I booked a private dining room for 6pm and told my cousin’s family the room was booked for 6. My dad got upset. He thinks I should’ve said 5:30pm-6pm, to nudge them to get there early. I disagreed, but eventually I said "okay, I should have said 5:30pm to 6pm" to avoid arguing. And we moved on.
Later, we went for dinner around 5:45pm to hold the room. My cousin’s family got there around 6:20pm due to getting their 5 year old ready. While we were waiting (just my parents and myself), my dad was already angry. I think he got impatient waiting. This didn’t affect the dinner much though as my dad turned back normal after my cousin’s family arrived.
However, after the dinner and we said goodbye to my cousin’s family, he just went into silence with an angry expression. He would not say a word to my mom or me. And only responded minimum when my mom talked to him. From time to time, he’d mumble curse words to himself, sigh loudly and make loud hissing/exhale noises. Now, this is where I usually talk to him, calmly, and defuse the situation.
AITA for choosing not to talk to my dad while I know I can make things better?
Some context if that’s relevant:
1. My dad loves our family, I know that for a fact and I love him too.
2. I live in a different country as my parents. I’m just visiting them.
3. Growing up, I have been the calm one to soothe both my parents since maybe middle school, when they get upset towards each other and myself.
NTA – Honestly, telling people that the thing is at 5:30 so that they’re on time is just appeasing chronically late people. If you had told me it was 5:30, I’d have shown up at 5:30 and had to have waited for half an hour.
Being on time is their responsibility, and it’s your dad’s responsibility to keep a check on how angry he gets about it.
Nta
It’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s moods.
But, it sounds like you kept yourself in an uncomfortable situation for no gain. Do you think he’ll learn from it and change? Not likely. To be able to diffuse situations is a gift. I’m glad that you can do it…but it is your choice.
NTA kind of sad you’ve been soothing your parents since you were a child. Doesn’t say much for them. I’m sure they love you but they should have been the adults in your relationship. And your father needs to stop taking out his annoyance with your cousin on you and your mom. Time for daddy to grow up.
NTA, it’s not your responsibility to curb your dad’s anger. That’s something he needs to work on, and figure out how to calm down on his own. People are sometimes late to things, and that’s on them, it’s not your responsibility either to manage their time. As a chronically late person, I hate when people tell me a different time it feels like they’re mocking me. I’m working on my time management in my own way, and I don’t need mocking, I need understanding.
NTA.
The term for the responsibility you feel for regulating your dad’s emotions is “parentification.”
He wants you to take a parental role in soothing his silly emotions. Don’t do it.
It’s not your job to soothe a grown ass adult who can’t handle someone being late. It was twenty minutes, not two hours. It’s not an appropriate response. He can be annoyed. He can lecture them. But the fact that he was able to be calm and pleasant during the meal means he is *choosing* to be angry and he’s *choosing* to make you and your mother the scapegoats for his anger. I know it seems normal because he’s done it all your life, but it’s not. He likes the attention and likes those around him to bend over backwards to make him feel better. He wants the pity party and for everyone to reinforce how terrible he’s being treated. r/raisedbynarcissists
There is so much judgment of people who run late and so little of people let it turn them into hateful little tyrants.
NTA it’s not your fault your cousins showed up late. Your dad should have handled the booking. I’m not telling adults to come earlier than the set time. I’m also not waiting for them to arrive. I’m ordering as soon as I’m seated. I’m not going to enable bad behavior.
NTA. Your dad is acting like a child.
NTA. It’s not your job to manage your father’s emotions. In fact it only helps to enable these types of reactions.
NTA. I mean, they’re dealing with a 5 year old. It really didn’t matter what time you told them to get there, they probably would have been late no matter what. You didn’t do anything wrong, and your dad should be very well aware of this.
To be acting like this is so immature and childish and stupid. My FIL is like this and I have no patience for it. He’s terrorized his family with his silent treatments and stonewalling for decades, and it’s disgusting.
You don’t need to “diffuse” the situation – you need to call him out on being an asshole.
NTA your dad is an adult, it’s his job to regulate his own emotions. It’s also his job to communicate his feelings and needs. It’s unfair for him to put that work on someone else, especially his child when they were in middle school.
Ignore him. It’s not your job to coddle a grown man. If he wants to feel better and stop being angry then he can put the effort in.
If it helps with the lingering guilt, I always play it as “well if they didn’t ask for help, then how am I supposed to know they wanted me to comfort them. For all I know they prefer to be left alone to sort their feelings out, so it’d be rude of me to assume otherwise and interrupt them. Best to let them make the first move so that I don’t overstep.”
But maybe that only helps me because I am the kind of person who prefers to be left alone to self regulate my emotions so it’s easier to project that onto others.
NTA a tantrum is a tantrum regardless of the age of whoever is throwing one. You don’t have to put bait in your mouth just cause he feels like fishing for a fight.
Oh no your dad was having some BIG feelings!
NTA. He’s a grown man for chrissakes. It’s not your job to soothe him when he’s pouting.