I (34F) am seriously considering not going to my only sister’s (32F) cross-country wedding this summer. My husband thinks it’s obvious we shouldn’t go but I’m struggling with indecision.
Growing up, we were close. Then my sis was 17, her boyfriend died. It was devastating. For the next 13+ years she pressured me and our mom to reach out every year on his birthday and death anniversary. During that time there were constant emotional abuse spirals over text. We were "punching bags". When I forgot in 2023.. 13 yrs later.. she guilt-tripped me hard. I sent her a long text explaining I couldn’t keep feeling obligated to text her on these dates every year, I shared how hard this has been on me all these years. How I felt like I’d lost a sister because grief had taken over her life for so long. For the first time I spoke up. She never responded. Which stung hard. We didn’t speak for months.
Then I got engaged. We slowly started talking again. I decided to look past a lot of stuff and more issues that arose that year. A year later I dug deep and asked her to be my maid of honor. I thought maybe things could change. She was honored and said yes.
What she actually do as my MOH..well, no card. No gift. Never offered a speech. Bailed on getting ready with me, no word. Weird vibes and friction during all my festivities. And after pressing my mom about her actions, she told me flying out to my wedding was "a burden" for my sister. She has her own biz and makes 6 figures.
Now she’s getting married in June and she hasn’t asked me to be in her wedding party. Chose a friend as maid of honor. She’s excluded me from all general wedding updates/planning. Hasn’t texted the past 5 months. I did get a couple of thank yous this fall when I sent her a thank-you card with pictures.
Last year we got into an argument. She was ripping into me about how bad it was I hadn’t sent my formal save the dates yet even though she’d had the date for weeks. I brought up the text she never responded to.. that’s why I waited a few weeks to tell her I was engaged. My fault again. She claimed she HAD written a response but her therapist told her not to send it because "I wouldn’t receive it well". So even her silence was my fault. Then she said. "You don’t get it, just like a cancer patient, they’re the one affected. No one else." Basically saying her suffering will always matter more than mine. I just let the conversation end. What’s the point.
I’ve spent over 15 years walking on eggshells around her. I’m exhausted. I’m terrified of having the bad sister label forever and dealing with family fallout for the rest of my life. I feel like if I don’t go that will hang over me forever. If I go, it’s self-betrayal. I’m deeply disappointed and resentful. Have kept my distance for past 5 months. And still weirdly hopeful she’ll change. My husband says this is exactly how toxic family dynamics work. You keep trying and they keep the power.
She did fly out to my wedding even if she complained about it. And she’s my only sister — maybe I should just suck it up and go. AITA if I don’t?
INFO: are you OK with no longer having a relationship with your sister? In her shoes, this is the message I would take from you not attending.
Good question. I don’t know. That’s what makes this so hard. We barely talk as it is but skipping her wedding feels so final. The idea of it being officially over terrifies me. I keep hoping she’ll change which is probably naive.
Then you have answered for yourself. By not going, the relationship will be considered dead. By turning up, be courteous, have fun if you can, and move on with your life hoping her marriage will bring her some peace.
Skipping her wedding feels final because it probably would be. Personally I would go to the wedding but keep interactions to a minimum. View your relationship with her like that of a cousin that you grew up with but now only see at weddings and funerals.
Keep to shallow pleasantries, offer congratulations, make small talk with other friends and family there. Smile, wave, and go back to your life.
Stop texting your sister beyond generic Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas messages. Don’t keep trying to maintain a relationship. Drop the rope, but don’t burn it. It will still be laying there if she ever wants to pick it up and help carry the sisterly relationship, otherwise you just live your best life and wish her the same.
I am on team suck it up and go, but NTA whatever you decide.
It sounds like you have a really complicated relationship – but you are both still trying to some extent. The symbolism of you skipping might be a tipping point and so I think you just want to be very sure of your decision if you decide to forego and all the fallout that will bring with it.
NTA. But i think for your conscience, you should go. If she no longer wants a relationship with you, leave the burden on her as opposed to not attending on your part.
It is very much okay to not go to this wedding.
It is very much okay for you to never speak or text her again.
Protect your peace. Protect your health.
NTA
I mean I don’t get it. You should go but I would definitely give up on expecting a different relationship with your sister.
You’re both too different. This is painful to accept but true.
I have a similar dynamic with my sister. We were very close and I still like her a lot but honestly, she’s more trouble than she’s worth and I think she feels the same way about me. We are civil and even helpful to each other at times but the closeness we once had is long gone.
INFO/NTA
Someone else posted it and I’m seconding it. Don’t go if you are ok walking away forever. This will end the relationship and slam the door shut. If your ok with that then don’t go.
NTA.
For me , if finances allowed, I would attend, but treat it as a final goodbye to the relationship. You’ve been put through it by her, and whilst ever you are in her life, this will continue to happen. She’s happy to play the victim in your relationship.
By going to the wedding, your fear of being seen badly by other family members is somewhat silenced. But go and be completely neutral. Don’t cause issue and then walk away from the relationship.
Just because people are family, does not make it a requirment to keep them in your life if that are negatively impacting you.
Genuine question: she’s getting married to someone else but she’s still fixated on grief from an old boyfriend ? This seems really odd.