Hi. English is not my first language. Also, this is my first time posting on reddit ever, so i apologize for any grammar or formatting mistakes.
So I (18f) and my bf of 2 months (18m) went to a friend’s (18f) birthday party this past weekend. For context, we all know each other from university as we are in the same group. There were a lot of people at this party, some i knew and some i didn’t, but overall the vibe was kinda strange. We all ended up drinking quite a bit and in the end me and my bf had to go home separately because he had to hurry and i wasn’t feeling well so i decided to stay for a bit to maybe feel better. But i was afraid to be an inconvenience for the friend, whose apartment we were at, so i left pretty quickly.
The next day, as me and my bf were discussing the previous night, he told me that one of the boys from the party told my bf that i ditched him because i didn’t leave with him and apparently “didn’t care about him since i was completely sober and didn’t think to help him get home safely”. As we were discussing it further, the guy sent my bf a couple of voice memos, explaining how i was behaving weirdly at the party, flirting with all the males there (including him) and all that while i was, as he says, completely sober (which i obviously wasn’t).
It’s important to mention that there were more boys there as the subject we’re studying at uni is considered a more male sphere (sound engineering).
To make a long story short, it turned out that all of the people there were weirded out by my behavior and discussed it while i was WITH MY BF in the other room. They all thought that my way of communication with male friends was too touchy-feely and they all think that i was flirting with every boy i’ve spoken to. These rumors escalated so much, that there already are some stories that are completely not true, for example that i asked one boy (that i didn’t know prior to the party) to lay down with me after my bf left, but he turned me down and i left after that.
Me and my bf discussed everything and he believes that i, in fact, didn’t flirt with anyone. We were together for the majority of the party and he didn’t have a problem with my way of communication (which is, to be frank, quite tactile, but again, bf doesn’t have a problem with that). I remember the night quite clearly and i didn’t come onto anyone, didn’t force my tactility on anyone and, of course, didn’t even think of flirting with anyone beside my bf.
We are at a loss of what to do or why this is happening. Prior to the party we all had a pretty close and good relationship, but now i feel like everyone in the friend group thinks i’m a slt. I was sure that all the people, who attended the party, were my friends, they all know me and how i communicate with people, and they wouldn’t start rumors about me behind my back.
So, AITA for relaxing at a birthday party and trying to have a good time with my friends?
NTA. Sounds like a bunch of guys who aren’t used to socializing with women.
Yeah, they smell of incels 🙈
This is hard to judge because we weren’t there and a lot of this depends on what is socially acceptable I your circles and what isnt. Just how “tactile” were you?
Obviously you’re n t a for them spreading lies, like if they said you propositioned someone when you didn’t. But if you’re overly touchy with people and in their personal space you might make them u comfortable and it’s hard to know if you were inappropriately touchy not having seen it.
when i say tactile i mean sitting down close to a person to speak to them (it was a party, so it was quite loud, you had to be close the a person to speak to them). also there was an episode when a boy was helping me walk as i almost tripped, but they saw it as me coming onto him. (it’s weird, that they think that, but didn’t even ask the boy in question why he was touching me)
NTA
Seemed like a perfectly normal party. People generally have the right to be put off with “touchy-feely” personalities, and if they genuinely perceive it as flirting, then it’s reasonable to make the boyfriend aware. However!! All these people know you and are completely making things up and spreading rumors. You and your boyfriend are fine. They’re gossiping just to gossip. A very unfriendly friend group if you ask me.
(P.S. please do not drink and drive)
NTA as someone who is also a girl in a engineering degree, most of the men in my major tend to take any friendly gesture as me flirting with them. so i’m inclined to believe when you say that you weren’t flirting with them/being overly touchy, especially if your bf saw you act that way and thought nothing of it. only exception if if you’re only being touchy feely to the guys, not the girls.
that’s the point, i was more touchy with the girls (the most tactile i was to a boy was a shoulder tap, but i remember laying my head on a girl’s shoulder once (i was sad) )
NTAH. People are just being petty. Don’t let rumors mess with your head.
NTA. Sounds like these “friends” have chosen to make you the “bad guy” for some unknown reason. I’m not totally surprised because a lot of 18 year old teens are very immature (no offense meant to you, you and your bf seem more mature than the others). Personally, I’d probably either call them out on their BS or distance myself. Obviously, the latter may be difficult because you are all studying the same thing and likely have classes together and unavoidable interactions. If you attend another party with these people, maybe drink less and stay closer to your boyfriend. If they try to spread more rumors, you and your BF need to call them out immediately.
Side note, your English is very very good!
NTA. I studied software engineering, so I have had experience in a similar environment as a male. I’d say that those “friends” are stirring the pot to make you and your bf to separate, so they could have a chance with you. Totally unacceptable behaviour.
You really should communicate about this with your bf. And for the future make solid plans with your bf how you are going back from such parties, so that you are not separated. And limit your alcohol consumption, as the environment is not safe for you. Unfortunately blasting this all out in the open may work against you, as you can then be painted as a difficult woman, as many your peers already have negative expectations about you because of these rumours.
This post triggered some feminist anger in me. It seems like your friend group doesn’t see you as your own person anymore. They may have at one point, but now that you’re dating someone in the group, you’re an attachment to the main unit, your boyfriend. I guess if I saw someone’s dog choosing to stay alone at the park and continue having fun, I might also think it was worth gossiping about and reporting to the owner.
NTA. If your boyfriend saw how you were acting and was fine with it while he was there, then I think it’s clear you weren’t flirting. Perhaps the men in the group experienced it as flirting but that doesn’t mean you were in fact flirting.
These boys sound like they have very little real lived experience with women and interacting with women. While not everyone is touchy or comfortable with being in someone’s personal space, plenty of people are. I am a very tactile person myself and if I am comfortable with someone, I will be touchy. I tend to be quite careful about boundaries though for fear of this scenario, of being perceived as looking for more.
The fact that yer man took it on himself to tell your boyfriend and to lie about how sober you are is concerning. I would be very careful about drinking around that cohort again. They are not safe and do not have your best interests at heart.