here is some context basically my boyfriend is in a band M(17) and he does his studio sessions on sundays and sometimes in the week and he is also in another band and does that sometimes. he is trying to get an album out so it’s obviously important to him but his band memebers(friends) are very unmotivated and half the time don’t go or they don’t make much progress.
Now me F(18) I am very supportive and want him to do well but sometimes he will cancel hangouts that are planned to go play his music in his other band which isn’t making an album and just playing for fun aswell as putting them both as more of a priority as me always even though his friends blow him off but i never do. This upsets me because i know it’s important to him but it still is annoying when we have planned to hangout and he’s gone to smoke weed and play music with his friends instead. is it wrong for me to get mad? or do I just have to respect that it’s important to him too?
You have to respect that both things are important to him, and he has to show you that you are important also. Cancelling plans with you to go play music is not cool unless it was legitimately like a studio session that came up last minute. I assume that you also have other hobbies and still make time for him, he can do the same for you.
what do u think about the fact that i ask if we can hangout on a day but it’s always a maybe not a definite answer and i never know for certain if we are acc gonna hangout and if i accidently keep him from a session because we’re already in the middle of doing something he gets mad
It just sounds like you’re not compatible, really. You both have different priorities. It happens.
Instead of getting upset I think you should realize that your boyfriend is going to put his music & band mates first. It’s not fair to you that he cancels but he’s showing you where his priorities lie.
There’s a line between prioritising your career for a better future (or
Prioritising your hobbies for better mental health) and being disrespectful to your partner and bailing on them/ cancelling plans.
It is sounding like he’s on the second half of that line, im sorry to say.
You’re young, it may be best to go your separate ways, so that he can focus on what he wants to and you focus on your future/ dreams.
i maybe should of added this but , this is what he wants to do for a career he wants to make music and it’s all he has really
their 17 their not partners.
NTA. It’s reasonable to be upset when he cancels plans last minute, especially for something non urgent. Supporting his passion doesn’t mean you have to accept being deprioritized. The real issue isn’t the music, it’s reliability and respect for plans.
NTA, but he’s showing music as his priority over you. Have a conversation with him that it upsets you that he cancels and that he needs to show that you are a priority as well as his music. If he’s unwilling to change or becomes highly defensive/ uninterested in fixing the issue, this is unlikely to work out long term.
Most relationships from teen years don’t last, there’s so much growth ahead for both of you, the chances you grow in different directions is very high. Know your worth and move through life accordingly.
Eh… yeah, kinda, YTA.
People are allowed to have hobbies. It’s good for them.
I’m 46. I’ve been married twice, so far going on 11 years. 12 years? Whatever…
I can’t be EVERYTHING for my wife. I WANT her to get the fuck out of the house. I want her to have friends. I want her to have hobbies. I want her to have a rewarding awesome career that makes her feel fulfilled.
I can’t be all those things. I don’t want to break myself trying to be all those things. I would fail, it is inevitable. And then, what, I’m responsible for her happiness? Fuck that, that’s stupid.
If you want more time with your BF, *tell him that.*
If you want BETTER time with your BF, *tell him that.*
Open and honest communication is the secret to a healthy relationship. So far, you’re talking to strangers on the internet INSTEAD of your partner. Stop that. Go talk to your BF.
——
All that said, yes, get mad when he cancels hangouts. That’s rude, he shouldn’t do that. Your feelings are valid! You just need to deal with them better.
——
There’s often no Right or Wrong in a relationship, there is What Works. If you communicate to your BF that this isn’t working for you, and he doesn’t fix it…. You need to think, is this relationship working for you? If not… Move on. You’re 18. You barely know who you are right now. You’re changing so much. Chances are this was never going to last anyway.
NTA, but stop making yourself so available to him. He ditches you for friends that ditch him, and he does it because he knows you’ll always show up. Maybe find yourself some other friends or a hobby outside of him and be less available. Only then will you know if he will step up to spend more time with you or if he will let the relationship die. Either way, at least you will end up with friends or a hobby that give you joy.
There’s an old dating book called “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I feel like that very much applies to this situation.
ESH
I think you guys just need to have a low drama conversation about this. Explain how you feel, why you feel it. He may be unaware of the impact of his actions and how they make you feel.You say you’ve been really supportive, maybe he takes that to mean supportive of any playing. You suck if the goal is to get mad at him. You don’t suck if you attempt to handle this as a growth opportunity for the both of you.
But… I go to therapy, I’m 39. Probably at your age I would’ve gotten mad too lol. But if you handle the conversation wrong (or he does), the resentment will just grow.
This isn’t going to work out for you. You’re trying to control him, and he’s not focused on you. Put your energies into someone who values you: he’s not the one.
YTA for thinking that being “supportive” entitles you to control.