I 23F live in a two-bedroom apartment. Some time ago, my cousin Sophie 25F hit a rough patch after a breakup and some personal issues, and I offered for her to stay with me for a some time while she got back on her feet. Initially it was fine, she helped with groceries and chores.
Over the past two months, things changed. Sophie started inviting friends over constantly, leaving dishes piled up, and has been late paying me back for shared expenses. I’m generally laid-back, but it got to the point where I was doing most of the chores and paying for most of the food. A couple weeks ago, I politely reminded her that the original deal was temporary and that the situation at home needed to be respectful for both of us. I also told her I wasn’t trying to chase her, needed her to contribute, covering her share of rent, utilities and helping out around the house. Sophie got upset saying I was being too rigid and should just let her stay without rules since it’s family. I told her I love her and want to help, but I also need my home to feel like my home and that boundaries matter. I offered to help her look for jobs and told her I’d give her until the end of the next month to get something lined up, but she took it as a personal attack and told relatives that I was being cold. Now her friends and some relatives are messaging me privately saying I should be more supportive and not be harsh.
So AITA for saying she needs to follow house rules and start being responsible if she wants to stay longer?
NTA
She doesn’t have the right to do this to you. The original plan that she agreed on was to stay temporarily until she’s back at her feet. It seems like she is back at her feet, so I guess she can just go. It’s not her house, and she needs to be reminded of that. Whether she’s going to continue staying over or not.
Those relatives are not the ones dealing with her plates, her constant invites of friends, nor the late payments. Of course, all they can do is talk. So just leave their opinions aside and think about yourself. Do you really want to continue living this way with your cousin inside your own home from now on? Are your relatives’ words and opinions worth all of this?
Sit down and talk to her, adult to adult. Let us know what happens
One reason I’m questioning myself is that I didn’t set expectations early on, so from her side it probably feels sudden. I don’t want to send her away without warning, but I also don’t think our arrangement is working anymore. I’m planning to meet her personally again and be clearer about timelines and boundaries.
You didn’t tell her that her stay is temporary? Well, try speaking again to her. Talking won’t hurt. She just needs to be reminded that she’s not living in her parents’ house. You guys are family, but that can’t be the reason to cross boundaries.
Good luck
NTA
When you receive the next message from the family members and friends that think you should offer unconditional financial support because “she’s family”, Ask how they intend to support Sophie through this challenging time.
Tell them that they can offer financial support or a room in their home; otherwise their advice is unwelcome and unnecessary.
I care about Sophie and that’s why I helped as much as I reasonably could and genuinely If they feel that’s necessary, they should let me know what support they’re willing to give Sophie so she’s not relying on just me.
Your offer was generous and demonstrates how much you care but she’s been taking advantage of your kindness.
Even if you didn’t set a date or a clear timeframe when you originally offered her space/time to “get on her feet” you can do it now.
NTA
these things seem to always end up with someone feeling trodden all over. Make a decision, be firm with it. There will be fallout, what can you do?
NTA. Tell the friends and relatives that you’re going to tell Sophie that they’ve offered their homes to her since they feel it’s important to be be supportive and not harsh OR they can just MTOB
NTA. Cousin takes your suggestion of sticking to the basic agreement personally and is very offended, while hoping that nobody notices how offensive she’s being by demanding to stay with you long-term and free of expenses.
NTA, if she thinks a month’s notice is you being cold, try telling her she can leave tomorrow
NTA. “should just let her stay without rules since it’s family.” = Let me continue to take advantage of your generosity. She’s using you, manipulating you, and now she has run off to get family to pressure you. That is the epitome of toxic behavior.
I would set her down and give her a timeline. 30 days – 60 days, whatever, and she needs to be gone.
You wanted to help your cousin get back on her feet so you let her stay with you for free.
A funny thing about human beings: gratitude very quickly turns into entitlement.
When you attempt to put an end to the situation, entitlement very quickly turns into anger and animosity.
That where the saying *’no good deed goes unpunished’* comes from.
If you want to have good relationships with your family, avoid giving them money or things. Even though it would cost you nothing to give, it will end up being the demise of your relationship because human beings are selfish and greedy by nature.
She’s 2 years older than you, you shouldn’t be the one supporting her. And she doesn’t have a job? Why not? If it‘s ‘family‘ then everyone can pitch in and pay for her support.