My nephew is 12 and we see him maybe once or twice per year. He’s not a particularly nice or polite child, mainly because his parents have never focused on manners or boundaries. We bought him a gift card as a holiday present and were going to give it to him in person. My wife and I hosted a family dinner with 12 people including my nephew and his mother. When he walked in, he didn’t acknowledge either me or my wife. Did not say hello or engage with us once in over three hours of being in my home.
I told myself that I was going to give him the gift card when he finally approached me and said hello. After he left for the night without saying a word to me, the gift card was still on the counter where it had been all evening.
My wife says I’m the AH for punishing the kid when it’s his parents fault for his poor behavior. While I agree with her, I think that 12 years old is mature enough to know that you should at least say hello to your Uncle and Aunt, especially at their house. So AITAH?
EDIT: This was not a party with random people. They were all family members who he knows well and spends time with. His 10-year old cousin was there as well and came in and said hello and gave me a hug. He didn’t spend a minute on his phone or being shy, he was playing with his 3 other cousins at the house.
NTA. He is not a shy little boy he’s 12. Tho I do have a question, did you say hi to him and then he ignored you or did you wait for him to approach you?
Edit after reply: I honestly thought you said hi and then he ignored you and you justed worded poorly, dude greet your guests, he may have just been waiting for you to say hello especially if he’s not super close to you.
YTA. Now, if after giving it to him, he didnt say thank you, then maybe comment lack of manners. But your behaved emotionally immature and petty.
YTA You are the adult. You didn’t even greet your guest. You could have easily done so after speaking with other family members at the same time.
You come across as petty and vindictive. This is a child who barely sees you. Set a better example. You acted like a child here!
ESH
Its basic manners to say hello to the home owner when entering a home.
But I do think it speaks to a deeper problem that the kid was not excited to see you/ interact with you or your wife.
When my niece an nephew were young, they used to run up and greet me no matter where. Happy to see me. Why is this not the case with you?? So yeah ESH
ESH. Nephew should have at least acknowledged your existence, even with a shy wave. His parents should have made sure made sure they and their son greeted you upon arrival and thanked you for your hospitality, even if they didn’t mean a word of it. Ideal time for the aforementioned shy wave. You and your wife should have made an effort to greet your nephew and his parents.
I feel like nephew is just a pawn in a game he doesn’t even know is happening. Be a sport, send the kid a card. Apologize that time got away from you and you didn’t get a chance to slip him his gift. If you legit want to be in this kid’s life, now is your chance. If you don’t, stop blaming him
You know that manners dictate tha YOU are supposed to greet each of your guests, right? Did you greet the kid and he refused to talk to you? Or did you ignore him stubbornly while you waited for a awkward 12 year old to interrupt your adult guests to approach you? …
YTA.
He is a kid and you are an adult. As an adult you could ask how was his birthday? You are acting like a 12 year old.
YTA. I thought you were the adult in the room.
NTA. People excusing a 12 year old for not having basic manners are part of why some kids have issues socializing now. It’s a skill that needs to be practiced and developed, and he’s old enough to know to say “hello” to people.
Plenty of kids have manners and know how to behave. He doesn’t get a pass for poor manners because he’s 12 when 7 year olds can have better social manners than him.
Yes you are
Did you acknowledge him? I mean he’s 12 for Christ sake. He’s a pre teen.
Have you given him the impression you don’t like him??
NTA for not giving the card – you have a right to choose what kind of behaviours you reward in your house, and the boy was not promised a card and it was not given and then taken away, so… if he simply did not receive something he did not even know he would have received, NTA.
However, you are the AH for being upset someone (especially a child) didn’t know what you wanted without you telling them what you want. If your house is a house where greetings are an integral part of getting together, lead by example. Next time he comes, make a fuss. Be enthusiastic in YOUR hello, go give him a hug and tell him how glad you are he came, and do that a few more times, and I am certain he’ll take the it on.
I’m a firm believer that it takes a village to raise a child, and if I want boundaries respected in my house, it is my responsibility to set these boundaries. It usually doesn’t require a lecture and a list of punishments 😀
You are also a WIMP if, instead of talking with your adult sister about her son’s behaviour (which clearly has bugged you for a while), you want to play secret mind games.
God youre even worse behaviour wise than he was, way to show him how to function.
Next time be an actual adult, walk up to him and greet him yourself. You are not the centre of the universe, especially not that of a 12y old.
YTA
I have professional expertise in kids this age. This kind of social engagement can be excruciating for a middle schooler even if he’s known you his whole life. Rather than testing him, you could have seen this as an opportunity to show him love and warmly try to bring him out of his shell.
YTA and you messed this up badly.