I’ve been friends with "Dee" for about 4 years. I feel like I’ve always been the one doing everything for her. I planned her gender reveal, I’m always there to listen to her anxiety, and I even drove like 50 miles once just to get her a specific cake she wanted. Whenever she has a birthday party for her kid, I’m there super early to help set up and watch the kids so she can actually have fun.
Right now, I’m pregnant with my first (it’s high risk) and my husband and I just moved into a new house.
Like 6 weeks ago, I asked Dee to save a specific morning for a surprise. I didn’t say what it was, just that it was important to me. She said yes. The day before I hosted her entire family for lunch, I told her the surprise was our housewarming ceremony personally inviting them for the next morning.
The morning of, things were crazy. I called her to see if she could grab ice on the way, but she didn’t answer. She called me back later saying she wouldn’t get there until 11:30 (it ended at 12) because the 9am start messed with her toddler’s routine.
This really hurt because she promised weeks ago to keep that morning free. When she finally showed up, she was dressed super casual (which isn’t like her), let her kid run around during the prayer ceremony, didn’t help at all, and left early for nap time. The thing is, she changes her kid’s schedule all the time for trips or parties she wants to go to. But for me, she couldn’t make it work.
She hasn’t checked in on me since. She called once to invite us over, but when I said we had workers coming at that time and offered to come later, she said no because she wanted to go out. She didn’t ask about the move, the pregnancy, or my dog getting hurt.
The part that’s making me rethink everything is that my husband’s friend’s wife reached out (I hardly know her, met her only once before). She has 5-year-old twins. Even with twins, she offered to bring food, help unpack, and just hang out because she knew I was stressed.
Seeing the difference between this woman I barely know and my "best friend" is crazy. I feel like so angry with Dee, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Was I expecting too much since I didn’t tell her it was a housewarming until the day before?
AITA?
Update: Yes. She is the same culturally. And she knew it was just the ceremony. She had a similar one that I attended for her house. She is into religious and cultural stuff much more than I am. She got plenty of appropriate clothes.
Update 2: informed her to save the date and time when we put an offer on the house. Hosted her family on the day we got the key for lunch and told about the house personally. The ceremony was for a very close family where you entire the house for the first time. Invited her and her family in person over lunch officially the day before (because that’s when we got the key). Hope this provides more context on why the time and situation was special. From my end, I was sharing the big thing in my life with her as a family member. I consider/considered her as a sister who would be happy and my exact words were "This is the house where you and I can chill out with enough space for you to even have your own room"
NTA but is she the same religion as you? Because maybe the idea of a religious housewarming threw her off and she was trying to avoid the ceremony part?
I mean generally no one is TA for being mad; it is your actions that matter.
NTA. Sounds like you have a good candidate for a new best friend. Stop putting energy into a friendship with someone who doesn’t seem to care about you.
Info is your friend religious? Maybe she doesn’t want a religious event sprung on her
Idk her behavior seemed poor but I also think it is AH territory to have someone save a weekend morning without telling them what it is. It’s not even a surprise for her so why does it need to be a surprise TO her? You also didn’t tell her a dress code or what the event even was until the night before, so you don’t have a right to comment on her dress.
She didn’t treat you the best but you handled this very weirdly. 99% of issues come from lack of communication and you communicated very poorly.
Yes. She is the same culturally. And she knew it was just the ceremony. She had a similar one that I attended for her house.
She knew to save the date. She has plenty of appropriate dresses as she is much more into religious and cultural stuff than me.
But you said it was a surprise, so how could she have known?
Because I hosted her and told her the day before everything in detail… surprise was revealed a day before – I got the key that day and told her the next morning’s plan which was told to save the date and time more than a month ago.. The ceremony is a ritual she is well aware of.
I still think it’s a bit odd to frame it as a surprise until the day before. Who’s benefit is that for? What is this ritual? Is it grihapravesha?
Yes, you can say so. It is similar to grehpravesh. I am more focused on the kind of response I am getting in this friendship than the logistics. I have been there for her even when it was impractical for me to be there solely because she wanted me to be there. Here, I told her to save time more than a month ago, she had time to plan for a busy morning. Told a day before in detail what it is for in person. She said she will be there and on the day of, at 10:30 she calls me to tell she won’t be there till 11:30, I expected her at 9am if not earlier! It screams to me that I am not important in this friendship to honor a commitment
> It’s not even a surprise for her so why does it need to be a surprise TO her?
I found this odd too, and I think it’s possible this friend had expectations after being told to save a weekend morning for a surprise weeks out. The surprise likely felt like a massive let down, and while that doesn’t excuse her disrespect, I feel like it was a weird set up.
NTA. Let the friendship go. Save yourself future pain and hassle.
Why did you try to surprise her with YOUR housewarming party? And you only told her the night before…that’s an odd choice. Maybe both of you are AH to each other, it sounds like you don’t like her much anyways so just let the friendship go.
I have a 75/25.friendship rule that may also help you – I only maintain friendships where the other person over time is putting in at least 25% of the effort. I don’t mind doing a lot of the organizing, planning, etc but I do expect my friend to do at least some of it. This has helped weed out people like your friend who seem to do all the taking but don’t reciprocate with any giving.
Your 9am housewarming is weird. But friends need to accommodate and do their part once in a while. Be done with with her and explore friendship with friend’s wife. She seems nice.
Soft NTA She obviously was not willing to “be there” for you. Invest less energy/time in her and stop going out of your way to make her happy. It appears that the two of you do not see your friendship in the same manner. Let her work a bit to see you/spend time with you. If she makes no effort, you’ll know that it’s best for you to move on.