I am 26F and my partner is 28F. We have been together for almost 2 years. I was in a previous abusive relationship for 10 years. It was controlling and just overall terrible. Due to this I changed so much about myself to satisfy this person. Now that I am out of that I guess my brain has just decided to I am unwilling to change anything about myself or compromise at all anymore. Idk I guess it feels like by doing that I am “standing up for myself”. However, my partner, is the sweetest and is so accommodating and compromises. We have been talking and she feels like she compromises on so many things but I am unwilling to budge on things at all. Super small things like wearing a mouth guard so she can sleep better (I grind my teeth and she is a light sleeper). And big things too. In my head this feels like she is trying to make me do something I don’t want to do and it triggers me (due to my previous relationship dynamics). Idk I am just reaching a wall where any type of compromise makes me feel like I am going against myself and giving into someone wanting to change me. But in reality, this is not the case anymore. I am applying the same logic I had in my abusive relationship as I am in my current healthy one. Like I am the toxic one now. Ughhhhhh. Idk how to get over this wall and convince myself that compromise doesn’t equate to control here. Has anyone experienced anything similar and have words of advice 😭?
Edit: I have been in therapy for 3 years consistently now, working on various things.
TLDR: Past abuse makes compromise feel triggering, even in my healthy relationship, and I’m struggling to stop treating normal requests like control.
First off, I want to say you’re so brave for recognizing this and being open about it! Healing from abuse is a long, tricky journey, and it’s totally normal to carry that emotional weight with you for a while. You’re not toxic you’re healing. Compromise in a healthy relationship is all about balancing each other’s needs and showing love in small ways. Maybe think of it as *growing* together, not changing who you are. You don’t have to lose yourself to compromise, it’s just finding ways to show you care while still respecting your boundaries. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and trust that your partner isn’t trying to control you they just love you! 💖
>I grind my teeth
You realize that’s bad for you too, right? If you really can’t figure out how to get past the kneejerk rejection of anything that isn’t your own idea, even when that’s to your own detriment at least as much as hers, then you need to take that to therapy to learn how to distinguish when you’re actually being asked something unreasonable and need to set boundaries from everything else.
I would advise going to individual therapy, because abuse can be extremely difficult to move past. It literally rewires how you think and how you approach these kinds of dynamics.
Something that can also be helpful is trying to approach these situations as practically and detached as possible. Perhaps create a list of questions to ask yourself when it comes to requests to change your behavior. For example, “Is this behavior harmful to others? Will compromising be beneficial to both of us outside of the relationship? Do I lose anything (opportunities, self-expression, autonomy) by agreeing to change?”
Like with the teeth grinding–if you weren’t dating, would it still be beneficial to get a mouth guard? Yes, for your own dental health. These types of categorizing questions can help you logically “prove” to yourself that a request is reasonable or unreasonable.
I agree with cultural_shape you need a third perspective until you get your perspective re-balanced and probably do some self work on healing from trauma. It’s not fair to your new gf that you aren’t working on yourself and using her as a therapist.
I mean…not only are you not compromising, you’re basically willing to negatively impact your partner’s health (not sleeping) due to your past relationship. How long will she be able to tolerate that?
Info:
What exactly are these ‘compromises’ your partner makes which you are unwilling to fulfil on your end? Do you even try to offer alternatives to her solutions that benefit the both of you that you’re willing to follow through with, or do you just shut down anything that involves you being ‘inconvenienced’ in some way regardless of the reason why?
There’s a big difference between “I will not dress/act/style my hair the way my partner prefers because that’s what my ex used to force me to do/it doesn’t match the way I express myself.” And “I don’t want to do anything for anyone no matter what but I’m happy to watch them back over backwards for me.” You can’t blame trauma on not wanting to do something your partner shouldn’t even have to ‘compromise’ on in the first place or would be beneficial for both parties and require very minimal effort on your behalf like the situation with the mouth guard.
So you are going to destroy this relationship if you make your current partner pay for what your previous partner did. She deserves better, so perhaps you should not be in a relationship until you learn what a healthy relationship is like