My wife and I got married last February. She grew up near Philly and I’ve lived in Philly since college, I’m 25 now. My wife and I recently decided to move to Oregon and plan to move in July. We’ll be between 5-8 hours away from my mom for the first time since I left for college. My mom has met my wife a handful of times and my wife spent a few days with us over Christmas a few years ago, but we didn’t even have a wedding. There hasn’t been a ton of contact, although sometimes they chat casually when my mom calls.
My mom called me yesterday. I mentioned that maybe she and I and my wife could spend a weekend in Portland or something and have a fun vacation together. She seemed excited about this, but also immediately brought up that she wanted to go on weekend getaway with just her (my mom), me, and my sister. It might be that I literally just saw [a short ](https://youtu.be/CKT5xrkYXt0?si=E4-csIOYEIgowidS)about how you shouldn’t exclude your son and daughter in laws from trips, but it kind of bothered me. My wife is my family. I don’t want to go on vacation without her. We would be moving across the country away from my wife’s family and friends. The idea of leaving her alone while I go fuck around with my biological family without her feels really exclusionary and hurtful. My wife isn’t going to have that option, but I understand why my mom would want to hang out with just her kids, but an entire weekend?
It also feels exclusionary because they haven’t spent that much time together. She’s my wife, I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with her, and I’d prefer that my mom want to spend time with her and get to know her, rather than immediately wanting to plan something with just my sister and I. I know it’s different than just spending time with your biological family, but I kind of feel like that’s something a parent just needs to deal with.
I tentatively brought up "well, I have a wife…" and she laughed and said "I have a wife too" but that it would be fun to do something with just my sister and I. I dropped it since I wasn’t prepared for an uncomfortable conversation. I wouldn’t have an issue with my mom wanting to bring her wife with her to a destination vacation, even if I theoretically might prefer to just be with my mom. I feel like if you expect travel, you should expect spouses. Getting lunch is different.
Am I being overly sensitive, or are my feelings valid? My wife wasn’t upset about it until I got upset and then she started thinking about it and realized that it is a little hurtful to not be invited. My wife’s family has never NOT invited me to something even before we got married, even though her mom doesn’t even like me! They understand that I’m thousands of miles away from family and want to be included.
Another thing that might be relevant- my sister isn’t married (but she has a bf) and my mom said my sister might feel like the odd one out. But I don’t see why her bf couldn’t come. She still chose him even if they aren’t married.
You wouldn’t be the asshole,
If you openly explained that you would be uncomfortable and it would be off if you went without your wife and your mother continued to push for it it’s obvious theres some sort of exclusion occurring. Personally, I would never sit at a table where my partner isn’t welcome and especially being married.
Agreed. I skipped my best friends wedding because my boyfriend wasn’t invited🤷♀️
*to clarify, boyfriend of 3 years that she just simply doesn’t like because he isn’t “what she pictured for me”
NTA. It’s way too soon in your married life for you and your wife to be taking separate vacations away from each other. Explain this to you mom; maybe (and this is MAYBE) in a few years, you and your wife might consider taking separate visits to your respective biological families. But now, especially so soon after getting married and immediately upon moving across the country is way too soon.
So just because you get married you can’t leave your spouse?
I definitely took a girls trip to the beach after getting married. If you trust your spouse, it shouldn’t be an issue.
NAH
You and your mom feel differently. That one last trip/ holiday with just the three of you, that’s your mom recognizing that her babies aren’t babies and she just wants to be with the two of you one last time before you start having babies.
So call her and ask her about her feelings behind the idea, instead of jumping to the worst conclusion about your mom.
NTA. You’ve entered a new stage in your life, one that your wife is part of. Still your mum has the right to invite whom she wants. And you’re allowed to decline.
NTA. My vote would be NAH, but it sounds like you expressed to your mom you weren’t comfortable with that idea and she still pushed it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se with taking a trip without one’s partner, my husband and I both have. BUT both our families have always made it clear we are both always welcome for any visit/trip. I would be a little hurt about being specifically excluded.
But it isn’t wife specifically excluded it is just partners generally.
Moms wife/spouse is also “excluded” and not going on the trip so it is not just OPs wife.
Idk I think saying we want a boys trip, girls trip, friends trip, aka no partners/spouses allowed is not really being excluded. It would be different if everyone’s spouse/partner were allowed but one person’s that is exclusion.
I’ve been on friend trips where everyone brings their spouse, and others where it’s just the original/core friend group they are different trips the vibes are different, both fun but different.
NAH. This is probably not the right time, but after things have settled it’s perfectly normal to take a little bio family trip. As long as she’s not excluded in other ways, of course.
Simply talk this out with your wife. She may be fine staying home (I would be). And if she wants to go, tell your Mom that you are a package deal and will both be going.
Communication is key and establishing family boundaries now, will save you years of stress and conflict going forward. Also, by the time you have kids, boundaries will be solidified.
You have a great attitude about this. Your wife’s wishes come before your Mom’s now.
NTA. This is the time to reinforce to your mom that your wife and you are a package deal. This could potentially be a negative in your marriage, and you will not want to in a place to have to choose between your mom and your wife. Anything other than “both”, and somebody loses. Nip this in the bud.
NAH. It seems like she’s very welcoming of your wife but there is also nothing wrong with spending time with your mom without your wife around. What did your wife think?