30M, married to my husband (32M) for 4 years, together 10, and we have a 2 year old son via surrogate who we love more than anything. Our relationship is usually great, but things have been extremely tense since last weekend.
Before our son was born, we \*mutually\* agreed that no one besides the two of us would change his diapers, clothes, or bathe him. This boundary is especially important to me because I was abused as a child. I wasn’t accusing anyone in our lives of anything, and I’m still not, it’s simply a safety preference I’ve been very clear about. I thought this was something we firmly agreed on.
Despite this my husband has repeatedly broken this agreement multiple times since our son was born. When our son was around 6 months old I found out he’d been casually letting friends change our son’s diapers. I was very upset, explained why, and he apologized but the pattern continued. Over the past two years I’ve learned multiple times that he’s allowed friends (who’s he’s barley known for long and some I barely know or haven’t met period) to change or dress our son, or straight up leaving him alone with them for 30–60 minutes to run errands without telling me. This really, really upset me. I’ve repeatedly asked him to call me instead since I make my own work hours. He hasn’t stopped.
This brings me to last weekend. We planned a date night Sunday and had a trusted friend (who I’m gonna call Dan) babysit. Dan asked to bring his new girlfriend (I’ll call rose). She’s a new girlfriend of his after his wife passed a few years ago and we’ve only met her once but I trust Dan (I’ve known him over a decade and he’s raised 5 kids himself) so I agreed because she seemed like typical a nice older woman.
Dan and Rose arrived about an hour before I got home while my husband was still getting ready. I guess this is what occurred when I wasn’t there:
Rose asked when we were leaving and my husband said he had to finish getting ready and give our son a bath firs before I got home. Apparently Rose offered to bathe our son so my husband could finish getting ready and my husband agreed. I didn’t find out until dinner when I asked if my husband gave our son a bath or if I needed to do that in the morning before I left for work. Instead he told me Rose had given our son a bath while he got ready.
I was immediately mad. We don’t allow anyone, not even very close friends, to bathe our son. Ever. And this was someone we’d met ONCE. It felt like a complete disregard for our agreement and for my repeatedly stated boundary. My husband said it ‘wasn’t a big deal’ and I was overreacting
I immediately ended the date 3 hours early and we drove home in silence. When I tried to talk about it the next day he accused me of being dramatic, paranoid, and treating everyone like predators. We’ve been fighting all week and now he’s calling me a ‘paranoid assh\*le with trust issues’
Yes I’m protective but I have reasons and this was a boundary we both agreed to.
So AITAH?
EDIT: Who changes him when you’re gone?: [response](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/UH0BE1ARbk)
You had an agreement and he broke it several times. Then why even agree to it in the first place? I think that you overreacted but that is irrelevant.
This. For me, the pattern of behaviour is more worrying than the specific conflict.
OP’s husband agreed to something and then later changed his mind. Okay, that happens sometimes. You just talk through your disagreement honestly as a couple, and decide together how you might compromise, or if there’s any information/expert advice that might help you resolve the disagreement…
Except he didn’t come talk to OP about his disagreement openly and honestly.
He went behind his back, did his own thing, and every time he was caught (until the last time) said “Yeah, sure, I’ll keep to our agreement next time”…and didn’t. And while this last time he was open in his disagreement, it still wasn’t a productive discussion because he escalated to flat-out invalidating OP’s life experience and downplaying his right to be concerned.
He’s deceptive and doesn’t feel a need to keep his promises to OP.
He invalidates OP and cuts him out of parenting decisions.
He fundamentally doesn’t act like he and OP are a team.
Ultimately, if you can’t trust him to be honest about the way you parent the child you share, then what else is he willing to lie to you about?
I wonder if OP has figured out yet that *any* promise their husband makes is worthless – if it’s convenient or pleasant for him to break it he will.
He is a shameless, egotistical liar and that sort doesn’t change. ☹️
NTA. Sadly unless you divorce him and he gets ZERO custody, or you glue yourself to your son, your husband will continue to allow strangers to change and bathe your son. I don’t understand why people agree to rules and then immediately and frequently break them.
NTA, but I’m really concerned about you. Have you been to therapy to help you work through the abuse you suffered as a child? While your requests are understandable based on your personal trauma, they are very overprotective and will likely continue to cause division in your marriage.
NTA. As a victim of abuse myself, I understand what you are going through. Unfortunately, your husband does not understand. Perhaps this is something that can be talked out in couples therapy since the current agreement is not working.
Please stop saying we. Your husband doesn’t care about your triggers or boundaries. He agrees/apologizes to shut you up and do what he wants.
It’s not about the bathing.
Your husband doesn’t respect you.. doesn’t respect your boundaries..and doesn’t respect your parenting style.
Doesn’t matter what you agreed to 2 years ago.. he doesn’t respect it.
NtA
The bathing by a stranger is wild to me.
NTA.
I think you have some trauma. However, if I were babysitting a child i did not know personally, family or whatever, if that child asked for a bath i would tell them to wait til mom or dad got home.
Sorry cut back to the part where he is leaving the child with people you have never met or he hasn’t known very long to run errands? I’m sorry wtf? WTF. No fucking way. Also the bathing – not a chance.
Simple, don’t go out for date nights I’ve read comments and replies 10-15 mins away is still too long for your son to be left in either a blowout or sick. So unless you have folk you wholeheartedly trust to look after your son and that includes bathing, changing nappy and changing clothes don’t go out. Or arrange with your parents the next time they are in town if they would watch him and then you can go on date night. With the boundaries currently set you can’t have your pie and eat it.
Also your husband shouldn’t have agreed boundaries and then gone against them so he’s AH for that. But I am curious to hear his side of events.
NTA.
Firstly, I think your mutual agreement not to let anyone else bathe or change your son was not reasonable/sustainable. If only the two of you can bathe or change your child’s diaper, how are you supposed to every have a break or spend any time alone together? Not being able to have any sort of break together would drive most parents crazy. A reasonable compromise (and what I imagine most couples do) would be making a short list of trusted people who are allowed to change and bathe your son.
However- this was a promise your husband made to you- if he disagreed, he should have never made the agreement in the first place, or discussed it with you when it became a problem. Going behind your back with an issue as serious as this is unacceptable. It is also quite damning that not only was he going behind your back, he was going behind your back in a completely laissez-faire way with zero regard for safety- if it had been an in-law, or an extremely close friend, that’s still not great, but I kind of get it- but leaving your son with a long list of new friends and partners, without your knowledge, is unacceptable. I think plenty of parents even with zero history of abuse would be extremely uncomfortable with the idea of someone’s new SO bathing their child. It’s not in your head that this is unsafe and weird.
Nta, and at this point I would just ask him “why do you want our son to be rpd as a child?”
Is it because you dont believe it happened to me? Or because thats what you want?”