I would like to apologise ahead for my English – it’s not my first language. My boyfriend (26) and I (24) are long distance (6 hour flight away and I’m ahead by 4 hours). I’m the kind of person that loves to celebrate things with my partner, even small wins. Doesn’t have to be major. But just spending time with one another would be nice.
We haven’t been spending much time together lately, I’ve brought it up to him multiple times and I’ve tried fixing it myself but I can tell his heart isn’t in it- he’s been too busy gaming. Which I get as I’m a gamer myself but I still make time for him. Whats stressful is that every time we argue about his behaviour, he will fix it for a couple of weeks then we get lazy. Then when I ask him “hey let’s watch a movie today” his expression seems kinda- I don’t want to say annoyed because maybe I’m misreading him but inconvenienced ? Maybe it because he had something that day. He’ll still agree to it though.
He completely ignored Valentine’s Day even though I made it very obvious that was something I’ve been looking forward to. When I confronted him he said “I didn’t think that’s something you cared about”. We got in an argument and then he said “it’s fine now I know that’s something you like.” Fast forward a year later, Valentine’s Day. The exact same thing happened except this time I didn’t confront him. I just let it pass. Oh – he also missed our first anniversary. I don’t even think he cares or knows when we actually got together. He always makes it seems like we’ve been dating for much shorter than we actually have.
It’s been some time when all of that happened. I feel like I’m absolutely insane for caring about these things but I just always have- and the partners I dated before him also have. I’m not saying he’s a bad person for not caring about it but it hurts me because he knows that I care about it. I’ve made compromises for him why can’t he compromise for me.
I’ve made the effort to fly to him but he has yet to come visit me. He’s been talking about doing it for what feels like a year- but something ALWAYS comes up. Whether it’s an unexpected charge or weird event that sets his finances back. But it’s happened too many times to count.
His behaviour has generally improved towards me, we get along now pretty well. Rarely fight but I can’t put my finger on whether it’s because I’ve gotten tired of correcting him and now I just deal with some things – or whether it’s because he actually changed. I genuinely feel like I’m going insane figuring it out. He used to be awful- I stuck it out because he told me had cancer. (Which was also a whole thing because he didn’t tell me he had cancer when we first dated but that’s another story) – Besides he’s generally a good person, he does good people things and I know he has a good heart.
I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him, or not give him a chance. I feel like I should stick it out because he’ll be worth it in the end. I believe people can genuinely change – I know I have. Am I stupid for doing so?
I‘ve been in a LDR and it‘s insanely hard to sustain even if both put in their best effort. So without him putting in effort (which he clearly isn‘t), it‘s not gonna work. Like he won‘t even visit in two years, so I can already tell just by that there is no long term plan to move to each other and if there ever is it‘s going to be 100% on you. Not to mention if he has financial issues, it‘s just not possible even IF he did his best, those moves cost a ton of money. So you want to be LDR forever?
As for your objections to breaking up. Sure, people can change, but only if they want to or can. You‘ve given no indication that he wants to change at all. Don’t even get me started on the “he used to be awful” thing, that was pure luck that he turned from awful to merely bad. It’s best you date people only for who they are right now and not some hypothetical they could maybe change into.
As for hurting him, think of yourself here, you are also being hurt! Better to rip that bandaid off and give it one good hurt to both, than death by 1000 cuts to you. Then you are free to look for maybe some more realistic and loving relationships.
Yeah that was the initial plan that I would move over there to him- I was planning to move to that country regardless so it just made sense. But I hear you, I guess I kind of know that it would make the most sense to end the relationship with him but I’ve never ended a relationship before. I’ve always been the one to wait for the other person to do it which is obviously horrible and need to work on that. But thank you for your words
I hope I wasn‘t too harsh, I kinda wrote it all without thinking too much, it‘s just what I would have said to myself in the past. My situation was a bit similar and it took me 6 years to realize it has no future and I need to break up. Good for you that you question already two years in. Best of luck, whatever you decide.
>I feel like I should stick it out because he’ll be worth it in the end.
Girl, if he can’t even remember the FIRST anniversary you have, he will not improve. This is the level of effort he puts in this relationship. You can’t date somebody for their potential. This is who he is.
I definitely understand your side, but the way you phrased his behavior as “generally improved” rather than anything less than “he loves me a lot so much yay” tells me you both know he’s just never going to pull his weight. Please lose this ball and chain, find someone who knows your worth.
Stop wasting your best boob years on silly little boys