So I live in a collage apartment with 3 different roommates. I’ll call them A, B and C. A and B I have known since freshmen year and we have always been close. Roommate C is someone who was just added in because we had an open space.
A is paying out of pocket for college and just doesn’t have the money for food period. They can buy stuff at the start of the semester but after that it rarely happens again. But the food pantry we have is large and available to them. B does have a meal plan with the school but it’s not super great as it’s mostly for our crappy dining hall. So they only get food when their family comes up to visit. I have a meal plan as well as 50 dollars for food given to me from my mother for food. Meaning most of the buy, bringing in and cooking is on me. I love cooking so I don’t mind. But I’m also the only one buying household essentials and even specialty items that the other two want.
All I ask is that someone does the dishes after I have cooked for A and B. But these dishes will get left for 2 to 3 days if not more. Normally I have asked if someone hasn’t cooked for the group that we all just wash our own dishes (fair right?). Nope. I clean mine always right away or at the most a day after but theirs will stay there for 2 or 3+ until I get upset about it. Additionally the trash also faces this problem. I took it out on my own many times and got sick of being the only one. I would still have to text over and over for it to get done. I would even tie it up for them before they would go out so they could grab it easily and they would “forget” (even though it RIGHT next to the door). Lastly the trash they leave all over. Plates, cups, trash, personal items all over. The kitchen counters, the stove top, the living room all never get picked up until again I have to say something because I am sick of doing it.
Additionally, even when ordering food or going out to restaurants I would rarely get invited. Unless the needed my car and it’s just plain rude!
So after this kept happening I was over it, I stopped buying things for them. The money is mine given to me for myself and I was being nice by getting some additionally items for them. Even roommate C hate the state of the apartment and is even moving out over it. I feel bad they are my friends but still.
Am I the asshole??
Edit: thank you for all the suggestions. Sadly, moving out with C is absolutely not an option. As much as we are compatible, she has her own list of problems and a toxic relationship.
NTA, but you might have better results if you explain the situation to them (i.e. you’re sick of cooking for them AND having to clean up afterwards so you’re not going to share your food with them anymore). Passive-aggressively not restocking the pantry might just make them feel entitled and angry. But having lived through this with my own roommate (she would leave dishes in the sink for days at a time and now we have roaches) it might be easier to just move out and find a place with C.
NTA
Sucks to learn this lesson.
You are not their parent or their maid! YOu’ve been handling financial and physical load and buying foof,cooking,cleaning and covering houshold essentials while they don’t even meet you halfway with basic chores!!!!! If they want shared food, and spaces, they need to contribute and respect you. Friendship is looking for each others back not being taken advantage of.
Are they friends when they intentionally and consistently exclude you when they go out? Or do they put up with you because they take advantage of you?
Maybe it’s time to let them fend for themselves and you and C find a place together since you’re seemingly more compatible with cleaning and co living expectations.
NTA.
Your only responsibility it’s YOU. You have asked for help, they replied with “forgetting” or leaving a mess for days.
If you can tolerate it, keep cleaning up only after yourself. See how bad it gets. If they eventually do something. I know you probably have a heart and don’t want “anyone to go without” but they are clearly using you. If they can go out and eat, they can buy food for the house. Maybe for Christmas they should’ve asked for grocery store gift cards. 😂
Honestly, are these people even your friends? How can you live in “filth” I sleep and live so much better when dishes are done, trash is out..etc. good luck. But definitely NTA.
You “roommates” think you’re their surrogate parent.
Especially with free use of the car and buying them specialty items! You made life too easy for them, they don’t realise they’re supposed to be grown-ups now and that includes responsibility.
If they have had money for take-out and restaurants, they have enough money to buy basic food, learn to cook, and clean up after themselves.
If you have any favourite things in the kitchen move them to your room, ’cause guaranteed they won’t be cleaning on time during their adjustment period and you will still be cooking for yourself.
NTA – firstly, I don’t want to dismiss poverty, but food is a basic requirement for life and your roommates absolutely need to figure out how to provide for themselves without requiring you to meet this basic need. You cannot be the solution, you are in almost the same exact situation. This is part of adulthood and there are plenty of programs that exist to make sure students don’t go hungry. There are campus jobs, local food pantries, food stamps, university resources, and more. If they are paying for a food card, *that’s their food*. That’s one thing.
Second thing: you absolutely should not be cleaning up after them and they absolutely should be responsible for taking care of their spaces and keeping common spaces usable. Part of being a functional adult is being accountable for your impact on other people and learning the skills of self care and good citizenship. This is basic cause and affect: if they don’t do their part, they’re responsible for what happens as a result (roaches, mold, rats, sickness, social repercussions, etc.). None of those things are easy to deal with and it’s not okay for you to absorb the consequences that belong to them. These people are being bad friends, bad roommates, and nonfunctional adults.
Thirdly: I almost said E S H. OP, you also have a responsibility here. First, to yourself and second to being a good friend. You have some internal work to do to figure out why you’re incline to and allowing yourself to be taken advantage of this way and then to learn how to interrupt it. This pattern is common amd very self destructive and will impact every relationship you choose, from friends to your own children (if you choose to parent). In 20 years, this is the classic mom who is a martyr because she refuses to prioritize her own needs and have boundaries. Like all enabling and conflict avoidant behavior, it also comes at the expense of your friend’s best interest. They need to go through their own growth process and learn these skills to be the best versions of themselves. But by coddling them you’re making it difficult and unnecessary to begin that process.
NTA.
My daughter had a roommate with food insecurity and no food plan. The other roommates got their maximum allowed food on the plan per day, and brought back apples, yogurt, sandwiches for her, and anything they could pack that was allowed for them to take bank to the apartment. They also kept a basic pantry.
I don’t know why roommates arent helping. A little procrastination is expected. Are they overwhelmed with homework plus college jobs? Or just partiers and slothful. I might handle each situation differently
NTA also you need to move out or get some new roomies.
Goo luck!
Your roommates are inconsiderate pigs and they are not going to change. You are not responsible for teaching them how to adult — including feeding them!
The only solution is to find a new living situation as soon as you can. These people do not care how terribly they are treating you or their living space, and they will continue to do it for as long as they live with you.
You say that you have “always been close” with two of them — this is very kind of you, but they obviously are not feeling any responsibility to maintain a good relationship with you. They are not your friends.
Collage?