I had a childhood best friend that passed away 3 years ago. We hung out almost everyday and had sleepovers 2 times a month, her death anniversary is on the 6th of January and it’s been really tuff on me this year. Anyways so I have a new best friend, we’ve been really close since 2022 and she’s really been a great friend to me. She knows how much sleep overs mean to me so we planned one to have over thanksgiving break (we’re both in school). We had it planned on thanksgiving night, she would come to my house, eat thanksgiving dinner with my family, we’d hang out for the rest of the night and then sleep over. Two hours before she was supposed to come over she canceled, She said it was because she was hanging out with friends all day and she didn’t want to leave the house. As an introvert i understand that but we had this planned for a month and it still upset me. Christmas break rolls around and we decided to schedule a sleepover for the 3rd, I had work that night and I told her I didn’t know when I’d get off (I work in a restaurant). I told her “it could be 8:30pm or it could be 10:00pm idk yet”. Her response was “well I’m just not going to come over now. I’ve been out all day and I just want to be home. Coming over for a sleepover at 10 is wild.” Obviously I’m upset about this because it’s the second time she’s planned this with me and says she’s supper excited and then cancels when I needed her most. I replied with “You know sleepovers mean a lot to me, especially this week. It just really upsets me that this is the second time we’ve planned this and you’ve canceled the day of.” She left me on read so I replied with “leaving me on read says a lot about our friendship”. I ended up getting sent home from work at 8:00pm because I broke down at work and I didn’t text her to see if she wanted to come over. She hasn’t texted me or answered my snaps or instagram reels I sent her 10 hours ago. I don’t want to lose this friendship over a sleepover that didn’t even happen. So AITA?
EDIT: I should say that it was her idea to have a sleepover on thanksgiving because her family was having thanksgiving on a different day because it worked better for her family’s schedules. She canceled the sleepover and we scheduled the sleepover on the 3rd according to our schedules. I had asked off but because we’re short staffed they scheduled me anyways and I couldn’t get it covered. She has come over to my house past 10pm before so I didn’t understand why coming over at 10pm for a sleepover was that difficult
I’d say ESH. Sleepovers might be your thing but they clearly aren’t hers. Yes it’s uncool for her to have broken the plan on TG, it speaks to immaturity, poor planning, and general lack of consideration on her part. But you seem to be hanging the entire value of this friendship on her doing sleepovers with you and I don’t think that’s cool of you either. That was your thing with your last BFF and forcing it onto this new friendship seems improper… a bit artificial perhaps, and just forced. And, I kind of agree with her that if you can’t even give her a reliable start time and it MIGHT be as late as 10, that’s not a super appealing plan. So IDK, maybe a sleepover another time will work out just fine. Or maybe you need to create some new rituals and traditions with this friend that aren’t just borrowing from your last.
It’s completely possible she isn’t allowed to have sleepovers, yet she knows how much they mean to you. So she may be making the plans and then her parents force her to cancel, and she doesn’t want to say that.
No she is definitely allowed to have sleepovers. Her dad understands her wanting to be out of the house because her mom is very bipolar and has other issues
Sorry but YTA in this case. It’s unreasonable for you to expect your friend to commit to a sleepover when you can’t give her an expected start time due to your work schedule. Whenever my daughters have gone to, or hosted, a sleepover, it usually starts earlier than 8pm because there are other activities included.
ESH I think your response was a bit rude and could’ve been handled better but se shouldn’t have canceled or if she did said in a nicer way you both could’ve done things better
She canceled on me before I said that
I’m on the fence. Thanksgiving and a night you have to work are weird times to schedule sleepovers. Sleepovers are important to you, but their time is just as important. And expecting them to bail on family on Thanksgiving or sit around all night waiting for you to get off work is unreasonable. YTA
Her family was having thanksgiving on a different day and she was going to come over on thanksgiving to spend time with my family until she canceled. Her family is a little rocky so my parents offered her to come over for a good and relaxing time
Have you considered that maybe she was tired from her own family’s shenanigans and didn’t feel like coming over and having to act like everything was fine around your family while getting a real town reminder of how her own family/life could never be? You’re not the only one who’d allowed to have issues.
I feel like your age is important here. How old are you and your friend?
INFO How old is OP? This does not seem like a normal mature reaction to plans changing.
I’m 18 and she’s 17
YTA mostly. She doesn’t owe you an immediate reply. She can think about what the wants to say.
When you say sleepovers are important to me, you’re implying that since you’ve chosen her to invite, she better realize how special this is and not betray you by not coming over. She better treat this as super special too. But she doesn’t have to do that. She gets to decide what time is too late to start, or change her mind about coming over. Now if she changes her mind a lot, then stop inviting her because you know she’s going to bail. **Admit that’s who she is*. It’s not personal, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or unworthy of friendship. It means you can’t expect her to deliver on things she says in advance. And know that any time you invite her you might end up staying the night alone.
ESH. I agree, that cancelling on the first sleepover which you had planned for a month just because she was tired from hanging out with other people is pretty inconsiderate. Your family was expecting her for dinner too. It’s the kind of situation where she should’ve just gone through with the commitment she made, and sometimes as friends we have to compromise and show up to things we might not feel like in the moment. With that said, I don’t think the second time she cancelled was unreasonable at all, having her wait around until possibly 10 pm to come over seems a bit inconsiderate of her time in my opinion and it just seems like an unappealing/rushed plan. If i had been in her position I probably would have done the same thing, probably made her feel like she wasn’t really being prioritised.
To be honest, you should consider the possibility that she feels pressured to accept the sleepover plans because she knows your history with them and not because she necessarily wants to. Not saying it’s 100% the case, because I don’t know your life but the message you sent her does feel a bit guilt-trippy to me personally, and if you’re constantly bringing you’re childhood best friend she you might be placing a lot of emotional responsibility onto her unintentionally