My (23f) sister (25f) just announced to the family that she’s not going to go to any Christmas celebrations this year.
My family planned Christmas out in late November. Our parents are divorced (they’ve been divorced for several years), so we made sure to schedule which day we would spend with each parent before December even began.
My sister and I have been talking to each other about how excited we were for Christmas, how we would carpool between houses, and how nice it would be to spend time with each other. The two of of have gotten a bit closer to each other this year, and we both agreed we’d get nice gifts for one another.
And then… out of nowhere, she calls everyone up this morning and says she just doesn’t want to deal with the hub-bub Christmas and is just going to stay home alone instead!?
I just dont get it: She doesn’t have to host anything, and both our parents live in the same city as us, so there isn’t even a lot of driving. But she says she would just rather stay home and sleep in and avoid the "stress" of seeing "everyone" (me, my mom, and my dad).
Some more info: we are both uni students. I’m a grad student, and I have a job, so I am working right through the holidays. But– I’ve booked off Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just for family. My sister is still in undergrad, and she doesn’t have a job, so she has a completely free winter break from December 19 – January 12. (So, she gets to "sleep in and avoid the stress" for nearly a whole month.) She knows this is the only time I have off all month!!
I would get it if she had a significant other that she would rather spend time with, but she doesn’t. I’d get it if she planned a last-minute trip to Vegas or something, but she hasn’t. I’d even get it if she planned this further in advance, but she just told us all today!
Now I feel like I’ve been completely abandoned, and honestly, I’m really, REALLY hurt that she’s choosing to spend Christmas alone in her apartment rather than together with family. She knows I low-key balled out on gifts for her, and I feel like I just want to return everything I got for her now. Like- if she can’t even show up for Christmas, why would I buy her so many cute things??? The whole point is to open things together on Christmas morning, and I think I’d just feel weird just dropping a bunch of presents off for her some evening after work. Like– where is the Christmas spirit in that!?
Part of me feels like I’d be a giant asshole for returning all her presents instead of waiting until January to give them to her. Even worse, part of me actually wants her to be hurt by this because she hurt me. But honestly, I just dont even know what else to do? I’m just so disappointed, and also mildly in debt from my holiday shopping, so maybe this is the cathartic and money-wise thing to do?
TLDR: My sister backed out of all our Christmas plans last minute, and now I want to return all her gifts. AITA??
Check in on her. This could be a sign that she needs her sibling to check in on her. Without any other context It sounds like depression.
As a shut-in, I’d like to second this. I hate large gatherings and have been pulling back on things I never wanted to do, but felt obligated. This doesn’t sound like me. This feels sudden and odd.
People who just are a way, continuing to be that way is normal even when the way they are may seem odd. But people changing their behavior suddenly can be a marker of something being off with them.
Like if a socialite tries to throw a party, that’s fine, but if I were to suddenly try to throw a party, call someone cause something is seriously wrong with me.
Talk to her. Tell her you’re bummed, and why. Ask her if she’s ok.
INFO. There’s probably something going on in her life; this is unusual behavior.
YWBTA
Your sister may have a hundred valid reasons she doesn’t want to do Xmas stuff this year that you just don’t know about. One of them would be that she simply doesn’t feel like it.
You wanting to *hurt her intentionally* because she hurt you *unintentionally* makes you the asshole.
You need to grow up and realize not everything is about you and that hurting people when things don’t go how you’d like them to is what psychopaths do.
Is she’s depressed, because thats what this feels like. Or is she struggling financially and just cant face christmas where she can’t give gifts as this seems to be very important to you?
Why dont you call her and talk to her. Find out what’s going on rather than just ditching her presents.
YWBTA is you return gifts instead of communicating. The whole point of Christmas is being with loved ones – not presents.
It sounds like your sister is feeling kind of mentally overwhelmed and stressed at the moment and is clinging onto whatever will give her the most peace and rest.
People who are excited about Christmas don’t suddenly change their minds if they are in a good headspace.
Maybe instead of returning all her gifts, you should check in with her. Make sure she’s okay, and offer to do a low key get together later, or to drop off her gifts on your way to your parents and call her on Christmas Eve..
NAH—She could be suffering burnout from school, she could be having a sudden mental health meltdown, she could be more introverted and be wiped out from all the time spent with people in school and she just needs some time alone to recharge.
None of these things may have been happening when you all planned your holidays out.
But you’re also not an AH for being annoyed at the sudden change in plans—it’s a hard thing to deal with.
Please check in with your sister and see if there’s something deeper going on that she could use some support for. Maybe start with a text message so she doesn’t have to answer right away, but don’t be accusatory or interrogate her. Just ask “is everything going okay with you?” or something
If one of my siblings pulled a sudden 180 like this I’d be pretty worried about them and not really worried about getting revenge. Maybe take a step back and try to have some perspective, it’s understandable that you’re upset but it feels like you’re focusing on the wrong thing.
NAH
You should be asking her if she’s OK. Clearly something’s not right. And yes, YWBTA
Have you checked in so see how shes doing and why she really doesnt want to go?
It’s great that you’re checking in with yourself and seeing how you feel about the situation. But have you checked in with your sister about this? What’s going on with her? How is she feeling? Why did she feel like she needs a break for family? It might be kind of hard to ask these questions if she’s feeling a little reclusive, but if you can get in a place where you guys both feel comfortable to chat about these things then that might be a more productive option. I like the idea of saving the gifts aside for her and then giving them to her later. Maybe after you’ve already talked about this distress. This is just contemplation but, maybe she’s having money problems?
In every relationship, communication is key. Remember this, no one ever owes you an explanation. And you don’t owe them one either. Is it helpful sometimes for people to explain how they feel? Hell yeah! Your sister may just need a break, she may be overwhelmed for other reasons, maybe she does have a partner and she doesn’t want anyone to know about it, maybe she’s experiencing mental distress, etc.
TL;DNR: everyone deserves to feel well, and your sister said she needs a break, so… give it to her. Accept that maybe she’s feeling not great for whatever reason; Appreciate her, love her regardless, and move on. Check in with her and see how she’s feeling. Communication is everything.
Sounds like something is up. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe you could offer to come by and just the two of you can hangout in your pj’s watching Christmas movies after you do the mom & dad visits. Don’t abandon your sister when shes feeling down. If you do YTA.
YTA. The point of buying people things is to make them.hapoy not to make yourself happy watching them open them. That’s just a bonus. Maybe she is depressed and stressed. It’s her Christmas as well and she is free to celebrate it however she wants. You can do what you want with her gifts but it’s not selfish of her to cancel