with other bills? Are you on their phone line, and if you are, do you give them money for your phone plan?
It’s absurd in my opinion for your parents to fall behind on their own financial responsibilities and expect you to fulfill the adult responsibilities of paying bills, but then not allow you to use this money to go to concerts or shows? It’s like a double standard. You’re adult enough to make money and “chip in” with finances (although that seems to be an understatement here) but they don’t think you’re adult enough to go to these events that are very clearly appropriate for your age. Not that it should even matter since you’re an adult. Many adults in their twenties are hardcore feeling the pain of still having to live under restrictions placed on them in their teenage years due to living with their parents but not being able to afford to move out quite yet. Which is definitely expected in this economy. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, you’re definitely not the asshole, they are
Hi there. Families are never easy. Explain to your mom AND dad,together, that you don’t have the money to help them, as it’s jeopardising your schooling.
As Judge Judge says, the money should go from older to younger, not the other way around.
My mother took 10K from me,sold things she held “in storage” for me, and then fibbed to my dad about it all. Parents are imperfect humans just like the rest of us.
Telling them you cannot help is important… also, tell them you love them and don’t want anything- especially money- to get between you. But, you need to do well in school as you want to be successful and make them proud. Then do not dip into your school money again. They are adults, and they should be able to find ways to get help without harming you.
>it feels like it’s going to be a cycle because my dad paid me half of what he owned me last time.
There are two hard and fast rules I suggest keeping in mind about loaning money to family.
1 – Don’t loan more money than you can be okay with them never repaying. If they decide not to pay, you may have to treat it like you gave them a gift. Money is not usually worth ending a relationship over.
2 – Don’t loan anyone more money if they haven’t finished paying you back. It’s a huge red flag because asking for another loan makes it seem like they were lying when they promised to pay you back the first time. So why would you believe them the second time? Trusting them, after they’ve already demonstrated you shouldn’t trust them, puts a bigger strain on your relationship. For me, at least, it makes it harder to forgive them when they let you down.
NTA! Stop giving them money. You are enabling them and eventually you could end up with financial problems if you keep giving them money. They made it work before you had any funds, so they could make it work without taking your money. When you do start working, don’t tell them how much you make and make sure they do not have access to your bank accounts and credit cards. If you live at home, you need to move out when you start working.
NTA you can get in trouble for using scholarships/grants/FAFSA/whatever for non school related things. If your parents want to start charging you a set amount for rent I’d find that acceptable. Mine told me, once I graduated high school, if I wanted to stay out past midnight that I had to get a job (I had done odd jobs before like babysitting but I had to get a “real” job). Unfortunately your options are to pay rent in hopes that you get more freedom or move out.
You’re 20 years old. Why do you ask your parents if you can go out at all?!
BTW, you ARE the bank!
NTA