AITA for not wanting my husband to go on a family fishing trip? I (28F) have been married to my husband for 7 years now, we have two kids (ages 1 and 3) and are expecting our third in June. My husbands family has been playing a “boys trip” to Alaska at the end of July to go fishing, and while we will have a newborn, him leaving for a boys trip at early does not actually bother me, I can handle the kids and I want him to have fun.
It go weird for me when his mom presented the fact that she would be going. My husband (33M) only has brothers so it will be his him, his two brothers (who are also married), his mom and his dad going, which I feel essentially makes it a family trip excluding the three wives/in laws. My sister in laws and I all love Alaska and would have loved an invitation, though I would not have been able to go due to the new baby.
All that said, I still wouldn’t be super bothered if my family hadn’t been planning their our trip to Alaska at the end of August that everyone is invited to. I have family in Alaska so I am always excited to go and looking at tickets so I am very excited about this trip, especially since we will get to take our kids. I told my husband if he wants to go AK with his family that’s fine, but it can’t interfere with our family trip as this trip was planned for and is for his whole family, and I don’t know if he can get a whole week in July and a whole week in August. His mom originally said the July trip would just be a long weekend and that it would be fine but when I asked her the dates she said July 25-30 which is essentially a full week.
I’m trying to work out the dates with my husband and his family cause I know he wants to go, but he gets stressed out planning that far in advance and doesn’t want to talk about dates. He also doesn’t think the whole situation with his family trip is weird and so he gets bugged when I get frustrated. But his unwillingness to work with me has gotten me over the top mad about the whole situation. I don’t want to help him make it work given how weird it is if he won’t even sit down and discuss dates with me. AITA for even being mad about the whole situation?
Sounds like you and your husband really need to sit down and sort this out. If you don’t, it sounds like you’ll be having your August trip alone.
Personally, you are being a good sport even considering his 5 day trip when you will have a 1 month old and two other children. No one knows what your recovery needs may be after childbirth, and any needs or your newborn. YANTAH and hubby really should think about his priorities. I am making this comment coming from a wife of a fishing addict as well. He should be planing his trip with the brothers for another year.
u/Burbnbougie
Absolutely nta. I find it really strange that they’re dont think that arrangement is weird. To leave you with a newborn. I understand it not bothering you, I totally encouraged my partner to go out with his boys/family after I had my son. Of course we can always manage. But him not wanting to even talk about dates and plans with you is weird. My in laws would never feel comfortable planning a trip that excluded the wives and kids. It has happened because of work and stuff that one of us cant make it but all family trips always begin with an invite to the whole family.
I’m sorry, what????? You have two kids. And in July you’ll have an infant, and you’re not bothered with him going because you can juggle three kids no problem. And he doesn’t like planning things far in advance, so basically you do all the planning and he just shows up.
So I have to ask. Are you fine managing three kids because you find it easy, or because he’s incompetent and you’ve had to learn how to do everything on your own anyway?
NTA, anger is a normal reaction to frustration, but it doesn’t help you solve the problem.
You’re getting multiple things tangled together, and what will help you is to separate them into ‘important’ and ‘not important’.
\- It’s important for you to go with your husband & kids to AK in August.
\- It’s important for you to be able to talk to your husband about these plans far in advance, because tickets / dates / etc.
\- It’s not important to you what your husband’s family does in July \*except\* how it impacts the August trip. They want to go on something without the inlaws and grandchildren? Meh. It’s not targeted at you, let it go.
Focus on solving the problem. Try sitting with your husband and saying, “I’m sorry I’ve been mad; I got frustrated because I want to figure everything out and move forward. Can we sit down and plan schedules tonight after the kids go to bed?”
If he’s not willing to sit down soon, then develop a proposal and try, “My family is going to AK on X dates. I am going to purchase tickets for that trip.” Then if he can’t come, see if there’s a friend or cousin who could, trading help with child care for the trip. (the friend of course gets some free time, like 4hrs at nap time & evenings…)
I’m sorry you’re having a baby in June and he’s leaving you for a week in July. And your whole family is in Alaska far away and his whole family is going. What!? Wtf!?
I can’t imagine looking after two little ones and a newborn alone for a week. Barring a c-section or something else, he should go and let his mother look after him and his brothers. He may not even want to go on the August trip so his not getting time off for both would be sorted hence his saying it stresses him out planning ahead.
You both can do trips without each other it will be ok.
INFO: What do you think is “weird” specifically?
On the surface, as described, I see parents who want to spend a bit of time specifically with the children they raised. That doesn’t inherently make it cool to exclude spouses, but without some history of exclusionary, manipulative, or otherwise toxic behavior from the parents- which you haven’t mentioned -it doesn’t strike me as especially *weird* either.
Based on that, it’s not surprising to me that he gets stressed out talking to you about dates, because you seem to be aggressively coming at him telling him his family is weird in a bad way, like *sinister*. That’s pretty insulting, honestly.
Like…what do you think is going to happen on this trip, exactly?
>I’m trying to work out the dates with my husband and his family cause I know he wants to go, but he gets stressed out planning that far in advance and doesn’t want to talk about dates.
Have you considered it’s stressing him out more than usual because you’re giving vibes that you think his family is feral because they want to have the OG parents/kids household spend time together? Even if you’re not saying those exact words, the attitude you’re presenting forces him to start out on the defensive, on a discussion that shouldn’t even HAVE an offense or a defense. That IS stressful, it’s exhausting and *not* a productive way to handle conflict.
Look, I have huge side-eye for the guy still because he wants to leave you with a toddler, a baby, and a *newborn* for five days. THAT’S wild. But it feels like you’re coming at this with hostility that’s making it harder to actually resolve the issue.
Quit worrying about whether the trip is “weird” or not. That part doesn’t matter *at all* unless there’s way more history here than you’re talking about. Turn off judge-y mode and focus on whether it’s *plausible* under your household’s circumstances.
This is actually a great perspective, and I don’t think you’re wrong. I definitely have been more hostile because I’m taking things personally and getting frustrated from that perspective. There have been lots of weird things that have happened with the MIL and I do often get upset because I feel like his puts the needs of his mother above my own, but I think I’m mostly getting hostile because I’m offended he cares more about the fishing trip than the trip with his wife and kids. He told me this morning he doesn’t care about the August trip because the fishing trip with be more fun and flying with the kids is miserable (specifically our 1 year old is hard to fly with because he’s so busy). While I am not approaching him in the best way, I think his lack of care for the August trip is really where most of his unwillingness to plan is coming from.
See, this presents an entirely different picture. Now we can see the issue isn’t the trip. It’s that you think he’s prioritizing his “original” immediate family (parents/siblings) over his *current* immediate family (you and the kids). I can’t tell you whether he’s *actually* failed to transition into the family he’s signed up to be responsible for with you, or if you two are just misaligned on what the management and expression of those responsibilities looks like- but either way, that’s something you two need to work out between yourselves.
If you’re able, I would recommend looking into couples’ therapy. If he refuses, at least start individual therapy- not because there’s anything *wrong* with you, to be clear. The frustration you describe is totally understandable given what you feel, and ALL humans sometimes snap or lash out about things that may or may not be what’s really bothering them underneath it all.
But joint and/or individual therapy (if done in good faith with an experienced practitioner) should help you learn to identify those times in the moment, and give you methods to manage them. That won’t mean no hurt feelings ever, but it should offer you (both, hopefully!) tools and language to help get to what you actually want from each other.
Nta but your husband is for not having a conversation to make plan that will help his pregnant wife feel comfortable with him going