For context I am a F25 and I met my friend let’s call her "Tanya" (fake name) in my summer internship in 2019. And since then we have been friends. Now I have nothing against Tanya I think she’s a sweet person and she certainly has been super kind to me. The thing about Tanya is that she’s on some antidepressants and anxiety meds as she can have some pretty bad mood swings and these meds are absolutely fundamental for her to perform her daily functions without panic attacks.
Back in 2023 Tanya invited me to stay with her in her home town and I stayed with her family they were super welcoming and hosted me without charging me a dime (I would have offered to pay). But I will say whilst I appreciate Tanya for everything that’s she’s done for me I will say that she is very difficult to handle. When we’re together on the streets she will laugh ridiculously loud and try to embarrass me in public by making obscene comments. She even once spoke to my gay friend and made a joke about his sexuality which personally I didn’t find very funny.
Tanya also has very bad habit of yelling "unicorns" out in public and also is very demanding for attention. I’m not going to lie sometimes I admire her carelessness but other times I feel like I want to run from her.
However the thing that annoys me the most, is the fact that she also gets super jealous and cannot tolerate the fact that I have other friends that are simply closer to me than she is. She anytime I make a reference to one of my close friends she automatically says "but I thought I was your only best friend" I’ve tried to gently explain to her it shouldn’t matter as long as we maintain contact that should be the main thing but she says that since I’m her best friend she should automatically me mine
I’m conflicted and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I also can’t deal with with her intensity. So WIBTA?
NTA. It is very important to state your boundaries with her. If she is getting jealous anytime you mention your other closer friends that’s a red flag. You need to tell her she is a friend of yours, and while it’s nice she considers you her best friend the feeling is not mutual. She may choose to no longer engage with you after this discussion which honestly sounds like a win.
There is no way you all are 23 and 25 and having issues over this.
I was thinking the same thing. Sounds like high school drama
An honest frank conversation is the best way to go. It takes b..ls. Don’t be mean, she will be crushed either way. Hopefully you two can remain friends and who knows that the future will hold. Side note, her condition as well as the meds both play a roll on her behavior.
Nta you allowed to have more then one friend and personally people like tht annoy me like yes it hurts when your best friend doesn’t see you as a best friend but that’s life like people are allowed to be friends casually and it just feels very middle school behavior what she’s showing
I had a friend who would get jealous of my other friendships and it was exhausting. But I think there’s something more that needs said than just, ‘you’re not my best friend’.
NTA.
Your friend sounds like a 13 year old rather than an adult.
NTA – but its kinda a hard blow saying that specifically – maybe say you dont like putting a hierarchy label on your friendships as you care for all your friends equally and while you greatly appreciate everything shes done that you dont want to keep score with your friends.
Let her know you dont like feeling pressured to be someones “only best friend” since it puts an unrealistic expectation on your friendship. Id bring up the other problems as a separate issue, let her know you dont enjoy attention from strangers in public and while you admire that shes very open in public you just arent that type of person nor do you want to be as it makes you uncomfortable
NTA but I don’t really see a need to explicitly tell her she’s not your best friend. You could keep it to the fact that you have many close friends and her jealousy makes you uncomfortable. Like she should keep that to herself but the fact that you have other close friends doesn’t mean the two of you aren’t friends. I have a friend who constantly ranks her friends, like so and so is my first best friend and then this person is next and on down the line. I’m not jealous but also why say that?
NTA. Best friend is a tier not a person. You can have as many best friends as you want.
But furthermore being on someone’s best friend tier doesn’t mean they have to be on your best friend tier. It would be rude to correct her. (Like, if she says “this is OP my best friend” to introduce her, don’t shout out “no I’m just a friend” lol.) bc she gets to decide who her best friend is. But, if she wants to be even a friend to you, she should stop trying to police who your friends and best friends are. And that’s the deal.
Model dialogue for this situation “Hey ClingyCathy, it really bothers me when you say I can’t have other friends. Can you hear how controlling that sounds? I love you and want to be friends. But if you try to control me that way I will have to spend less time with you to protect myself. You don’t get to pick who my other friends are, NeedyNatalie. You get to pick how you behave and then I get to pick how I react to your behavior. So if you keep acting like this, I need you to know my reaction is going to be to stop hanging out with you. Ball is in your court. How should we proceed?”
Don’t be too hard on yourself and TouchyTanya. You’re young. It gets easier to have these conversations with age and experience.
I would just tell her you have many close friends who are all equally important to her. Tell her it’s like when you have children – you don’t love one more than the other.
NTA but pls I need to know more about this “Tanya also has very bad habit of yelling “unicorns” out in public”. Like, all the time? Randomly? She can’t control herself?
NTA, *however,* I have a lesser version of this problem and I think you need to have tact when delivering the message. “Your not my best friend” may be correct, but is hurtful and unnecessary. Something like “I have many best friends based on the circumstances of when I met them and our closeness” is appropriate. If pressed, I explain I have a best friend from high school, a best friend from college, a best friend group from my career, and a ‘built in’ best friend in my sibling, no one gets hierarchy.
Just spend less time with her. She’s immature and an attention-seeker and there’s no reason why you need to deal with her expectations about being your “only” best friend.
NTA but I don’t see why a big conversation is needed. Just gradually widen the space between you. If there is still something that you actually enjoy doing with her, then try to make that the crux of your time together. But do stop accepting invitations to her home, etc.