I (29F) have been best friends with “Jenna” (29F) since college. We’ve been inseparable for 11 years – we talk every day, spend every weekend together, go on trips, the whole deal. She’s basically my soulmate (platonic obviously lol).
About 6 months ago, Jenna started dating this guy “Mark” (32M). I was happy for her at first! I really was. But then she started canceling our plans to hang out with him. I totally understood – new relationship energy and all that. I never complained once.
But it’s been getting worse. She’s canceled on me 6 times in the last two months. Always last minute. Always for Mark. I finally told her (very calmly!) that I felt like she was prioritizing him over our friendship and it hurt my feelings.
She apologized and said she’d make more effort. Things were better for like two weeks.
Then last month, I saw on Instagram that Jenna went to this wine tasting event downtown – the same weekend she told me she was “too busy” to come to my place for our preplanned dinner and needed to cancel. I didn’t want to be accusatory, so I just texted her “Hey! Saw you were at that wine thing, hope it was fun! Would have loved to come if I’d known about it 😊”
She left me on read for THREE DAYS. Then she finally responded with just “It was a last minute thing with Mark’s coworkers.”
Okay, fine. I dropped it. I didn’t want to seem clingy.
But then two weeks ago, I found out through another friend that Jenna is having a birthday party next month. And I haven’t been invited. I texted Jenna asking about it (still very calm and not accusatory!) and she called me and said it’s going to be “a small thing, just Mark’s friends and a few people from work.”
I was so confused. I’ve been to every single one of her birthday parties for 11 years. I asked her directly: “Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Because I feel like you’ve been icing me out and I don’t understand why.”
She got really quiet and then said, “I think we need some space. You’re being really intense lately and it’s making me uncomfortable.”
I was FLOORED. Intense?? For asking why my best friend of over a decade is suddenly treating me like a stranger? I told her I thought that was really unfair and that I deserved an actual explanation.
She said she didn’t want to have this conversation and that she “needed time to think.” That was 12 days ago and she still hasn’t reached out.
I’m heartbroken. I’ve literally done nothing wrong. I’ve been patient, I’ve been understanding, I’ve tried to communicate my feelings like an adult. And she’s acting like I’m the problem?
My mom says I should just give Jenna space, but I feel like if I do that, our friendship is just over. I sent her one more text yesterday saying “I love you and I’m here when you’re ready to talk. I just want to understand what happened.”
She blocked me.
I’m completely devastated. AITA for trying to save our friendship?
Her life is changing because of Mark and she is establishing a new circle of friends. I don’t think this is a strange thing,but you need to ease up on things. You do seem clingy. And a little obsessive. Don’t you have other friends? She’ll catch up with you sooner or later. Let her live her new life for now.
She’s allowed to go places and have a life without you. It’s intense af of you to find out about her plans and text her demanding to know why you weren’t invited or trying to guilt trip her about not inviting you.
Do you have any other friends? Because it sounds like you spend all your time waiting for her to text you
YTA
TBH just from reading this it seems like you have been a little intense about this. It’s normal for adults with partners to not see their friends, even their best friends, every single weekend. I do think you have probably come across as clingy and intense and not understanding of her changed life and relationship dynamic, and for this reason I think maybe she has not wanted to spend the same amount of time with you and has needed some space. I think you should reach out and apologize for being clingy and not giving her space, and let her know that you would like to hang out again when she is ready.
You are more clingy than I like in my friends. Just let her live her new life and find more friends.
I considered you N T A before the last text. She told you she wanted space, your mom told you to give her space, and you didn’t give her space. So she blocked you. You don’t want to lose this friendship, but it sounds like it’s already over. I know that feels shitty and unfair, but that’s your answer. For now at least.
YTA. The type of close friendship where you talk every day and spend every weekend together is almost impossible to maintain as an adult, especially if one is in a relationship. Cancelling 6 times in the past 2 months implies you’ve been trying to make plans nearly every single weekend still (there are 8 weekends in 2 months). Maybe she feels she has to cancel because if she declines making plans with you, you’ll refuse to allow that. You are being very controlling of your friend. Even after 20 years of friendship, you aren’t owed her time and if she wants to prioritize plans with her boyfriend you have to accept that. Not being invited to her birthday party seems to be the consequence of your pushiness that now she doesn’t even want to hang out with you at all. And when you couldn’t leave that alone she resorted to blocking so she doesn’t have to see your attempts to cling to her. I know how hard it is when friendships change, but trying to control your friend and guilt her into spending time with you will only push her away, as you’ve already seen.
YTA
You guys are 29, not 19. Your lives are establishing and the reality is that people will get busy and drift apart. This happens in every stage in life but I’m assuming your friend wants something more serious and is trying to establish a strong relationship that could lead to marriage.
She is a person above anything else. She has her own life away from you.
If I was her I’d also want space. I’ve had friends like you my whole life and it’s led to me feeling suffocated and in the end I cut all of them off.
I definitely feel where you are coming from, but the last bit is not as easy to defend. You asked for clarity, and she gave you a direct response. Give her space. You did not give her space, and in fact, violated her direct and reasonable boundary. If you are afraid space will dissolve the friendship, then you are already insecure in this friendship and I promise you that is showing. With the most sympathy possible, as I do understand the insecurity you are experiencing, I would have blocked you too.
YTA
Your friend wanted space. Your mom advised you to give her space. You decided to ignore that and try to drag it out right then and there.
Your friend has a new partner. It is NORMAL to prioritize a partner over your friends. 6 cancelations in 2 months beans you’ve been trying to monopolize her time almost every week. That’s excessive, even for a BFF. What will you do when they have a baby, and she’s busy all the time with that?
Soft YTA. Honestly, OP, you sound obsessive. I’ve seen some of your replies to the comments, and I’m curious: are you in love with your (now former) best friend? I ask because, despite your insistence that your feelings are platonic, your behavior is similar to lesbian/bisexual women who are experiencing their first crush on the same sex.
It’s clear from your comments that you’re jealous of your friend’s new relationship, and I can promise you that your dislike towards Mark isn’t nearly as subtle as you probably think it is. Jenna has noticed. I’m sure Mark has noticed, or been told by Jenna.
The reason you’ve been excluded and that Jenna is pulling back from you is because your behavior is making her uncomfortable, which she stated clearly. It’s normal for couples to focus more intensely on their relationship- unfortunately at the expense of other interpersonal relationships – when it’s new.
It sounds like you’re under the false belief that they’ll break up, and she’ll go back to being your friend/pseudo girlfriend instead. We have no way of knowing what else you might have said or done to come off as “intense,” but you need to do some self reflection, possibly consider therapy, and accept that Jenna has decided that your friendship isn’t one she wants to maintain.
Well…your text was transparently passive-aggressive, and seeing somebody’s Instagram story and then texting them wanting to know why you weren’t invited is, in fact, a little intense. It sucks, but once someone has decided to create space between you, there’s really nothing you can unilaterally do about it. Often, if you dedicate your time to expanding your own life instead of trying to prevent the person from taking the space they want or need, true friends will come back to each other.
ESH because she shouldn’t be handling this by cancelling on you last-minute all the time, but if you continue to push when she’s clearly asked for space…you’ll find yourself in AH territory real quick. Do you have other friends? Hobbies? A project you’ve been wanting to start but haven’t allowed yourself time for? Do that for a while, and if the answer to “do you have other friends” is no…maybe work on that. One person cannot be your everything.
YTA
I have sympathy because I get intense about friendship as well. However…
She asked for space. You texted her anyway. And in your replies here you make it clear that you do not value her new relationship or desire to make other friendships. That’s NOT being a good friend.
It sounds like dating someone new gave her perspective on ways her relationship with you is enmeshed. You were unable to ease off to a healthier distance. Losing your friend is the consequence.
I’m sorry you are hurting, but this is on you.
YTA
You are extremely clingy also kinda passive aggressive
You don’t text someone asking why they weren’t invited
You aren’t invited to everything
“Hey! Saw you were at that wine thing, hope it was fun! Would have loved to come if I’d known about it 😊”
YTA. I’m sorry but this message is so passive aggressive. The fact that she cancelled 6 times in 2 months means that you asked to hang almost every week and unless she only works part time and has no other obligations that’s a lot to ask. I had a friend like this and they made me feel like I had to put them above my partner and above my family or they would be passive aggressive like you were in that text. I started not telling her about my plans because she would expect to be invited or be upset that I saw X person that week but not her.
It sucks, but when people get serious with a partner they have to start prioritizing that relationship to establish a good foundation. By not allowing her to do that you’re not only smothering her, you’re smothering their relationship.