For starters I’m a parent that typically drops everything for my kiddos. A semi close friend of mine lot her boyfriend in an accident. I’ve met the guy twice in three years so I wasn’t close to him per se but I’ve known her for 5 years now. I of course told her that I’d be at the service to support her. Little did I know that my daughter’s softball team was invited to a prestigious tournament. My daughter begged me to go, and I wanted to try to do both but they are almost 6 hours away from each other geographically. I ended up going to my daughter’s game. My friend is obviously hurt because she feels I chose something less important in the grand scheme of life, but to me being present and supportive for my kids is most important in life. Did my decision make me the asshole??
Would suggest more context needed, eg how old is your daughter, what is a “prestigious softball tournament” really, what does “semi close” friend mean?
If this is genuinely a pretty close friend then I’d say the bar for pulling out of attending their boyfriend’s funeral having said you’d attend is pretty high.
YTA
You missed an opportunity to show your daughter how to support friends in their time of greatest need.
You are not much of a friend and not doing a great job as a mom either by letting your daughter know that a sports game is more important than a funeral.
Didn’t even need to read the post, yes YTA.
YTA
It’s s not about how well you knew her bf, it’s about supporting your friend in one of the worst moments of her life.
You may be a ‘drop everything for your kids’ parent, but you’re an awful friend. Your daughter won’t likely remember your presence at this one of many games, but your friend will never forget how you let her down in her time of need.
YTA. You let your friend down. Your daughter will have plenty of sports events and sometimes more important things can coincide with those dates especially if you have other kids. Learning that sometimes a bigger situation takes precedent is an important life lesson. You said it yourself, you chose the less important event and a better parent would have been able to explain why this was not a reasonable choice to their child.
Maybe you could still go to the friend and support her.
Sorry but YTA. Kids should be taught that some things that come up in life are going to take precedent over others. I wouldn’t expect that friend to count you as a friend any more, with good reason.
The universe threw you a terrible choice. I don’t think any movie about prioritizing one’s kids over oneself ever depicted *this.*
You wouldn’t have been TAH no matter what choice you made. Had you explained to your daughter that a friend’s loved one just *died* and she was in a very bad place, your daughter would eventually have forgiven you, when she was older. With the choice you actually made, considering the importance of this event in your daughter’s formative years, your semi-close friend will eventually forgive you, when she has kids of her own.
Well as long as you don’t get upset if one of your loved ones dies and your friend chooses to go to their love one’s fun event instead of the funeral that they originally agreed to attend and provide support at.
This is a NAH situation. Two people important to the op have valid, competing needs, and ultimately, op’s priority should be her child.
Grief for the friend is going to be long term process, and unfortunately, other people cannot put their lives on pause to assist.
Op should have told her friend earlier that there was a conflicting event and not flaked, that I agree with other commenters on.
Ultimately, mom’s being pulled in two different directions. In the end, she ultimately chose to keep word to her kid, but it seems to weigh heavy on her that meant that she had to break her word to her friend.
There’s no good choice. Only a really difficult one in the situation.
Mom needs to send a incredibly heartfelt apology for not being there.
“I want to sincerely apologize for not being at the service. I know I told you I’d be there, and I feel terrible that I let you down during such a devastating time.
I felt completely torn between a promise to my daughter and my commitment to you. I made a tough call as a parent, but I realize that as a friend, I failed to support you when you needed support the most. I value our five-year friendship so much, and I hate that my choice made you feel like you aren’t a priority..
I truly do want to be there for you while continue to navigate this unfortunate period. Can I bring you dinner or just come over and sit with you for a bit one day this week?”
If friend doesn’t want to engage, I’d understand, too. It’s just a sucky position.
YTA
Your daughter will probably have many more games. You should have supported your friend instead. It’s not about how many times you met him it’s about being there for a friend who need to feel loved probably more than anything right now.
I wouldn’t consider you as a friend after that.
YTA.you are no friend to her.
INFO: What’s the timeline? When did you originally know about your daughter’s tournament in relation to the funeral, and when did you agree to going to the funeral? Did you give a heads up that you actually weren’t going to make it?
I think YTA since you agreed to go to the funeral and then didn’t go. I’m also having trouble imagining this softball tournament is more important than being there for a friend in a time of grief when considering the grand scheme of things.
Regardless of other factors, you made a commitment and then didn’t show up, which, unless there was a major emergency, makes you TA.
NTA kids always come first.