I’m 18M and my younger sister is 14 years old. She’s been saying things and making “jokes” recently about how she wishes she was dead and hates life (not around our parents, but to me) and she seems depressed/not herself. She’s usually very happy, talkative, always smiling and laughing, etc but hasn’t been recently.
Our parents have noticed a couple of times that she seems down and have asked her if everything is ok. I’ve also told them about suicidal things (that she says she’s joking about) that she’s said. Our dad has tried to talk to her about it but she’ll just say she’s ok and nothing is wrong if someone brings it up. Since our dad has tried to talk to her about it and had started getting concerned about her, it’s like she’s putting on an act to try to seem happier around him (and our mom). Then if she’s just around me, I can tell that something is wrong. Idk I’m worried about her and don’t know what’s going on with her
Take her out. Find fun things to do, especially what she likes or used to like.
When talking to her, ask her probing questions to help her identify what it is that has her down (inb4 another girl being mean or a guy she likes but can’t have).
Also if she’s listening to depressing music, tell her to stop. That shit is becoming more and more like witchcraft, imo. Just surrounding your mind with depressing nonsense.
But she needs to get out and have fun, she needs to smile and laugh. Not just once. Even if it’s just on the weekends. That’s better than never. She simply needs more happiness than sadness.
Also, do you guys have a ball? Baseball and gloves? Football? Soccer? Go out for 30-60 minutes and throw/kick. And compliment when she throws or kicks accurately. Keep doing this until she learns a new skill. This will boost her confidence.
She’s literally being real with you and fake with others. You’re her safe person.
First, you’re not a therapist so you’re kinda out of your element here. Recognize that. Your heart is in the right place. And you’re intending to make the effort. Great job. Remember that.
Now, how to broach the subject with someone making “jokes”.
I suggest you find a roundabout way to start the conversation. The next time she makes a comment work in something like this:
“You know how my favorite game is ___? I can’t imagine how bad it would hurt to never be able to play it anymore…”
That frames this situation as an issue you are going through. Not her. It might help to pull her out of herself and start the process of letting someone else in to help.
The goal is to let her know that she is not alone. And that if she makes a permanent decision to a temporary problem, she will be causing pain to those closest to her.
Is she being bullied at school?
Changes in her friend circle?
Just take her out somewhere 1 on 1 and have a real chat with her about how things are going with her and if everything is ok with school.
If you’re leaving the home soon for school or whatever just let her know you care about her and you’ll still be there for her that could also be something she’s upset about. If it’s usually coming to just you then use the opportunity to speak to her as her brother and get to the bottom of it.
You forgot social media exposure on your list. This has so many teen girls spiral into various forms of depression and anxiety that it’s risk cant be underestimated.
She needs a psychologist
++woman
This was literally me. I was your sister. I would make those exact jokes to my older sister because humor was the only way I could say that I was hurting. There was no way I would ask for help because it just seems so embarrassing for some reason. I agree with the other comment that you are her safe person. If it came out of nowhere something could be going on that’s making her feel overwhelming emotions.
As someone who lived that, the best thing you can do is remind her that you’re always there with her, remind her she can call you if she needs anything. She just needs to know she’s not alone. Talk about the future, make tiny plans a week or 2 out so she has something to look forward to. Ice cream on Friday. A movie she wants to see. Or just stay home and watch a movie she likes, with her favorite snacks as a family. I would talk to your parents and make a plan to support her. She will probably not ask for help because it is incredibly hard. But just feeling showered with love will remind her that she’s not alone. You are a good older brother for wanting to help. She will make it through this hard time when she has people like you.
Take it seriously. Don’t brush off the “jokes.” Listen, be there for her, and keep your parents involved even if she says she’s fine. You’re her safe person, that matters.
Get her a therapist. In addition, if you have any friends that are prone to depression, maybe try to have them talk to her… especially if said friend has successfully recovered from it. You will need to push gently but insistently.
People who have only walked in the light cannot understand those who walk around with a boundless darkness in their heart.
Based on her sudden change in behavior I would suspect rape / SA. She probably did something she thinks “was stupid” that lead to the abuse and that it’s “her fault” that it happened. Or one of your family members is the abuser.
When I was going through a group therapy class about 8 years ago, some young women spoke in front of the group about their depression from dealing with rape. My daughter was 10 at the time. After the class ended, they were talking so I approached them.
This is what I said (exact for the first sentence, don’t recall how I phrased the rest).
“As a father to a 10 year old daughter, there is NOTHING she could ever do, nor have done to her, that would make her anything less than priceless. I can’t speak for your fathers in particular, but the same still applies to you and all women/men who’ve been raped”
Try to help her and keep trying. Depression is something that seems welded to your blood, bones and soul, but if you can find the right key, it can disappear quickly. I thought about self harm for 25+ years and then finally realized how harshly and unfairly I was judging myself and finally forgave myself for my faults, flaws and failures and it went away over the course of a weekend of intense group therapy. I haven’t thought about self-harm for 8+ years.
You’re not overreacting those “jokes” are often a sign something’s wrong. Just being there, listening without pushing, and keeping trusted adults involved can make a real difference.
Whenever i make jokes about dying its cause im suicidal but not enough to want to actually do it. But thats a slippery slope because the next step is an attempt. Hopefully youre close enough where she will talk things out with you. Whow her the real world maybe and show her that school and the life she has now is small compared to everything else out there.
As kids we think that school is our workd and theres nothing else. Once i realized that those problems were so insignificant i changed my tone.
A 14 Year Old Posted Similar To What You’re Saying…
I Cannot Remember What Page It Was On, Lots Of People Were Reaching Out To Her, In Hopes To Make Her Feel Better…
If your parents don’t handle it, oh well. That’s all you could do
Next time she makes a similar comments tell your sister that you know people who have felt the same way and they also brushed off their own comments like it doesn’t matter or it’s not important and that you want her to know that the things she says are important and they do matter because she’s loved and matters.
When people reduce their self worth it’s one of the most painful things to see because they then see concern as platitudes or people are just saying it because it’s expected. Reinforcing the fact the that she’s not being judged and that her feelings are valid and that yours and your parents concern is real and that’s why you think seeing someone just to talk can help her to make sense of the way she’s feeling and ask if she’s prepared to give it a try and that you’ll go with her if she wants or you can wait for her while she’s there so she knows she’s not there alone.
You could arrange to do something after the appointment like grabbing some of her favourite food or a meal at her favourite place to help her relax and it lets her know that she won’t be probed about what she talked about.