This got to be a long post, I apologize.
My boyfriend always has his headphones in. We live together and day and night he is with his earbuds and listening to something.
This morning we were going to the gym (we are walking there) and I saw he has one earbud in, listening to a podcast. I asked him nicely "can you please take out your earbuds while we are walking together, it makes me feel disrespected and like the podcast is more important than me."
He rolled his eyes and took them off.
All good and well, until after the gym when we are going grocery-shopping. I tell him that I hurt because of period cramps, he nods. I didn’t notice until we reach the self-scan cashier but he had one earbud in again. I ask him if he is listening to something and he said he is, to a podcast.
I tell him that I feel disrespected again and if he could remove it.
He puffs and says I didn’t even help him with putting groceries in the bags. I apologize, he continues to say I don’t appreciate anything that he does for me, that he feels betrayed and that he did all that he could since the start of the year to make me happy, and I still find something to complain about.
Mind you, this is not the first time I tell him about this one same thing that bothers me. He wears them when we are having lunch or dinner at the same table, and when we’re cuddling he still has one headphone in, listening to something. I mentioned this to him before and that it is important to me, because when he does it I feel like I get only half of his attention.
I am extremely tired of this argument we’re having.
I went home and tried to find other people’s opinions about this habbit: reading whether it’s a stim, or a way to maintain focus, or a disability he has that I might not understand. You know, try to meet him at his level, maybe I’m missing something.
He tells me he does it because he wants to, not because he needs to. And that we were grocery shopping so it wasn’t a high level of importance activity to him.
I say okay I understand, can we have a compromise: what if I accept that having a headphone in while walking and grocery shopping *together with me*, and instead you stop wearing them when we are eating together or cuddling?
He said okay, we can do that, and I will spend more time outside the house then.
I tell him, that’s not what I am asking, and I beg him for some empathy and leave his ego aside for a moment, and truly listen.
We kept going in circles over this, him being more petty and me eventually crying.
I can’t do this anymore, I am tired, it’s like he purposely wants to annoy me now. He only seem to like my presence when I don’t bring up anything, or talk at all.
What do you think? Is it a reasonable ask or am I being out of line?
You are only getting half his attention. Fuck that dude. NTA He really chooses to not be with you when he’s with you. IDK fuck him.
Doing all he can since the new year to make you happy? Girl…. The new year was two days ago. If he can’t go two days being a decent person I think you already know what years will be.
NTA I love Podcasts, but during our marriage i only listened to them when my (now ex) husband wasnt around. Because we talked to each other when he was there.
During me time, I listened and he did his stuff.
But your boyfriend is never ever with you completly.
Was that during the relationship, ist this something new with the Headphones? Its really rude behaviour
NTA. But girl.. that man doesn’t LIKE you
NTA
First, it seems like what you are getting out of it is a lot of hassle and negativity and not very much quality interaction. What you are asking is reasonable.
Second, he seems to not really see what you are concerned about which suggests that you might not be compatible as he cannot take your concerns seriously.
Third, seems like he could have some sensory or ND thing happening. Has he shown any interest in exploring why he needs to have a headphone in most of the time even when doing activities with his partner?
I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and he is AuDHD, recent diagnosis, it’s made total sense of why certain things happened over the years. In some ways it’s enabled us to retrospectively diagnose certain minor communication issues we had experienced way back. But just knowing this still doesn’t stop either person, usually me, tripping up occasionally. It can even be funny when you use a different lens. So long as there is respect and love you can handle these things.
Hello,
Leave him, you won’t be happy with him
Yeah no. Women are not going into 2026 with men that don’t even like them.
NTA.
He doesn’t want to be fully present then you can not be present at all. Dump him. Life is too short to be with people like that.
Why are with someone who’d rather listen to podcasts than listen to you? Seems insulting to me.
It’s just another form of “phubbing” anyone would be annoyed by it. Do you phub him ever? Like with your phone while he is trying to talk to you? Does he get annoyed? Becuase he can’t get annoyed at it if he does this to you all this time.
I think an important question to ask is WHY he feels the need to do it all the time. Like most people who have to distract themselves with music or phone or whatever all the time, its usually becasue they are subconsciously afraid of their own thoughts and what happens when they are left to just think without any form of stimulation to distract themselves.
When he says he doesn’t need to, that he wants to, he sounds like an addict that hasn’t realised his addiction yet.
If it were just music that would be one thing. But podcasts require a lot of attention, which of course takes attention away from you. You want presence, he isn’t giving it to you.
NTA
NTA but leave him in the dust, he is not worth your time and effort.
Tell me, do you complain a lot? Nag a lot? Because if you do the it makes sense he keeps listening to something else rather than listening to you complaining constantly
Lack of communication and focusing arguments as you vs him. (You’re both doing it)
Unless you two find a better way to talk to each the this relationship is doomed and will not make it
NTA it’s rude as hell to wear earbuds all the time around you(unless he is ND) but him attacking your expression of displeasure about it is more troubling. I suspect that this isn’t the only subject that he plays the victim about, rather than accept responsibility and apologize. Furthermore, I understand why you have posted your question here. Unless you really are a negative person that isn’t happy about anything, you’re slowly lowering your expectations of your partner because they attack you and dismiss your feelings whenever you complain. Regardless of what anyone tells you, complaining is a perfectly normal thing to do when you aren’t being heard, respected, or treated well. More than likely, it will not get better and you will slowly lose yourself while lowering your expectations. You deserve better!