TLDR: I honestly haven’t helped much around the house while home for winter break. My mom got upset that I didn’t do chores she never asked me to do, now she’s giving me the silent treatment.
EDIT FOR MORE INFO:
Further context: I do clean my parents home every day and keep the areas I occupy decently clean. I will admit, I do tend to keep my spaces cluttered but not disgustingly messy. I do the same things at their home as I would at my own: I sweep daily, mop 3x a week, wash the dishes every night after dinner, take out the garbage, care for the dogs, keep up with her and my father’s medication, along with other small chores I did throughout high school.
I (20F) am home for a couple of weeks over the holidays. I’ve been spending time with hometown friends, gaming, working my online job, just my usual routine. Today while I was at lunch with my fiancé’s family, my mom (55F) called me and suddenly blew up on me for not doing things around the house that she had never asked me to do. She says that since she pays for my schooling and I’m “just sitting at home anyway”, she shouldn’t have to take care of the house when she comes home from work. For context, my mom works very hard, usually about 60 hours a week; my hours are very flexible with my online job. However, the part that really upset me about this call was that she said she hasn’t said anything for the past two weeks because she was hoping that I’d finally realize and do it. She said that I “need to stop acting like I live alone and consider the other people [her and my dad] in the house”
Here is a list of the things she believes I should’ve known to do: 1. dust the wall of photos in the living room 2. put the pillows on the couch in the “correct” order 3. take down the Christmas tree (something that we usually do as a family but I guess I was supposed to it myself this year??) 4. Wash the cup, pot, and plate that she left in the sink last night (something she said she did as a test on me) 5. Put away the Christmas decorations outside 6. Clean out my closet and take my clothes from HS to the thrift 7. Let her know when I leave the house while she’s working (I have lived alone for the past 3 years 500 miles away??)
I tried to speak to her and apologize for not realizing but she hung up before I could speak. I immediately left lunch with my fiancé and his parents and rushed home to try to help my mom with cleaning. She has arthritis so I was extremely worried about her trying to lift our heavy Christmas decorations on her own. When I got home, she was practically done cleaning the whole house. I tried to help but she just gave me the silent treatment and has been doing so for a couple hours now. Now she’s outside hauling huge Christmas decorations into our garage and won’t let me help. I feel like the biggest jerk in the world but I also feel like I’m being manipulated?
I’ve been just kinda existing at my parents’ house like I typically would at my place. I am always home by 9pm at the very latest when I go out (which isn’t often). I don’t think I’m an irresponsible person, I just am really not used to having to deal with living with another person anymore, especially one who is so particular about everything. So many of the things she wants me to do are so simple, and knowing that now, I feel like a complete asshole because I angered her to the point of tears.
So, AITA for “behaving like I live alone”?
You could’ve asked. Wherever I stay, even for a day, I ask if there’s anything I could do. Anyway, your mom could’ve asked you too.
I totally agree, when someone offers you room and board, the least you can do is help out, even if just a little.
Soft ESH, your mum could obviously have communicated that as you are now an adult that you could help around the house more. You being an adult and recognising your mum works long hours and has arthritis could have helped without being asked.
YTA
You agree that you’re not used to living alone.
You haven’t contributed.
You’re just asking whether you’re good or an ass for not helping? Nah, I’m sure everyone else loves cleaning and chores! They understand that you are special! You get vacations that adults don’t – so adults don’t understand the value of not working! Adults are so self centered that way, so they forget how much more enjoyable life is your way because adults love to do chores.
She updates that she contributed by doing regular chores
ESH- I think everyone kind of sucks here.
You should’ve been more aware of things that needed doing- like dirty dishes in the sink. If you see those you know SOMEONE needs to wash them and that could be you. You also could’ve asked been more mindful and asked if there was anything she needed help with since you were home, especially since you are aware that her arthritis makes some tasks difficult for her.
That being said, you are not a mind reader. Every other task your mom listed is not one that you would naturally know. The pillows? The photos? Not things I think about in my own house! The tree and decor? Everyone takes theirs down at different times and you state it has always been a family task in the past. You can’t be expected to know that has changed. The clothing? That’s ridiculous. You have no way of knowing she wants you to go through your clothing. It’s in a room you still consider “yours” and are items that belong to you. If you want to get rid of them you will.
So everyone is wrong. You should’ve taken initiative and ASKED if you could help instead of lazing about so much. I get it’s your break, but you can pause from hanging out and playing games for a few hours and take down the tree if asked.
Mom shouldn’t expect you to read her mind and do tasks that she never asked you to do and are not basic household tasks.
In the immortal words of my late aunt
>This is not a hotel
And OP also isn’t a mind reader. I think if they literally did nothing, then yeah, mom’s not an asshole here. Basic shit like doing your own dishes (and the ones in the sink when you’re doing yours, don’t just pretend they’re not there) and washing your own laundry (and helping other people push theirs through, but folding other people’s clothes isn’t a requirement imo), cleaning up your messes, etc… If OP didn’t keep up with that stuff, then yeah, they’re an ass. If OP *did* keep up with that stuff and mom is throwing a list of *non every day tasks* at OP like they were supposed to know everything (when they don’t live there most of the time, when they know there’s a typical routine of doing it, etc), then mom is the asshole.
OP should clean up after themself and help with daily chores. OP *should not* be expected to read their mom’s mind.
What we need is INFO.
I think everyone is jumping too fast to judge here. You mentioned things that aren’t an every day cleaning type thing. Yes, you could ask about helping with taking decorations down or whatever. But, are you doing daily chores like dishes, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash?
“I have lived alone for the past 3 years” + “I’ve been just kinda existing at my parents’ house like I typically would at my place” + “my mom works very hard, usually about 60 hours a week” + “She has arthritis” + “she pays for my schooling” = YTA
ESH Your mother, who pays for your schooling and lets you stay there for free and works 60 hours a week deserves help around the house. She should not have to ask you to do routine things like wash dishes. However, she should have given you a list if she expected to do specific tasks.
NTA you are back on vacation, almost done with school & engaged. She should be treating you as a house guest, taking time off work to spend with you. There isn’t many more chances before you will have a family of your own. Her expectations were ridiculous. You are not a holiday housekeeper. Perhaps next break you should stay with your fiancé’s family instead. Cutting lunch short & running home to appease her screams of her emotional abuse.
NTA. Some of these older gens expect certain things without communicating them because “you should have known” Not all, but a surprising amount. Sounds like she’s been brewing shit in her head for a while and it finally spewed out. It’s childish. It’s really strange being a fly on the wall to these conversations. Anyway, you’ve been cleaning daily, the tasks she expected you to know were pretty obscure, and one was something she changed up on you completely. It’s childish. And now she’s punishing you by not letting you help while never having given you the chance or letting you know what she needed help with. NTA. This is the type who will moan about you never calling or visiting with her grandkids someone day without ever communicating or reaching out on her part.
NTA and I say that as a mid-50s mom of ‘kids’ who are in their 20s. It’s one thing if she asked you to do certain tasks and you blew her off, but from what you read she’s basically expecting you to read her mind. Where is your dad in this? Is it possible that she’s pissed at him for not carrying his weight and taking that out on you?