I know this all may sound stupid/juvenile, but please be kind. I (30sF) don’t have the best relationship with my mom. We have always butted heads, and while she has physically supported me, she is emotionally neglectful. She will often dismiss my concerns, disrespect my boundaries, or just completely disengage when I bring up frustrations, saying that I’m “overreacting” and changing the subject.
Anyway, prior to Christmas, my mom asked me and my siblings what we’d all like for Christmas. I only mentioned one thing, but later decided to send a list of a few other smaller items online so she had some options.
The week of Christmas rolls around and we get into a few arguments. Each time, I try to remain calm and express why I’m upset, but she does her standard “passive aggressive, dismiss, minimize, disengage” pattern. After some thought, I came back on Christmas Eve and calmly said: “Mom, I want to say thank you for the time and effort you put in to get me these gifts; however, bc you often use these things against me when you get upset, I would rather you return all the gifts.”
Understandably, my mom got upset and couldn’t fathom why I wouldn’t just open the gifts. She then asked for examples of when she’s thrown things back in my face, not believing my claim. While asking me repeatedly for specific examples, she angrily reminded me of how she “went to therapy for me” and “paid over $2k for nothing”. I noted that that right there was a specific example of her using what should’ve been a good thing against me (I had requested she go). I stated again that while I appreciate the gesture of the gifts, I would prefer she returns them. She let it go.
Since then, she has mentioned twice that “the gifts are still here whenever you want them”. I reminded her of my decision and again asked her to return them.
Today, she brought me a gift from a family friend, and then tried to casually also leave her gifts with me too. I asked her: “what are those?” She said, “these are your gifts”. I said, “Mom, I’ve told you multiple times now to please return the gifts. Please respect that.” She walked away with the gifts clearly annoyed with me. Shortly after, I sent her a text saying: “I’m sorry, I did say thank you for the effort and time you put in, but I did ask you to return them. I would appreciate you not keep pushing the issue. Thank you.” It’s been 9hrs and she has not responded.
(For additional back story, she has a tendency of doing things to “help” us out, but then later recanting and resenting her efforts. Another example is when something of mine fell from her mirror vanity and cracked the sink. I offered to pay for the sink replacement, but she refused and paid in full, months later complaining that she “had to pay $x amount to repair the sink due to my negligence”.)
TL;DR My mom and I got into a couple of arguments before Christmas, so I told her to return my gifts. AITA?
ESH you’re in your thirties and still having power struggles with your mom. You match her passive aggressiveness with your own.
ESH. Next year skip Christmas.
ESH, her for using gestures of good will against you and not listening and you for dragging the issue out. If therapy isn’t working for you guys maybe go no contact with her for a while so she can’t manipulate you
Sounds like you’re playing into all of this nonsense. Stop being dramatic, just cut all contact.
YTA. You gave her a wishlist to make it easier for her, then decide at the last minute you don’t want them. You are 30 years old and letting her control you like a child. Just go low/no contact already and stop this power struggle baloney
YTA. Grow up. You don’t have to keep repeating patterns of passive aggressive behavior , and that’s exactly what you did.
YTA. Meeting her energy doesn’t lead to a better relationship. This disfunction goes both ways.
YTA just reading this made me tired. You are in your 30’s, time to stop playing head games.
YTA. This isn’t really about the presents, it’s about control and making a point. You set a boundary, but repeatedly pushing the gift return turned it into a power move instead of de-escalation. The silence isn’t just sulking, it’s her disengaging after being shut down. This could’ve been handled with less friction and more grace.
YTA Big time with the drama. An adult would just ignore her mom’s actions and set boundaries and go on with her life. Not be overly dramatic with the return my gifts comments. You’re obviously trying to hurt your mother in whatever way you can. So unnecessary and juvenile and counterproductive. Doesn’t do any good at all.
ESH. It might be time for you to explore therapy yourself to find a healthier way to manage your relationship with your mom, because your actions here are equally problematic, and yet you continue to rise to her toxic behavior.
Telling her to return Christmas gifts because you don’t want them used against you is gross. You could have accepted them and donated them. You could have accepted them, used them, and grey rocked her every time she tried to manipulate you with them. You could have addressed all of this after the holiday instead of instigating yet another fight after what you described as a series of disagreements.
Don’t want to deal with her problematic behavior? Don’t engage anymore. She starts an argument? Tell her “we can talk about this when we’re both calm. If you can’t talk about this calmly, I’ll leave, and we can revisit this another time.” Then leave if she doesn’t stop. Never respond to a passive aggressive text, or voicemail, or comment. Never react to targeted comments or tones. Every time you engage, you feed her.
If you can’t have a relationship with her that isn’t full of stress, anxiety, and conflict, end it. Go low or no contact. If the whole thing feels juvenile, it’s because YOU have engaged with juvenile behavior and responded similarly. But stop hoping that you can convince someone to change, or that you can change them yourself. You can’t control her behavior, only yours.
Get therapy to learn how to maintain the relationship without compromising yourself, or disengage to protect yourself.
The two of you butt heads because you’re alike. You’ll not like hearing that, but 🤷♀️ Try moving out before setting boundaries in someone else’s house.
You’re currently living in your mother’s home?
I feel like that’s a really important detail to leave out.
Like, are you paying rent? Food? Utilities? Car? Phone? Please don’t tell me you don’t pay for these things and are *complaining* about your mother like this…
YTA – Are you sure you’re thirty? 🤔 Wow!
Okay, so since you already knew she was like this, you should have never ask for a gift… let alone multiple gifts. And you decided to make this point on Christmas!… out of all days! Just… wow!
You know a lot of us don’t have our Moms on earth anymore. Be grateful and don’t let stupid power trips drive you two further apart.