So for context my boyfriend (20m) and i (21f) have been together for almost 5 years now meeting on insta and realising we lived pretty close to each other. In the beginning, the first 3 years everything was great. we were still in that puppy love naïve stage; calling everyday, pet names, constant updates, sleeping on the phone together, y’know all that mushy stuff.
But as we started to get older some things would lead to messy arguments.
I should add that i do struggle with depression and so does he and that I’m the eldest child of my family and he’s the youngest. Often times i found myself babying him and feeling like I was teaching him how to be a partner which led to me having a ton of criticisms against him. i hold myself accountable for the damage that may have caused within the relationship. I was his first girlfriend so he wasn’t really romantic and practical in the sense but he was sweet so i tried not to care so much.
We’d had petty arguments but nothing was as bad as the day i found out he had recorded one of our intimate moments when we were (18m) and (19f) without my knowledge. i’ve forgiven him since but i’ve never really been able to move past it. it haunts me and i found myself always bringing it up in a passive aggressive way or in every argument. i guess i thought after something like that he’d try to kiss up to me to make things better but no haha 😅
At some point during the relationship i was incredibly unhappy because we never went on dates and i was begging him for flowers and dates cus all we did was call and not see each other for weeks despite living 15 minutes away from each other (there was always an excuse) so we took our first ever pause from the relationship. it was a little over a month and he texted me and we got back together and everything was perfect again. (yay!)
My boyfriend is a gamer and im more of a casual enjoyer of games so while i do try to enjoy them with him, i’m no duo for elden ring. so he’d spend hours upon hours to days on various games. and we’d get distant. so here comes another talk that leads into an argument. "why don’t you like talking to me as much?" "you stay up so late" "you disappear for hours without telling me and i get worried only for you to tell me at 3 am while im asleep that you were gaming". this argument makes its rounds for months and we only got more distant. once again, no dates no flowers.
During all of this, we graduate Highschool so all his friends are moving all over and he’s gotten quite lonely. which does explain why he was always online but even those relationships start to falter. Me trying to be the supportive gf encourage him to talk more with his coworkers and make friends in game communities and discord servers. and i regret it. i hate myself for regretting it cus he genuinely has friends he can go to but i’m losing him to them.
it started sometime in late 2025- i think september? and he’s gotten distant again. same thing as before; hours with no communication, distance, no motivation to see each other and on top of that he had just lost a family member. (i was never good with familial loss as the only family members i had that died was either a stranger or abusive) so he found comfort with his discord friends.
for the entire year of 2025 we went on one date. the one being his friend’s birthday party. so technically none and this was an issue i brought up to him. (looking back i should’ve said something before the grief) and things just kept falling apart. now we don’t call, our conversations are surface level, and he’s no longer curious. i often find myself carrying the load of the conversation.
it got to the point that i thought he was cheating. i mean it’s discord there’s lots of attractive women who are good with games on there and we met online so it’s not like he’s averse to edating right? well.
He also wants to be a streamer and i find out he only has one female mod and well it’s not me. i should add that i’ve always supported this dream of his infact i was his second follower after his best friend. so seeing that he made his first female mod some e girl he met on discord i dunno it broke my heart really bad. sorry but i felt entitled to that spot ive been here since the beginning yknow?
So now im scared and i hate this strange girl and i bring it up to him that i dont like that and he just goes so hard in defending her and im?? so confused?? he’s known her all of 5 months?? then he says he wants a break. and all the alarms are ringing and i’m thinking to myself "hes actually leaving me for an e girl" oh and also this is not the first time that girl has come in the middle of a relationship cus apparently she was between the best friend i had mentioned before’s relationship too. Funny enough he told me i was acting exactly like his best friend’s ex. the ex he told me he didn’t like cus she was crazy ☹️ the same ex that’s only an ex because of the e girl.
now it’s november 2025 and were together again but something’s off. still barely texting, fake conversations now he has a short temper and outright tells me he doesn’t like calling in general and i say that’s not true cus he spends hours on discord calls. calls that girl is so often a part of. mind you i asked to join the server earlier before this but he said no because "i have no filter" but that’s not true because he knows im very polite around new people.
on one of the days im left on delivered for upwards of 5 hours, i check his steam and i see he’s been playing power washing simulator for just about the same amount of time. " I have power wash simulator why did he never ask me to play with him? we could talk too! but oh wait he doesn’t like calling and wants his alone time" That’s what i think to myself. so i keep my loneliness and sadness to myself. "he just needs space" "this is his me-time".
Now it’s 2026 (happy new year) and he came over last night and he’s fallen asleep. and this isn’t something i’ve ever done.. and is something im ashamed of doing it and it literally isn’t who i am… but i go through his phone. and i read his discord chats with that girl and this whole time. all those hours on powerwash simulator were one on one.. with her. and i’m seeing things that actually make me sick to my stomach. him telling her i’m "tweaking", her mom complimenting his voice, him telling her things id begged him to share with me like how his relatives divorce were affecting him. how she’d sometimes be the first person he spoke to that day or the last that night. him offering to buy her food? there’s been no flirting or anything like that but i’m so scared it’s gonna happen any day now.
I want us to work so bad and i love him so much I just need some advice to keep him and bring the spark back.
(sorry for any bad punctuation or typos currently typing through tears)
TL;DR gamer bf is doing gamer couple stuff with someone else but me and we barely talk anymore
Sorry but he is not that into you and you have been dragging this out for waaaaay too long.
Think about what you want from a relationship. It sounds like you are not receiving that from him.
A good rule in dating is: “Don’t try to get people to give you what you want. State a need. Make space for them to meet that need. If they choose not to play, then meet that need yourself by whatever means possible. A lot of the time, that means dating someone else who is more than happy to play. Set people free to run with their own tribes while you find yours.”
ah well figures. i’ve known this for a while too i guess im being naive lol, thank you
If you didn’t know that he offered to buy another woman food, he’s hiding more. I’d let my fiancé see or talk with whoever he wants, because I trust him and his judgement, but if I found out he offered to buy a woman a meal without telling me.
Also, this is not a girl you’re talking about. This a woman, she’s an adult, and so is he. We have to grow out of teenage mindset at some point and start asserting the type of respect you expect in relationships, or it will not pan out well. I left my 5 year relationship at age 22 and it was the best thing I ever did. He still lives in his parents’ basement 8 years later. I was never going places with that man.