I have two daughters, Mary (fake name) is 16 and Lucy (fake name) is 12. Both of them are very girly and often get annoyed because there’s no foundation or concealer that really works for them. They’re easily some of the palest kids in school. Mary decided that she was going to make a New Year’s resolution to do something nice with Lucy every week of 2026, and this was the first thing they did. My husband (their father) saw and he’s livid that I let them do that without checking with him, but honestly I think the girls should be able to do what they want, especially Mary at her age. AITA?
My take is that until the kids are 18, it really should be a joint decision for both parents on things like this.
The girls didn’t even really ask me for permission, they just called me on the drive over and told me what they were doing
At 12, kids are still growing and figuring out who they are. Encouraging natural self-acceptance is healthier than reinforcing the idea that a “tan” equals beauty.
Spray tans for special occasions might be ok, but making them a regular thing could unintentionally teach unhealthy body image habits.
NAH. On one hand, I agree with you that since a spray tan isn’t permanent it’s not a huge deal. But I also understand him just wanting to be in the know. Not that you necessarily need to get permission, but like I think about it the same way as if they were dying their hair or something. It’s just good for both parents to be on the same page about it and communicate. I don’t think either of you are necessarily an AH, but I think you both could communicate better.
NTA
But you are still a parent and just allowing the kids to do whatever they want is running the risk of them completely disregarding you as time goes on. Spray tan usually looks ridiculous unless there’s lots of preparation beforehand and upkeep afterwards, it’s absolutely going to be ridiculous as it fades. Maybe take the girls out to find a makeup brand that will suit their skin tone, have a make over with a professional and encourage them to embrace their paler skin and look after it properly as they grow.
According to Mary both the girls exfoliated and did all the prep before going, but they still look vaguely orange. I’ve tried finding makeup brands for them but there’s literally nothing that works, it’s always too dark or not the right undertone and with concealer it’s too pale to actually cover anything
It can takes weeks or months to prep for a proper spray tan, depends on your skin, climate etc. Look up paler celebs and what kind of make up brands they use. You definitely need to consult a professional about getting them what they need. They will only grow to hate who they are if they believe the only way to deal with their skin is to cover it up, and they won’t thank you as they get older and see how orange they look.
NTA, imo a spray tan is not that big of a deal. I started wearing makeup when I was in middle school and I’m glad that I had time to play around with it and figure out what worked for me before I got older. If it was something more permanent I would understand needing to run it by your parents first, but if they’re using their own money and going on their own it doesn’t seem like too big of an issue. If the spray tan looks bad, then they’ll learn their lesson on their own and figure out what works for them. I definitely had some terrible makeup looks before I really learned what looked good on me. Experimenting with your looks is part of being a teenager and I don’t think it’s a big deal to play around with your own appearance; it’s not affecting anyone but themselves. Again, if it was something more extreme I would say it was an issue but a spray tan seems quite minor to me. Saying all this, I also think you should definitely have a chat about body image and insecurities just to check in. I think it would be worth it to have a conversation about why they feel the need to tan in the first place. It’s not uncommon for teenagers to care a lot about their looks but some kind of conversation where you and your husband show them support and openly talk to them could mean a lot at their ages. I wore makeup as a pre-teen and teenager, but my mom made sure to remind me that my appearance wasn’t the most important thing about me and that I shouldn’t fixate on it too much, and now I don’t think my relationship with makeup is unhealthy, and I feel fine going out with or without it. You could probably also go to a makeup store and get them properly shade matched if you haven’t done so already, and maybe they’ll be able to find makeup that works better for them. Maybe even try some Asian makeup brands since they tend to have broader ranges of paler tones.
Hm, I think you’re NTA here but I believe you made a faux pas.
Mary is 16 and of course, as a teenager girl, she’s going to go through phases and social pressure to look and behave a certain way or another, you know, the works.
You give the impression that your daughters are very close and I think that speaks volumes about the quality of your parenting. But this also means that Lucy will look up and want to follow and imitate Mary, even though she might be too young to be involved with or do some things that the older sister thinks are ok.
Perhaps you could have a talk with Mary about this, try to explain to her that her sister is still only a child and some activities are not yet appropriate to do together. They told you they were going so it’s not like they’re hiding from you, which I will take as evidence you have a healthy and open relationship with your daughters.
Probably your husband does have a point in being miffed at not being told, but I said \*miffed\*, if he’s livid, well, tell him to chill out a sec, nobody’s perfect and it’s kind of a minor thing anyway.
If they are worried about being pale, tell them that once upon a time being tan meant being a peasant and high class women went to lengths to be as pale as possible, lol.
Let kids be kids. They grow up way too fast. Makeup since 9 years old—that’s insane.
Maybe TA. Girls have everyone from creepy old men to religious zealots to media to their peers telling them what they should wear and what they should look like. Men can never understand what this feels like. Situations like this need to be handled with sensitivity as a girl can have her self-worth, self-confidence, and future sexuality affected by a mishandling of a situation like this in get formative years. It needs to be reinforced constantly how beautiful they are without cosmetics or revealing clothes, and how beauty really comes from the inside and from being happy. So, whether you and/or your husband are TAs depends on your individual motives in allowing/not allowing your daughters to make such choices.
I think your energies would be better spent teaching them how to be confident in their own skin, teaching them that there’s nothing wrong with being fair.
Also, what might be appropriate for the 16 year old is likely not yet appropriate for the 12 year old.
Finally, your husband is also a parent. You need to consult with him.
YTA, overall.
NTA for the spray tans (they’re not permanent). A little TA for not talking with your husband. He’s their parent too. Also, and people probably won’t agree, until they’re 18 they aren’t really at the “do whatever they want” age. They are still kids.
Kudos to you for raising a 16 year old that made a resolution to do a weekly bonding experience with her 12 yo sister.
I doubt you thought this was something that would bother your husband so NTA. But, now that you know the two of you should talk more about this kind of stuff, your personal limits and maybe why you have those limits and if they are fair. The, have age appropriate discussions with the girls.